Today is the day that I realised just how bad things have got! A wake up call, which I don’t need to go into here but it has made me look around me – my house, my life, my reclusive behaviour – and see that I am barely holding on by a piece of string. I have not been looking after myself, not tending to things in my life that I should have been. And I’m not even sure why really. But I have developed some pretty strange phobias around things that I don’t deal with when I should. So I leave them even longer, until I just get overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I can’t even do the simplest task. Well that’s how I was feeling this morning. Only able to put one foot in front of the other, get food for myself, do a bit of shopping, take the dog out and feed it. Everything else was feeling too much to deal with. Except, I hadn’t realised how much of everything was too much to deal with until this evening. Then something happened to jolt me into the realisation that if I didn’t get my act together pretty sharpish, then things are going to go tits up in a big way for me. After this jolt, I was able to clean the kitchen and tidy and hoover the living room in about half an hour (although still some to do) and this had seemed an insurmountable task! Hmmm!! So what is going on here?
On reflection I think there are a few things going on. Part of it is childhood programming and ancestral stuff. And part of it is breaking out of mind control via programming and implants too. And part of it is feeling let down by people who were important to me.
Procrastination, putting things off until I get stressed and until the task seems much bigger than it actually is, has always been a trait of mine. I have always ‘worked better under pressure’. So what does ‘working better under pressure’ actually mean? Interesting question. To me it means that I leave myself just enough time to complete the task in the deadline that has been set. This often involves rushing the task, which inevitably means that you do not put your best effort in, because there is not enough time. And this is always then a good excuse, is it not, if you do not perform to the desired standard, as if you had given yourself more time, you could have performed the task better. But usually I do perform to the desired standard so then there is even less incentive to not leave things to the last minute. There is also a little bit of thrill seeking from this type of behaviour, as there is a certain level of excitement in trying to get something finished in a short deadline. And usually I have it timed to the minute. It’s also a habit. And habits are hard to break. Lately though, over the last few months, there has been something more sinister going on. Something which is making me behave in ways that I wouldn’t normally behave. Whatever it is has been exaggerating all of the usual feelings that I would get when procrastinating and this has led to phobia type feelings and then avoidance of the task or issue completely, which could have quite serious repercussions. It’s like I am sitting with my fingers in my ears going lalalalala, at the top of my voice in order to avoid it. I guess, what I realised this evening was, that I had given up, and that scared the shit out of me more than the actual tasks that I have been avoiding. Sometimes I can’t see the point in doing some of these tasks, when I am the only one who will see or benefit. Can’t be bothered doing that just for me. It won’t matter if I leave that a bit longer, as there is only me that will see it. Then I end up leaving stuff until they become a problem. If I lived with someone else or there was a significant other in my life, I am sure this wouldn’t have got to this stage. But that shouldn’t be the reason for doing stuff anyway.
I have been let down by so many people over the last year and this has affected me more than I realised. Particularly as I trusted the most recent two people and trust is extremely difficult for me due to past conditioning. This has made me turn into a bit of a recluse for a while. And I am happy with my own company but the self love is something that I am still working on. So hence the not taking care of my environment and everyday tasks. But I am starting to meet new people now, which is really good and these are more genuine connections, with no hidden agenda or inauthenticity. So there are definitely positive changes taking place.
Plus there was the alien implants. I won’t go into too much detail about that here but I have had numerous alien implants and technology removed, plus attachments and I am pretty sure that these implants have had something to do with mind control and exaggerating my phobias, and my behaviour too. Plus I have recently found out that parts of my childhood are not how I remember them and that horrendous stuff has happened to me and been part of and then had false memories inserted and the real memories wiped. This is a complete mind fuck, as trying to get your head around the fact that your childhood is different to how you remember it is extremely challenging. I will write about all of this another time but I did need to mention it as it is a big part of all of this and my behaviour. And I am also on a homeopathic detox, to detox vaccines and roaccutane. So this will help to unlock, open up and release stuff from cells, also. So I am clearing, releasing and healing on many levels simultaneously at the moment. I have also been shown how to protect my energy, shield myself and command my personal space. And learning how to do this is essential as we move through these chaotic times as there are so many vampires and parasites out there waiting to feed from us and suck us dry. This has made a huge difference to my overall energy levels and to how I look. And so, I received the wake up call this evening. And this has shown me that I am not ready to give up yet and I will never give in.