The beginning of a slow death of Normality

So back to the story……. I was almost 21 when I started my nurse training and this was in Liverpool. In many ways I was still like a child but I had an innate wisdom which was way beyond my years and this was something which I had always had.

My student days were pretty wild and mostly spent drunk but I also realised that I was a pretty damn good nurse. My social skills still remained problematic for me but I transformed from being scared to speak in front of the qualified nurses at the beginning of my training to being a lot more confident in this sort of thing by the end of my training 4 years later. I was dual qualified, which means that I can look after children and adults but my heart lay with children’s nursing and I enjoyed the challenge.

It was at around this time that I decided that I wanted to heal these problems that I had with communication, especially with people in authority but I wasn’t very assertive with my peer group either and this sort of led me to just falling into friendships, rather than seeking out like minded people, instead I would latch on to people who showed an interest in me, which in those days wasn’t many because of my low self esteem. So this was a vey mixed time of my life. There were highs and there were lows but there was still this feeling of numbness and disconnection but with an underlying knowing that there was so much more to me. I also had an encounter with someone who I believe was a satanist (I won’t actually call him satan as I don’t know if that would be true but maybe he embodied that energy, I’m not sure) . Myself and my flat mate met him while we were on a night out and invited him back to our flat. He seemed really nice and chatty, but I do remember him saying how open we both were. When another friend came round another day that he was there, she said for us not to give him specific things if he asked for them because she thought he was a devil worshiper  and I laughed at her because it sounded too far fetched to me. Anyway after a while we got a bit fed up of him and stopped letting him as he would just turn up unannounced. Shortly after that my flat mate had an experience where she was stood at a train station and she felt as if she was being throttled. She felt a constriction around her throat and she couldn’t breathe and she felt that for some reason that it was him that was doing it to her. I didn’t experience anything like that but I do remember standing at the bus stop near our flat and I heard this snorting sound and when I looked it was him walking down the street but he looked a bit taller than he normally looked and he was breathing like a bull would snort but looked as if he was a bit spaced out. I hid in the bus shelter as I didn’t want him to recognise me. I hadn’t seen him like this before and he scared me and after that I was convinced he was a satanist.

So my student days were filled with many laughs but there was also quite a bit of darkness still as I carried with me the experiences of my childhood. My acne was also really bad at time, and I had huge cysts that were painful, unsightly and caused me a great amount of psychological distress. None of the treatments that I had tried ever worked for very long and it destroyed my self esteem in many ways. I found it difficult to look in the mirror when I was with others and to go to the hairdressers would have been torture so I cut my own hair, which was a mess but at least I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to heal though, and would buy every self help book I could afford. But I found it difficult to sustain any advice that they gave. The best way for me to heal and integrate has always been through experience and reflection. And that is where wisdom then comes from.

When I finished my training I got a job straight away at a hospital in Leeds on a children’s ward. And even though I had asked for a surgical ward, they put me on medical ward, so I hated it. One day I was having a particularly bad day and I just handed my notice in and left. I then thought, oh shit, what am I going to live on now. How am I going to survive.  I had an idea in my mind that I fancied working in Portugal. I started frantically looking for nannying jobs but there were never any nanny jobs in Portugal. Then one day (about a week after I handed my notice in) I was looking through the adverts and there it was. Nanny job in Portugal. I applied, got an interview and was working out there a month later, after selling my car etc. I worked out there for 6 months and had a ball. I would have stayed out there but there were no other job opportunities and I was bored as a nanny. But I met some great people from Canada and Australia who were passing through on their travels around the world and stayed for a few months. In a lot of ways it was like a long holiday and it was right on the Algarve so being near the beach and the sea all the time was really beneficial health wise, physically and mentally.

After 6 months of working out there I decided that it was time to come back home, which in hindsight was probably not the best idea but it has led me to where I am now. Initially I registered with an agency and did a few shifts on a children’s surgical ward in Leeds and within a couple of months I had a job on there and I absolutely loved it. But it was extremely busy, with lots of very sick children and we were alway short staffed. Because I was young I could handle it and I actually thrived on the challenge but I think I was running on my adrenalin a lot of the time. I worked there for a number of years and in that time I bought my own house and this was the thing, more than anything else that has clipped my wings because it meant that I couldn’t suddenly decide to leave a job and not have another one to go to as I had a mortgage to pay. At the time I thought that this was a good thing but now I realise that it wasn’t really as it was stifling me.

Also in that time I was having a more coincidences and psychic experiences. I seemed to attract what most people would call ghosts. So if there was a spirit somewhere in a building it would normally let me know in some way such as a breeze wafting past my cheek, or objects having moved places. Hospitals are a hotspot for spirits that haven’t passed over, for obvious reasons and the ward that I worked on had a particularly active spirit which seemed to get it’s kicks out of inducing fear in me. Some night shifts I would be shaking because I was afraid of what might happen as it used to tamper with equipment etc (and no it wasn’t a member of staff, it was definitely a ghost/spirit as things happened that a physical human wouldn’t have been able to do). One of the things that happened to me was that while I was in the toilet, a baby’s dummy that we had been looking for all night, just fell out of mid air into my hand. But it also used to change the rate on iv infusions, turn saturation monitors off, all sorts of things. It turned out that this spirit was  a nurse who had committed suicide because she had accidentally overdosed a child on insulin some years previously and the child had died and so she had hanged herself in the toilet, which is why things used to happen in the toilet! Other things that happened to me was that a colleague recommended an amazing book to me, out of the blue, called The Celestine Prophecy and this was the first step onto my spiritual path. I found the book intriguing but there were parts of it that I didn’t grasp at the time but later I did. I was also having experiences such as smelling strange aromas and knowing that my next door neighbour was pregnant and then being freaked out when I found out that she was pregnant so I didn’t have an experience like that again for a long time as i was frightened of it because I didn’t understand where it came from because it wasn’t a physical smell. As a child I used to have precognitive dreams all of the time but then when I dreamt of a face and woke up and saw that same face on the front of a newspaper (Princess Grace of Monaco when she died) it really scared me so that stopped happening then. I have also, always been telepathic but lost this to some extent for a while in my young alcohol laden adult days. Being telepathic and empathic used to cause me extreme distress as a child as I thought that everyone was like me and so I couldn’t understand why people would be horrible to me because I thought that they could see my true essence, as I could see their true essence. And because of this and the way that I was treated by my parents, I thought that there was something really wrong with me. I also didn’t think that I needed to speak that much because I assumed that others would just know what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It took me until I was in my mid teens to realise that others couldn’t perceive what I could, on the whole.

I was also still battling severe acne and had 3 treatments of roaccutane and you weren’t meant to have more than  two because of how it can affect your health and it had to be monitored by a dermatologist and each time it would work initially and then it would come back after a year or two. This was quite demoralising. And I was also trying to heal myself emotionally and psychologically, with self help books but they still weren’t doing anything for me and it was still my daily life experiences and how I reflected upon them which were helping me to heal. When I first started on the ward I don’t think that I was particularly liked by some staff members but as staff left and new staff came there was a really nice team of staff and I got on well with the majority of them both professionally and personally but I still had a long way to go as there was still something missing…………

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