Healing the masculine and feminine

We live in a crazy, topsy turvy world. Or at least it can seem that way sometimes, especially these days as chaos seems to reign supreme. It is definitely topsy turvy, by design by the invading consciousness that has hijacked this reality and the chaos is the resistance of nature trying to bring everything back into balance.

Today is Father’s day, all over the world, and families are paying tribute to the fathers in their lives. This has always been a difficult day for me. A day tinged with sadness at not being able to participate and shame because my own father did not love me enough to stick around. My parents split up when I was five years old, and divorced when I was 7 years old. But even before they split, I had never had a close relationship with my father, because he simply wasn’t around much. It is said by psychologists that it is our relationship with the parent of the opposite sex that shapes our relationships in adult life. Freud, Jung and co would have had a field day with me. Indeed, when I was a teenager and young adult, I struggled to even hold a normal conversation with an adult that I didn’t know, particularly men. So maybe there is something in what the psychologists have to say. But I have spent all of my adult life healing those past wounds and traumas and, although I am no chatterbox that can just talk for hours to anyone, I am pretty much as healed as I am ever going to be, and I am no longer afraid of talking to men. For that reason, I wasn’t going to write my blog about this but then there is a part of me that does wonder about him. I do sometimes wonder if I should try and contact him. But then I don’t know if that will achieve anything at this stage. The reason why I decided to write this is because of my relationship with my mum. Yes, that does sound a bit contradictory, but for me, it is the maternal ancestral lineage that requires the most healing. And what I have realised is, that this is down to me.

The pervading archonic consciousness that has hijacked this reality, has inverted everything. It has done this in order to cause confusion, and to prevent us from reaching our true potential because the invertions keep us locked in this reality in a perpetual reincarnation cycle and they use us for loosh or they use our soul energy as fuel as they have become disconnected from source. Sexual energy is one of the most powerful human creative energies, if not THE most powerful creative energies and it is through divine union and sacred marriage that miracles can occur and we can activate all 12 strands of DNA and become exactly who we are meant to be. Divine union can occur with a partner but it can also occur within a person who has integrated their own divine feminine and masculine energies. So it stands to reason that the pervading archonic consciousness would want to sabotage this. And they have done quite a good job of this thus far. They have even created  a structure that resides underneath Stonehenge, that collects and reverses all sexual energy. This results in sexual distortions and perversions and confusion over gender roles etc. It also creates wounds and they become cyclical, as they are passed from generation to generation from the learnt behaviour passed from parent to child from the parent who has been wounded by their wounded parents, who have not integrated their divine masculine and feminine. It is a truth that hurt people, hurt people, and so the cycles repeat themselves, through mysogyny, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, feminism, emotional, mental and other types of abuse. It is all connected. And not only do we pass these behaviours and wounds to our children through example and through how we treat our own offspring but it is also passed on through our genes. Children do adopt all of their parents hangups. A lot of this is passed on unconsciously and totally innocently. For example, my mum has always had a problem with her weight, while I have been around, and I was very acutely aware of this as a small child. Maybe I was an extra sensitive child, but I remember being paranoid about not putting too much weight on as I was growing up, and as a 20 yr old, I only weighed 7 and a half stone, but if I got to 8 stone, I would cut back on my eating because I was afraid of getting fat. I didn’t have an eating disorder by any means, but I did watch what I ate and I know that this was directly related to my mum’s attitude to her weight problem as I was growing up because I could see how unhappy it made her. Even when I was 2 yrs old I was worried that my thighs were too fat. So I know that my mum passed on all of her issues to me. My mum was/is a very fearful person. She is afraid of everything. Most of all she is afraid of what other people will think of her. I spent my childhood being afraid of my own shadow and when I left home I had no idea who I was at all. Interestingly, I am not afraid of much any more but there are still some things that I need to work on. I refuse to let anything external to myself control me. But it has taken a lifetime to get to this point and I have spent much of my life missing out on opportunities because I was too afraid to do anything about them. But at least I am healing now.

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. We are opposite in almost every way. Although, when there is no stress or disagreements we get on ok. But my mum sees any sort of disagreement with her as being some sort of a reflection on the whole mother and daughter relationship. I was simply not allowed to disagree with her or have a different opinion to her or she would see that as rejection. Growing up I suffered all kinds of abuse, because of my mums unhealed wounds. The emotional, mental abuse and neglect came solely from her own wounds. I knew this instinctively as a child, as I have always been an empath, but because I was still a child, and I had needs that needed to be taken care of by a parent figure, it was almost impossible to have compassion for her, because I thought she should be able to put that aside and care for her children and that, as well as my parents splitting up, had a really detrimental effect on me. I have hung around, though, because of my brother. He has Down’s syndrome and I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. Hoping that one day my mum would begin to look at alternative living arrangements for him so that he could have some independence and also in case anything should happen to her. But no, she wasn’t able to do that and I think that the reasons why she was unable to do that run even deeper than her own wounds from this lifetime.  As she dug her heels in more and more, I started to become more and more resentful and felt that she was wanting me to take over the caring role. This made it even more difficult for us to communicate. We did come close, once, to looking at some supported living but then someone said something that she didn’t like so she put up the barriers again. Then she started getting old and not very good on her feet and I said to her a couple of years ago that she shouldn’t leave it until she couldn’t cope any more because it takes time to find a suitable placement. But no, because social services would need to be involved, she would not entertain the thought. So then, last year, it got to the point where she wasn’t really coping. We got a social worker involved, and he has been better than most of them but still she was being difficult, as the social worker was trying to sort out respite in shared care but she sabotaged that because I don’t think she could stand the thought of someone else being able to look after him and her not being able to do that any more. I started to have him stay with me once a month after I had had to take him in an emergency because it was all getting too much, but she stopped him coming to my house because I could cope with him. This seems silly, and it is to most people because she is 80 yrs old now and not good on her feet at all and I don’t know how anyone of  her age should be expected to look after my brother, as his behaviour isn’t easy. I used to get angry with her, I used to feel despair and frustration. I have cried when she has told me that I interfere when we go to appointments, when all I am doing is being an advocate for both of them. But what I have come to understand is that she sees that as her role and rather than admit that she can’t do that sort of thing very well, even though I am a professional and know the system myself, she would rather project her own insecurities onto me, even now, after all these years. Plus there is also some cognitive decline and a general reluctance to accept that she is getting older. So now, I have reached a point where I can’t be angry with her any more. I have nothing but compassion for her. I realise that she is still a wounded child that never received the unconditional love that a child should do from it’s parents and so now, it is up to me to show her that unconditional love. It is up to me to help her to heal and, in the process, help to heal the ancestral wounds that are so ingrained in the maternal side of my family. I have realised that I don’t need her approval any more. I am not a child any more. I have healed most of my wounds. What I see is a frail, vulnerable adult, who is struggling to come to terms with her own mortality and so I will be here when I can and support her in the best way that I can. And yes it feels too much sometimes, yes I feel as if I am torn into 10 different parts sometimes but I will support her, because I have compassion and if I can help ease the situation in any way, I will and this will then heal the relationship between the two of us and hopefully will help her to heal her own wounds, although there are no guarantees with that one. Either way, there is no point in trying to get an 80 yr old to see anything in a different way. So maybe it is me that needs to see things in a different way and to let go and accept where she is at and trust the Universe.


Inner work

The term, doing the inner work is used a lot in spiritual circles and has been adopted by the New Age pop spirituality to describe a means of growth and development and even a way of reaching enlightenment. But what exactly does ‘doing the inner work’ actually mean. In this article I will try and explain, but I can only describe my own thoughts and feelings about it based upon own personal experience. I am aware that others may have a different perception of what it means.

Speaking from my own perspective, I think that doing the inner work means to clear all the blocks within oneself that leads to self awareness. True self awareness, to me, leads to embodiment, as when something is aware of itself, it has to be the spirit that holds that awareness, the inner voice and knowing that we have that is different to our thoughts and emotional reactions. But that is another article in and of itself, although connected and integral to the process of the inner work. For today I will try to explain what the inner work means to me.  Self awareness is crucial to the process of inner work and from my personal experiences there seems to be different stages of this. As we release all that is not really us, ie the programmes, emotional trauma, thought patterns, beliefs, etc that no longer serve us, then we are led through different stages of self awareness and it is necessary to go through these stages in order to build upon the awareness we have already gained and to go deeper within ourselves. To me, the stages seem to begin with no awareness,  that when a person possesses hardly any self awareness then they will react to every situation from unconscious beliefs and patterns, with no awareness of why they are doing it or what the consequences might be for themselves or others.

So the first stage of self awareness is when someone becomes aware of the other ie why someone might behave the way that they do. So they recognise that there might have been an event in the past that might have caused the other person to behave in a certain way. An obvious example of this would be if someone had just lost someone close to them and the person was grieving. We would then recognise that the person was upset because someone close to them had just died and that this is a natural reaction and we would be mindful of this and adjust our behaviour. Whereas a person who had no self awareness at all would not make any adjustments in their behaviour because they would not see that it was necessary to do so. So therefore they would be lacking in empathy. They wouldn’t be able to relate to the other persons grief or have any understanding of how it would impact that person, so they could not empathise with them and so would not feel it necessary to change their own behaviour in order to minimise any distress to the grieving person. Or they would not be very tolerant of the grieving persons behaviour and so would expect them to carry on as normal. As crazy as this scenario sounds, you do see this in society to some degree, and more than most people would realise. I think that themajority of people would recognise that a person would be upset when someone close to them dies but they would maybe not fully realise the true impact and might expect them to only be upset for a few days and then go back to being  their normal self. But again, this relates to their own experience of death and how then they are able to put themselves in the other persons shoes. BUT it also relates to their own willingness to really look at the situation of the other, who is going through the grief. And this is a big part of the journey through self awareness, is the fear factor and how willing we are to face our fears, and death is truly one of the biggest fears that we face, as humans and it infiltrates into every aspect of our lives. So often people are not able to truly look at someone elses grief, because they fear their own mortality. And this can then lead to a lack of empathy as they are only able to support the other person, who is experiencing the grief, to the extent and the depth that they are able to look at death and their own mortality. Most people would be able to show some level of kindness and support but some are not even able to do that because they fear death so much. So stage one is the recognition of why someone might behave in a certain way, and it is related to our own experiences, in the most part or our own observations. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that we fully accept their behaviour. And when we take into account that the external world is a reflection of our internal world we can see here how this is the beginning stages of self awareness, as it is the external, here that is reflecting something back to us and we are able to recognise it but on an unconscious level.

Stage two is when we start to recognise and understand our own behaviour. This might start when we begin seeing certain patterns reoccurring in our lives. Maybe, we attract certain people into our life who treat us badly and we start to see that this is connected to patterns from our childhood where we were treated badly then and so we have developed a certain behaviour pattern which encourages others to treat us badly in our adult lives. Maybe we find it difficult to be assertive with others etc so we aren’t able to communicate our needs effectively to, and so we feel disempowered and then this perpetuates as we seem to seek people who will misuse their power against us and likewise, those who unconsciously seek to abuse their power over others, will subconsciously seek out people who they can do this with. Or also, because of our behaviour, or the energetics that we carry within us, we can trigger these unresolved aspects in each other, even if we don’t behave like this with everyone. So stage two is starting to recognise our own behaviour and the programmes that are not who we really are, and that there is usually (but not always on a conscious level) an identifyable reason or cause for this behaviour or belief pattern and this means we can then start to do something about it. Whereas in the unaware person, they will think that all their behaviours and belief patterns are who they really are. We start to become aware of our own patterns when we feel some discomfort with the way that our lives are. This is our spirit talking to us and telling us that this isn’t who we truly are and it gives us the impetus to look at this a little deeper and understand why we behave in a certain way.  Similarly, when similar events keep appearing in our lives that seem to trigger certain emotions or behaviour, it is our spirit that it giving us an opportunity to look at it and see what is truly going on.

These two stages, in and of themselves, form the basis of the development of self awareness. And although I have called them stage one and stage two, and that stage one has to happen before we can reach any level of stage two, it isn’t linear, in that we are always learning about others and we are constantly learning about ourselves. So it is like a dance as we flit between the two. There are also many layers and so there is always the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves and deepen the self awareness. And it is a symbiotic process then, for as we deepen our own self awareness, then our empathy and compassion deepens for others. So I guess that this process could be called stage three, but as I said, it is not linear and it is not something which can be achieved with the mind. It is an alchemical process that happens when when our spirit is merging with our physical vessel. If you can imagine that our spirit is purity. Our spirit is our true self. Our spirit is our higher awareness and so therefore can only ever be in integrity. Our spirit longs to be merged with our physical body but it can only do that if the physical vessel is of the same level of integrity and authenticity. So as our spirit tries to merge with our body, when it comes across something within us that is not who we truly are ie a belief pattern or behaviour, trauma etc that is held in our cells, it will trigger us in some way or attract events or situations to us that give us the opportunity to look at it and dissolve it or integrate something which we have maybe blocked. And I say an opportunity, because it is a choice. We have to choose and be willing to be totally honest with ourselves and that can be extremely difficult and extremely painful. When I look around I see that everyone is in a different stage and that the majority of people tend to build a wall of protection around them so that they can avoid looking at too much pain. They build a life that is comfortable and they surround themselves with people who only reflect their positive aspects and they will block the negative because they are so protected that they don’t need to look at it or the pain that might ensue. It is perhaps only when some tragedy happens to them or someone close to them that they are then forced, maybe to look at the something which they may have been avoiding. But even then, they may not choose to look at it, they may choose insanity. And this is the fear factor, and there are many therapies etc out there that can help us with these fears but we have be willing to go there. For me, there is no choice. I had, what most would call, including me for a long time, a challenging and traumatic childhood. And I know I am not the only one who has. But this gave me the motivation to overcome everything that happened to me and through this process has led me to a deeper and deeper awareness of myself and it never stops. There is always more to know and learn about yourself and your relationship to the world and to others. There is always more to know because the universe is constantly expanding and therefore so are we. If we are able to face the things that we are afraid of then we can see how the things that we feared would kill us are nothing. Energy cannot be killed and we are all energetic beings. Fears can, however, block our spirit and it is our spirit which helps us to reach our full potential and access our gifts and our purpose.

Our external reality is designed to discourage us from doing the inner work and from merging with our spirit. This is done through a variety of means, through additives and manipulation of our food, to keeping us busy and in our heads all the time and constantly doing, disempowering us and keeping us in a state or comparing ourselves to others and making the others that we compare ourselves to an unattainable ideal for most  people, in order to make people feel inadequate, and through making people feel that having negative emotions is not normal so that people either hide  them and are not authentic in their relationships or that they medicate to numb the feelings either with alcohol, drugs or prescription medication. All of this is a distraction to prevent us from becoming self aware, or spirit aware and spirit embodied.

There does seem to be another stage, or that is how I am perceiving it anyway. And that is that when you see, what could be classed as a negative behaviour in someone else or someone does something  to you that you find hurtful, then you instantly see this behaviour in yourself. This is kind of difficult to explain as it is more the impact that this has on you, rather than just it’s recognition. So what I have found is that even when someone does something which you once perceived as being wrong and is wrong in the eyes of society (and I’m not talking about taking another persons life or rape or any physical violation here) is that after my initial anger, I am then shown (after I ask what my part in it all is) how either I behave like that sometimes or if I don’t behave in exactly the same way, I am shown why they are behaving the way that they are and that not only that, often I have had similar experiences and have similar patterns, which have mostly healed but there are still more layers and that even though there are similar patterns, the way that I externalise it is different to the other person. For me, this can only lead to greater compassion and forgiveness. Not only for the other person but also for myself. And in that forgiveness comes healing, for all parties.

What I have just realised over the past couple of days is that you eventually reach a level where you have cleared, transmuted, dissolved, healed, integrated most of the false beliefs, behaviours, and patterns but there is a residue of it still left and a realisation that it will never go away and that then leads to the final stage of acceptance and true compassion and unconditional love of self and others. I am not there yet but this was quite a profound realisation for me and I am well on my way from just having this realisation. There are some things that happen to us when we are children that we can’t completely eradicate from our body.  When we have eliminated all of the emotional responses and unconscious behaviour that resulted from those experiences, the experiences are still there. It’s not going to go away. It is part of us and so the next stage is to accept it as such. Not because we condone it but because it just is and we can’t change it. The beauty of this is that in the unravelling of these experiences and journey of healing and integration, we have learnt so much about who we are but also as well, we have become more than we were before, through the process of alchemy of our spirit with our human vessel. I am not sure if I am explaining this very well as it is so hard to put into words but this is how it feels to me and I hope that you can get the basis of what I am trying to say.

So the inner work is THE most important work that you can do. In fact it is the ONLY work.  Life and listening to our body shows us what we need to do next. It isn’t a mental process that happens through studying or reading books or from positive thinking or even from meditation necessarily (although meditation helps some people).  It is a natural process of that longing to merge with your spirit and become the truest and best version of yourself while in physical form in order to live your full potential and your life purpose. Most people are severely compromised by external forces but we can break through it. We can and we must and we must not become complacent with the person who we are now. There is alway more work to do. We can always become more of who we really are.


Wake up call

Today is the day that I realised just how bad things have got! A wake up call, which I don’t need to go into here but it has made me look around me – my house, my life, my reclusive behaviour – and see that I am barely holding on by a piece of string. I have not been looking after myself, not tending to things in my life that I should have been. And I’m not even sure why really. But I have developed some pretty strange phobias around things that I don’t deal with when I should. So I leave them even longer, until I just get overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I can’t even do the simplest task. Well that’s how I was feeling this morning. Only able to put one foot in front of the other, get food for myself, do a bit of shopping, take the dog out and feed it. Everything else was feeling too much to deal with. Except, I hadn’t realised how much of everything was too much to deal with until this evening. Then something happened to jolt me into the realisation that if I didn’t get my act together pretty sharpish, then things are going to go tits up in a big way for me. After this jolt, I was able to clean the kitchen and tidy and hoover the living room in about half an hour (although still some to do) and this had seemed an insurmountable task! Hmmm!! So what is going on here?

On reflection I think there are a few things going on. Part of it is childhood programming and ancestral stuff. And part of it is breaking out of mind control via programming and implants too. And part of it is feeling let down by people who were important to me.

Procrastination, putting things off until I get stressed and until the task seems much bigger than it actually is, has always been a trait of mine. I have always ‘worked better  under pressure’. So what does ‘working better under pressure’ actually mean? Interesting question. To me it means that I leave myself just enough time to complete the task in the deadline that has been set. This often involves rushing the task, which inevitably means that you do not put your best effort in, because there is not enough time. And this is always then a good excuse, is it not, if you do not perform to the desired standard, as if you had given  yourself more time, you could have performed the task better. But usually I do perform to the desired standard so then there is even less incentive to not leave things to the last minute.  There is also a little bit of thrill seeking from this type of behaviour, as there is a certain level of excitement in trying to get something finished in a short deadline. And usually I have it timed to the minute. It’s also a habit. And habits are hard to break. Lately though, over the last few months, there has been something more sinister going on. Something which is making me behave in ways that I wouldn’t normally behave. Whatever it is has been exaggerating all of the usual feelings that I would get when procrastinating and this has led to phobia type feelings and then avoidance of the task or issue completely, which could have quite serious repercussions. It’s like I am sitting with my fingers in my ears going lalalalala, at the top of my voice in order to avoid it. I guess, what I realised this evening was, that I had given up, and that scared the shit out of me more than the actual tasks that I have been avoiding. Sometimes I can’t see the point in doing some of these tasks, when I am the only one who will see or benefit. Can’t be bothered doing that just for me. It won’t matter if I leave that a bit longer, as there is only me that will see it. Then I end up leaving stuff until they become a problem. If I lived with someone else or there was a significant other in my life, I am sure this wouldn’t have got to this stage. But that shouldn’t be the reason for doing stuff anyway.

I have been let down by so many people over the last year and this has affected me more than I realised. Particularly as I trusted the most recent two people and trust is extremely difficult for me due to past conditioning. This has made me turn into a bit of a recluse for a while. And I am happy with my own company but the self love is something that I am still working on. So hence the not taking care of my environment and everyday tasks.  But I am starting to meet new people now, which is really good and these are more genuine connections, with no hidden agenda or inauthenticity. So there are definitely positive changes taking place.

Plus there was the alien implants. I won’t go into too much detail about that here but I have had numerous alien implants and technology removed, plus attachments and I am pretty sure that these implants have had something to do with mind control and exaggerating my phobias, and my behaviour too. Plus I have recently found out that parts of my childhood are not how I remember them and that horrendous stuff has happened to me and been part of and then had false memories inserted and the real memories wiped. This is a complete mind fuck, as trying to get your head around the fact that your childhood is different to how you remember it is extremely challenging. I will write about all of this another time but I did need to mention it as it is a big part of all of this and my behaviour. And I am also on a homeopathic detox, to detox vaccines and roaccutane. So this will help to unlock, open up and release stuff from cells, also. So I am clearing, releasing and healing on many levels simultaneously at the moment. I have also been shown how to protect my energy, shield myself and command my personal space. And learning how to do this is essential as we move through these chaotic times as there are so many vampires and parasites out there waiting to feed from us and suck us dry. This has made a huge difference to my overall energy levels and to how I look.  And so, I received the wake up call this evening. And this has shown me that I am not ready to give up yet and I will never give in.