I know that I said that I wasn’t going to post any more blogs this week until the end but so much is coming to the surface to be healed and I am gaining so many insights and wisdom that it would be rude not to share.
Today is day 2 of my 7 days in the desert and it is also a full moon and it feels like I have already done a week. This morning when I got up, I started contemplating my own behaviour and why I always feel the need to reach out to people who are down, alone, helpless. Or not so much why I reach out, as I reach out because I know what it is like to feel alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. But there is more to it than that, as I then start to worry that they will leave me, that when they feel better, they will move on and leave me behind. And it is this I am questioning and then I have to question my motives for reaching out in the first place. Not because I am not being genuine when I reach out but more asking where am I coming from inside when I do this. I was given the answer almost immediately. Basically, when I reach out to others, I am also reaching out to my inner child, the little girl inside me that never got the love that she deserved. The little girl inside me who felt so all alone, for all of her childhood and nobody ever paid her any attention. The one that never wants anyone else to feel like that. Although I was sort of aware of this, this revelation came at me in a way that it never had before. And the fact that I cannot fulfil my own needs through other people. I need to give myself the same understanding and unconditional love that I give other people.
And this ties nicely into the next bit because connected to that is that because I am very empathic and don’t want others to feel alone when they are hurting, I sort of have this expectation that others will do the same for me, and they never do, obviously, because of my expectation or need. It is not a conscious expectation. Rather it arrives as a feeling of being let down, or rejection when others aren’t there for me. And the more that I allow myself to care about someone, the greater this expectation of being let down is. Truth is, thinking about it, I maybe even unconsciously create these situations, just so that I can confirm to myself how unlovable I am. And I have never ever thought of myself as needy before. But these last few weeks I have been behaving like that. Thinking about it, I am not sure whether it is that I have never been needy or whether I thought that I was so undeserving of any kind of love that I almost told myself that it didn’t matter and was part of the process so I didn’t allow myself to get too attached to people. I think that is what has been different over the last few weeks. I have allowed myself to get attached, but this has brought to the surface all of those hidden insecurities. And I don’t think that it is a major thing, because as I am contemplating and reflecting on it and these feelings come to the surface, and I am gaining insights and wisdom into it all, I am sure that I am healing. Plus anything which is brought out into the open can no longer have power over you. I am hoping anyway.
I haven’t been liking myself very much today as I have thought about some of the things that I have said and thought and the way that I have behaved. But then if these things had never happened, the feelings wouldn’t be coming to the surface to be healed now. So I am in deepest gratitude to the people who have helped me through this process. I just seem to like to do things the hard way.
Yesterday I wrote about trust. I think that the biggest obstacle to trust is trusting yourself. Again it boils down to self love. If we can trust in ourselves to lead us where we need to go and to overcome any obstacles in our way, heal our own wounds, then this will be reflected in our outside world. We just all need to take a chill pill and enjoy the ride.