And so I haven’t written anything in my blog for a couple of weeks now. I thought that I would take a small pause, intake of breath, if you like, from my story to contemplate authenticity.
All of my life I have struggled to become my most authentic self. As a child I wasn’t allowed to be me unless it fitted in with the idea that my mother had of who I was meant to be. So much so that I forgot who I was. I had no identity, no self esteem, no self worth, no idea how to behave in social situations and no idea of who I was. So consequently I spent my whole childhood and a good part of my adult life trying to please others and learning exactly who I was. This was programming and brainwashing to the max, as I was also told that I was useless, just like my dad, selfish, etc etc on a regular basis until I believed it and I hated myself so much that at 11 years of age I wished that I’d never been born. Heavily programmed to be the most inauthentic person, as I disliked myself so much that I was convinced that nobody else could possibly like me or love me for who I am. After all my own mother thought that I was worthless. So I constantly tried to behave in a way that I thought I was meant to behave in. But I didn’t even know what that was, as I didn’t know what I had done wrong to be treated the way that I had. How could I be wrong for being me? Deep deep down I knew this but I was so heavily programmed by my childhood that I wasn’t consciously aware of it. So instead I chose to withdraw from people as they were too cruel and unpredictable and I just had a few close friends but I always felt anxious in social situations.
I now believe that authenticity is the gateway to self realization. Authenticity is the true ascension. How can it be any other way? In order to be authentic we have to know and love ourselves totally and completely and this means bringing any hidden parts of ourselves to the surface and making them conscious, breaking down any false programming that doesn’t align with and represent who we truly are. Ascension is expanding our consciousness and awareness and raising our vibration to it’s highest potential in this physical vessel. We can only do this if we make the unconscious conscious and heal and transform any hidden wounds and break down and dissolve any programming that is not aligned with our highest version of ourselves. So essentially they are the same thing while we are in a human body. You can’t have one without the other.
I also believe that we have to experience what we are not in order to know who we truly are. So in that context I had the most perfect childhood as I was totally shown what I was not. I did not know who I was. So from this perspective it was easier for me, in some ways to become who I am today because I had to start from scratch as an adult and I was already in a place where I felt extremely uncomfortable with the version of myself that I was living with as I knew that it wasn’t really who I was so I had a huge incentive to grow and to change, whereas if I had been brought up in a loving environment I would have found it much harder to question who I was and any programmes that I had obtained in childhood as they would have been much more subtle and so there wouldn’t have been as much incentive. As it stands, I feel that I am very much my own person, I am not afraid to look honestly at myself and my behaviour and I am not afraid of change. This all helps in becoming authentic and living by your own core values and integrity. I have literally had to fight to become who I am now.
It might seem quite obvious and it is in some ways but at the same time, like most spiritual truths there is a subtle paradox which can lead to us being tricked and trapped by the negative ego. You might think that to be authentic is an easy concept but, I have decided, there is confusion. For me, being authentic means not being afraid to be honest about my feelings, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to express those feelings. Especially if it will hurt someone else. I think that if the other person has mistreated me or disrespected me then it is important to express how I feel, but I would try and do this in a respectful manner. But I would never express my anger or irritation to someone just because they were getting on my nerves or because I didn’t like them or something about them. This wouldn’t be fair on the other person because I recognise that this would be my stuff and that I have no right to project my stuff onto other people. Because that it is what it is a projection, which probably bears no resemblance to the truth of the matter. Similarly I am becoming more acutely aware of when other people are projecting their stuff onto me and I am learning to not react to this and so therefore not giving them my energy. Because that is all it is, a play for energy so I just ignore it and it seems to work. At the end of the day it is none of my business what other people think of me, unless they disrespect me and then I would say something but I am trying not to take such things personally and I am starting to get better at that but it’s still a work in progress as it totally depends on the situation and who is involved.
So I guess that a big part of being authentic is allowing other people to be authentic too and recognising that it isn’t all just about us. In the allowing we become, because we are all connected.