Crunch time down the Rabbit Hole

So the last part of my blog took us up until I was around 30 years of age. It’s funny because when I was 20 years old I remember thinking to myself that if I hadn’t had children by the time I was 30, I would start to look at fertility treatment. As if 30 was really old and past it and here I was 30 years old, partnerless, childless and not really any intentions of settling down just yet and definitely not past it!  Part of the reason why I hadn’t settled down with anyone was because I was still quite screwed up emotionally and I didn’t want to pass this onto either my partner or onto my kids. The second reason was because I still had very severe acne so I didn’t feel attractive around men. I remember my mum’s next door neighbour saying when I was about 18 or 19 that I would never marry with skin like that. I’m sure she put a curse on me!! I had been out with men but they hadn’t lasted very long as I didn’t feel the deep connection and love that I was looking for. So instead I had thrown myself into my career, just like I had thrown myself into my education when I was at primary school (not so much when I was at comprehensive school!!). I was good at my job and I new it. I was very respected by the medical team and amongst my peers but the ward sisters and nurse managers didn’t see it. I think probably because of my low self esteem. And I wasn’t very good at interviews as I was so nervous, so I went for a few junior sisters posts and didn’t get them and this knocked my confidence immensely. I did then eventually get a junior sisters post on a new ward that was opening and I worked there for a couple of years. I had only been there about 8 months when the senior sister went on long term sick and I was left to manage the ward on my own. I rose to the occasion but the ward was starting to get busier and busier and then a new senior sister was appointed after 4 or 5 months and things were good but it wasn’t giving me the fulfilment that I was longing for but that at that time I didn’t realise. Until one morning, it was particularly busy, there was no senior sister, no nurse manager and no bed manager and there were  twice as many children needing beds than there were actual beds and we couldn’t cancel any admissions or the hospital would get fined. We had managed to find beds for all of the children we thought until we discovered that there was one that hadn’t and I just flipped and burst into tears (by which time there was management there). I couldn’t stop crying and eventually, after beating myself all morning about it I realised that I didn’t actually want to do it any more and the tears of self pity actually turned into tears of relief when I realised that I didn’t have to do it any more. So I went home and was sick for a couple of months, in which time I got some counselling from the hospital, which she was actually quite good and it did help a bit. I did take prozac as well, which I actually do think helped me. But I know that there is a lot of controversy around these sorts of drugs. Do they make the condition worse, do they dumb people down? I’m not sure but they did help me. I remember that I decorated my kitchen while I was off sick. But I do remember this was very much a dark night of the soul for me and I remember being in total despair and physically getting onto my knees and asking that if there was a God, please would he make himself known to me and please would he help me. Within a couple of weeks I saw a job advertised as a Children’s Community Nurse in my local town and so I went along for the interview and got the job and I told them that I was off sick and why I was off sick but they still wanted me to have the job. Maybe there was a job, I thought to myself. About 6 months later I came across some books called Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsh and this book (or series of books) was a big game changer for me. Up until this point I had been anti God, anti religion, anti the bible and this was because I couldn’t understand how there could be so many religions and they all be correct and that religion was the thing that caused all wars in this world so it seemed hypocritical to me. This book presented God in a different way that totally resonated with me and it was the beginning of a deep journey within. I was now 34 years old………………………..


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