Todays post isn’t going to be as long as the last two and I am having a short break from my life story while I pause and reflect.
Over the course of the last few weeks I have written about some deeply personal information about myself and my life. I found it surprisingly easy to write about these things. Freeing and cathartic. I have very little emotional attachment to those events and I am no longer holding onto anger, resentment or shame. By writing it all down I was releasing the last demon, if you like, the fear of what other people would think of me if I told them. My fear wasn’t related to any sort of thought that I may be responsible at some level but my fear was that it would be too much. It would be too much for most people to bear and so I went through my life protecting others, yet again, from the harsh realities of what life can do. But, by protecting others, was I really protecting myself? Because in that moment when the event’s of my childhood are too much for someone, this kind of reinforces my belief that I must have been really bad for my parents to do that to me or that it is too much, and then I will continue to protect others from the pain, my pain and I will continue to hold it all inside so that no one ever has to witness that pain again. The truth is, I stopped feeling that pain a long time ago. I struggled to come to terms with it all for many years but I have now, mostly, and it does not cause me any distress to think about what happened to me any more. It is also, very easy to focus on the bad things. In a lot of ways I had a good childhood. But we don’t tend to see that when presented with one terrible thing. The paradox of life. I actually feel really blessed to have had the life I have in some ways, otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am today. It would have been nice to have worked through it all a bit quicker but hey, there was a lot to work through ok?!! What I am trying to say is that I hold no blame. In fact my childhood has been the perfect growing ground for me. I should know, I chose it right? I feel no anger because they were doing their best based on their knowledge and beliefs and what was happening in their lives at that moment in time. They gave me the greatest gift and environment to grow spiritually. I just didn’t know it at the time. I think that the conclusion that I came to about protecting others from my pain was that it wasn’t my pain any more so if other people couldn’t handle it then that was their stuff, not mine. And by holding onto it was I saying that I was the only person who could handle it? Well that isn’t true either.
So what have other people’s reactions been? On the whole people have been supportive, very supportive. I was very aware that by me writing about my own experiences, that this might trigger memories or feelings in other people, and I did contemplate whether it was the right thing to have written it but then I decided that other people are adults and they don’t have to read it if they don’t want to and if it does trigger something in others then this will be positive as it is helping them to heal too. I haven’t had one negative comment to my face, although I did get a sense that some people maybe thought that I shouldn’t have written about it to protect my family members. I did contemplate this but I am 99.9% sure that none of my family will read it or I wouldn’t have been so public about it.
What I wanted to make clear by being so public about my experiences was, that the things that happened to me when I was a child, are not me. It is easy to read something and project our own feelings and thoughts about how it should affect someone but that isn’t true either. It is only true to the person having those feelings and thoughts. I even think that my revelations have even induced some jealousy. Which is hard to believe I know but I have picked up on a tinge. So what was I trying to achieve by writing about my life and my pain? I guess I was just wanting acceptance. Just for people to say that it’s ok. It’s not your fault. I’ve had stuff happen to me too. And more importantly to be able to sit with me quietly and acknowledge it but not to let it phase them. Not for it to bring their stuff up. To just be able to sit in silent compassion (or even not silent) and it to not be too much for them. I have discovered that I have some lovely friends. I will continue the rest of my story in due course……………..