So I’ve not posted anything for a while. There’s been a lot going on but that isn’t really an excuse. It actually should be reason to write more as there has been so much going on that I can’t keep track any more. 2017 is definitely a different year to last year. And what it is showing me, so far, and beyond all doubt, is that everything lies within. Now I have heard this phrase on numerous occasions, but not really felt it or knew what it really meant, but now I do. I used to think it was accessed through meditation but didn’t really understand how sitting there in a space of peace would help you to actualize your enlightened self, when there was chaos all around and you still had your own shit going on when not meditating. Except that it has been proven scientifically that by bringing your heart and mind into a state of coherence brings your whole body into balance and makes you more able to access positive emotions or bounce back when negative things happen to you, so makes you more resilient. Maybe this is what it meant but this didn’t feel like the whole story either. And plus by sitting in a state of peace, is this not escaping from reality a little bit? Just food for thought.
So thinking about how our world seems to function ie everything is topsy turvy and upside down, back to front. We live in a world which tries to suppress the outward expression of emotions, doesn’t teach children (or adults) how to express emotions in a positive and respectful way. In fact society teaches us that painful and negative emotions are wrong and that if you are feeling emotional pain, then there must be something wrong with you because we should all be living in a positive state of happiness all of the time. Constantly busy, no time for emotions or feelings. Society is deliberately constructed like that. Then add the chaos and fear factor into it and hey presto you have a society where all emotions are triggered externally because of the information that humans are fed via the media and so this keeps people in a constant state of fear and disconnect from their internal feelings and emotions, which arise from what is happening inside that person, through human relationships. This can lead to all sorts of dysfunctional communication or lack of and if we are disconnected from our self, then we are also disconnected from others. So if we aren’t feeling fear, then we must be living the good life right? We are taught that to be successful and happy we must look a certain way, act a certain way, have a lot of money, have a good job, nice house, car etc so that is what people strive for and when they get them they then have to pretend to be happy. And yes I said pretend to be happy, because there are very few people that would be happy just with those things alone. And if someone is depressed then they are given pills to stop them from feeling sad. But these pills stop them from feeling at all!! So why don’t they want us to connect with our feelings? What is it about feeling pain that they don’t want us to discover? There must be some reason why they don’t want us to connect with our emotions and it certainly isn’t because they have our best interests at heart.
Basically it is because, if we feel pain and face it head on and allow those emotions to wash through us and feel them fully, we are transformed. Pain is often the result of suppressed aspects of ourselves not being fully integrated and it resides as an unconscious memory in our cells. Often these memories are the result of trauma when we were a child. When an emotion is triggered by something which reminds us of that traumatic event, in an unconscious way it comes to the surface and we often project those feelings onto others. If we allow that feeling to come to the surface and feel it fully, we give ourselves the opportunity to remember the original trauma and integrate that memory into our conscious memory, which dissolves the trigger. This also gives us wisdom as we realise that we are not that emotion that we are feeling eg worthlessness, guilt etc and gives us an opp0rtunity to forgive others and ourselves. So it is healing. When we are able to transform and integrate all of the major wounds that occurred to us when we were young, and gain the wisdom from them so that we are no longer triggered by them and are able to gain a deeper understanding of ourself and know who we truly are and our purpose, then we stop looking externally for anything. We know that everything is within and it starts with self love and self awareness. The more aware we are of self, the more aware we are of everything and the deeper our connection is to everything and everyone. You can feel that connection. It is palpable. Unity consciousness has nothing to do with projecting our physical self or consciousness outside of our self to connect with others, it is about connecting totally and deeply with our self and dissolving all of our programmes, facing all of our darkness and accepting and integrating and when we deepen that connection to our self, we connect with others naturally. And we can only do this through our emotions. It is through feeling the deepest pain that we are able to feel the deepest love. It is absolutely true. And when we are able to let go of all attachment, then we are totally free. This is what self actualization is all about. But this letting go of attachment is not about flying away in consciousness to a far away dimension so that you don’t have to feel the pain. No, it is about feeling the worst possible pain imaginable, connected to attachment, until you reach a point where there are only 2 choices. You either live or end it all. I came to this point recently. Ireally didn’t want to be here any more. I asked myself what would happen if I ended it all. I would hurt my family and I didn’t think it was fair to hurt them. So that didn’t leave me with much of a choice. So by staying, what could I do to make it bearable and different to what it had been previously? I realised that the only way that I could find peace in being here would be to completely let go of any expectations of what others do. I realised that in having expectations on how others behave towards me, that I was limiting them somehow and I was also hurting myself and that I had to trust others and allow them to be who they need to be. That I am stronger than I actually give myself credit for and that I don’t need others to behave in any way towards me. I am fine. I can give myself all of what I was looking for in another person but if others want to give that then that is fine also. I realised that the right people would be in my life because of this new way of being and feeling about myself and I feel more empowered that I do not need others to feel validated. This is totally freeing and when we integrate the dark and hidden parts of our self we allow more light in, more of our true soul essence and become more of who we truly are. This isn’t an easy process because it requires us to be totally honest with ourselves but it is the only way to self actualization in physical form. The only way to bring more light or soul essence into our physical body is to clear out the toxins and pollution that is blocking the light and most of this consists of painful emotions caused by unconscious trauma. You gotta feel it to heal it.