We live in a crazy, topsy turvy world. Or at least it can seem that way sometimes, especially these days as chaos seems to reign supreme. It is definitely topsy turvy, by design by the invading consciousness that has hijacked this reality and the chaos is the resistance of nature trying to bring everything back into balance.
Today is Father’s day, all over the world, and families are paying tribute to the fathers in their lives. This has always been a difficult day for me. A day tinged with sadness at not being able to participate and shame because my own father did not love me enough to stick around. My parents split up when I was five years old, and divorced when I was 7 years old. But even before they split, I had never had a close relationship with my father, because he simply wasn’t around much. It is said by psychologists that it is our relationship with the parent of the opposite sex that shapes our relationships in adult life. Freud, Jung and co would have had a field day with me. Indeed, when I was a teenager and young adult, I struggled to even hold a normal conversation with an adult that I didn’t know, particularly men. So maybe there is something in what the psychologists have to say. But I have spent all of my adult life healing those past wounds and traumas and, although I am no chatterbox that can just talk for hours to anyone, I am pretty much as healed as I am ever going to be, and I am no longer afraid of talking to men. For that reason, I wasn’t going to write my blog about this but then there is a part of me that does wonder about him. I do sometimes wonder if I should try and contact him. But then I don’t know if that will achieve anything at this stage. The reason why I decided to write this is because of my relationship with my mum. Yes, that does sound a bit contradictory, but for me, it is the maternal ancestral lineage that requires the most healing. And what I have realised is, that this is down to me.
The pervading archonic consciousness that has hijacked this reality, has inverted everything. It has done this in order to cause confusion, and to prevent us from reaching our true potential because the invertions keep us locked in this reality in a perpetual reincarnation cycle and they use us for loosh or they use our soul energy as fuel as they have become disconnected from source. Sexual energy is one of the most powerful human creative energies, if not THE most powerful creative energies and it is through divine union and sacred marriage that miracles can occur and we can activate all 12 strands of DNA and become exactly who we are meant to be. Divine union can occur with a partner but it can also occur within a person who has integrated their own divine feminine and masculine energies. So it stands to reason that the pervading archonic consciousness would want to sabotage this. And they have done quite a good job of this thus far. They have even created a structure that resides underneath Stonehenge, that collects and reverses all sexual energy. This results in sexual distortions and perversions and confusion over gender roles etc. It also creates wounds and they become cyclical, as they are passed from generation to generation from the learnt behaviour passed from parent to child from the parent who has been wounded by their wounded parents, who have not integrated their divine masculine and feminine. It is a truth that hurt people, hurt people, and so the cycles repeat themselves, through mysogyny, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, feminism, emotional, mental and other types of abuse. It is all connected. And not only do we pass these behaviours and wounds to our children through example and through how we treat our own offspring but it is also passed on through our genes. Children do adopt all of their parents hangups. A lot of this is passed on unconsciously and totally innocently. For example, my mum has always had a problem with her weight, while I have been around, and I was very acutely aware of this as a small child. Maybe I was an extra sensitive child, but I remember being paranoid about not putting too much weight on as I was growing up, and as a 20 yr old, I only weighed 7 and a half stone, but if I got to 8 stone, I would cut back on my eating because I was afraid of getting fat. I didn’t have an eating disorder by any means, but I did watch what I ate and I know that this was directly related to my mum’s attitude to her weight problem as I was growing up because I could see how unhappy it made her. Even when I was 2 yrs old I was worried that my thighs were too fat. So I know that my mum passed on all of her issues to me. My mum was/is a very fearful person. She is afraid of everything. Most of all she is afraid of what other people will think of her. I spent my childhood being afraid of my own shadow and when I left home I had no idea who I was at all. Interestingly, I am not afraid of much any more but there are still some things that I need to work on. I refuse to let anything external to myself control me. But it has taken a lifetime to get to this point and I have spent much of my life missing out on opportunities because I was too afraid to do anything about them. But at least I am healing now.
My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. We are opposite in almost every way. Although, when there is no stress or disagreements we get on ok. But my mum sees any sort of disagreement with her as being some sort of a reflection on the whole mother and daughter relationship. I was simply not allowed to disagree with her or have a different opinion to her or she would see that as rejection. Growing up I suffered all kinds of abuse, because of my mums unhealed wounds. The emotional, mental abuse and neglect came solely from her own wounds. I knew this instinctively as a child, as I have always been an empath, but because I was still a child, and I had needs that needed to be taken care of by a parent figure, it was almost impossible to have compassion for her, because I thought she should be able to put that aside and care for her children and that, as well as my parents splitting up, had a really detrimental effect on me. I have hung around, though, because of my brother. He has Down’s syndrome and I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. Hoping that one day my mum would begin to look at alternative living arrangements for him so that he could have some independence and also in case anything should happen to her. But no, she wasn’t able to do that and I think that the reasons why she was unable to do that run even deeper than her own wounds from this lifetime. As she dug her heels in more and more, I started to become more and more resentful and felt that she was wanting me to take over the caring role. This made it even more difficult for us to communicate. We did come close, once, to looking at some supported living but then someone said something that she didn’t like so she put up the barriers again. Then she started getting old and not very good on her feet and I said to her a couple of years ago that she shouldn’t leave it until she couldn’t cope any more because it takes time to find a suitable placement. But no, because social services would need to be involved, she would not entertain the thought. So then, last year, it got to the point where she wasn’t really coping. We got a social worker involved, and he has been better than most of them but still she was being difficult, as the social worker was trying to sort out respite in shared care but she sabotaged that because I don’t think she could stand the thought of someone else being able to look after him and her not being able to do that any more. I started to have him stay with me once a month after I had had to take him in an emergency because it was all getting too much, but she stopped him coming to my house because I could cope with him. This seems silly, and it is to most people because she is 80 yrs old now and not good on her feet at all and I don’t know how anyone of her age should be expected to look after my brother, as his behaviour isn’t easy. I used to get angry with her, I used to feel despair and frustration. I have cried when she has told me that I interfere when we go to appointments, when all I am doing is being an advocate for both of them. But what I have come to understand is that she sees that as her role and rather than admit that she can’t do that sort of thing very well, even though I am a professional and know the system myself, she would rather project her own insecurities onto me, even now, after all these years. Plus there is also some cognitive decline and a general reluctance to accept that she is getting older. So now, I have reached a point where I can’t be angry with her any more. I have nothing but compassion for her. I realise that she is still a wounded child that never received the unconditional love that a child should do from it’s parents and so now, it is up to me to show her that unconditional love. It is up to me to help her to heal and, in the process, help to heal the ancestral wounds that are so ingrained in the maternal side of my family. I have realised that I don’t need her approval any more. I am not a child any more. I have healed most of my wounds. What I see is a frail, vulnerable adult, who is struggling to come to terms with her own mortality and so I will be here when I can and support her in the best way that I can. And yes it feels too much sometimes, yes I feel as if I am torn into 10 different parts sometimes but I will support her, because I have compassion and if I can help ease the situation in any way, I will and this will then heal the relationship between the two of us and hopefully will help her to heal her own wounds, although there are no guarantees with that one. Either way, there is no point in trying to get an 80 yr old to see anything in a different way. So maybe it is me that needs to see things in a different way and to let go and accept where she is at and trust the Universe.