Healing the masculine and feminine

We live in a crazy, topsy turvy world. Or at least it can seem that way sometimes, especially these days as chaos seems to reign supreme. It is definitely topsy turvy, by design by the invading consciousness that has hijacked this reality and the chaos is the resistance of nature trying to bring everything back into balance.

Today is Father’s day, all over the world, and families are paying tribute to the fathers in their lives. This has always been a difficult day for me. A day tinged with sadness at not being able to participate and shame because my own father did not love me enough to stick around. My parents split up when I was five years old, and divorced when I was 7 years old. But even before they split, I had never had a close relationship with my father, because he simply wasn’t around much. It is said by psychologists that it is our relationship with the parent of the opposite sex that shapes our relationships in adult life. Freud, Jung and co would have had a field day with me. Indeed, when I was a teenager and young adult, I struggled to even hold a normal conversation with an adult that I didn’t know, particularly men. So maybe there is something in what the psychologists have to say. But I have spent all of my adult life healing those past wounds and traumas and, although I am no chatterbox that can just talk for hours to anyone, I am pretty much as healed as I am ever going to be, and I am no longer afraid of talking to men. For that reason, I wasn’t going to write my blog about this but then there is a part of me that does wonder about him. I do sometimes wonder if I should try and contact him. But then I don’t know if that will achieve anything at this stage. The reason why I decided to write this is because of my relationship with my mum. Yes, that does sound a bit contradictory, but for me, it is the maternal ancestral lineage that requires the most healing. And what I have realised is, that this is down to me.

The pervading archonic consciousness that has hijacked this reality, has inverted everything. It has done this in order to cause confusion, and to prevent us from reaching our true potential because the invertions keep us locked in this reality in a perpetual reincarnation cycle and they use us for loosh or they use our soul energy as fuel as they have become disconnected from source. Sexual energy is one of the most powerful human creative energies, if not THE most powerful creative energies and it is through divine union and sacred marriage that miracles can occur and we can activate all 12 strands of DNA and become exactly who we are meant to be. Divine union can occur with a partner but it can also occur within a person who has integrated their own divine feminine and masculine energies. So it stands to reason that the pervading archonic consciousness would want to sabotage this. And they have done quite a good job of this thus far. They have even created  a structure that resides underneath Stonehenge, that collects and reverses all sexual energy. This results in sexual distortions and perversions and confusion over gender roles etc. It also creates wounds and they become cyclical, as they are passed from generation to generation from the learnt behaviour passed from parent to child from the parent who has been wounded by their wounded parents, who have not integrated their divine masculine and feminine. It is a truth that hurt people, hurt people, and so the cycles repeat themselves, through mysogyny, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, feminism, emotional, mental and other types of abuse. It is all connected. And not only do we pass these behaviours and wounds to our children through example and through how we treat our own offspring but it is also passed on through our genes. Children do adopt all of their parents hangups. A lot of this is passed on unconsciously and totally innocently. For example, my mum has always had a problem with her weight, while I have been around, and I was very acutely aware of this as a small child. Maybe I was an extra sensitive child, but I remember being paranoid about not putting too much weight on as I was growing up, and as a 20 yr old, I only weighed 7 and a half stone, but if I got to 8 stone, I would cut back on my eating because I was afraid of getting fat. I didn’t have an eating disorder by any means, but I did watch what I ate and I know that this was directly related to my mum’s attitude to her weight problem as I was growing up because I could see how unhappy it made her. Even when I was 2 yrs old I was worried that my thighs were too fat. So I know that my mum passed on all of her issues to me. My mum was/is a very fearful person. She is afraid of everything. Most of all she is afraid of what other people will think of her. I spent my childhood being afraid of my own shadow and when I left home I had no idea who I was at all. Interestingly, I am not afraid of much any more but there are still some things that I need to work on. I refuse to let anything external to myself control me. But it has taken a lifetime to get to this point and I have spent much of my life missing out on opportunities because I was too afraid to do anything about them. But at least I am healing now.

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. We are opposite in almost every way. Although, when there is no stress or disagreements we get on ok. But my mum sees any sort of disagreement with her as being some sort of a reflection on the whole mother and daughter relationship. I was simply not allowed to disagree with her or have a different opinion to her or she would see that as rejection. Growing up I suffered all kinds of abuse, because of my mums unhealed wounds. The emotional, mental abuse and neglect came solely from her own wounds. I knew this instinctively as a child, as I have always been an empath, but because I was still a child, and I had needs that needed to be taken care of by a parent figure, it was almost impossible to have compassion for her, because I thought she should be able to put that aside and care for her children and that, as well as my parents splitting up, had a really detrimental effect on me. I have hung around, though, because of my brother. He has Down’s syndrome and I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. Hoping that one day my mum would begin to look at alternative living arrangements for him so that he could have some independence and also in case anything should happen to her. But no, she wasn’t able to do that and I think that the reasons why she was unable to do that run even deeper than her own wounds from this lifetime.  As she dug her heels in more and more, I started to become more and more resentful and felt that she was wanting me to take over the caring role. This made it even more difficult for us to communicate. We did come close, once, to looking at some supported living but then someone said something that she didn’t like so she put up the barriers again. Then she started getting old and not very good on her feet and I said to her a couple of years ago that she shouldn’t leave it until she couldn’t cope any more because it takes time to find a suitable placement. But no, because social services would need to be involved, she would not entertain the thought. So then, last year, it got to the point where she wasn’t really coping. We got a social worker involved, and he has been better than most of them but still she was being difficult, as the social worker was trying to sort out respite in shared care but she sabotaged that because I don’t think she could stand the thought of someone else being able to look after him and her not being able to do that any more. I started to have him stay with me once a month after I had had to take him in an emergency because it was all getting too much, but she stopped him coming to my house because I could cope with him. This seems silly, and it is to most people because she is 80 yrs old now and not good on her feet at all and I don’t know how anyone of  her age should be expected to look after my brother, as his behaviour isn’t easy. I used to get angry with her, I used to feel despair and frustration. I have cried when she has told me that I interfere when we go to appointments, when all I am doing is being an advocate for both of them. But what I have come to understand is that she sees that as her role and rather than admit that she can’t do that sort of thing very well, even though I am a professional and know the system myself, she would rather project her own insecurities onto me, even now, after all these years. Plus there is also some cognitive decline and a general reluctance to accept that she is getting older. So now, I have reached a point where I can’t be angry with her any more. I have nothing but compassion for her. I realise that she is still a wounded child that never received the unconditional love that a child should do from it’s parents and so now, it is up to me to show her that unconditional love. It is up to me to help her to heal and, in the process, help to heal the ancestral wounds that are so ingrained in the maternal side of my family. I have realised that I don’t need her approval any more. I am not a child any more. I have healed most of my wounds. What I see is a frail, vulnerable adult, who is struggling to come to terms with her own mortality and so I will be here when I can and support her in the best way that I can. And yes it feels too much sometimes, yes I feel as if I am torn into 10 different parts sometimes but I will support her, because I have compassion and if I can help ease the situation in any way, I will and this will then heal the relationship between the two of us and hopefully will help her to heal her own wounds, although there are no guarantees with that one. Either way, there is no point in trying to get an 80 yr old to see anything in a different way. So maybe it is me that needs to see things in a different way and to let go and accept where she is at and trust the Universe.


Inner work

The term, doing the inner work is used a lot in spiritual circles and has been adopted by the New Age pop spirituality to describe a means of growth and development and even a way of reaching enlightenment. But what exactly does ‘doing the inner work’ actually mean. In this article I will try and explain, but I can only describe my own thoughts and feelings about it based upon own personal experience. I am aware that others may have a different perception of what it means.

Speaking from my own perspective, I think that doing the inner work means to clear all the blocks within oneself that leads to self awareness. True self awareness, to me, leads to embodiment, as when something is aware of itself, it has to be the spirit that holds that awareness, the inner voice and knowing that we have that is different to our thoughts and emotional reactions. But that is another article in and of itself, although connected and integral to the process of the inner work. For today I will try to explain what the inner work means to me.  Self awareness is crucial to the process of inner work and from my personal experiences there seems to be different stages of this. As we release all that is not really us, ie the programmes, emotional trauma, thought patterns, beliefs, etc that no longer serve us, then we are led through different stages of self awareness and it is necessary to go through these stages in order to build upon the awareness we have already gained and to go deeper within ourselves. To me, the stages seem to begin with no awareness,  that when a person possesses hardly any self awareness then they will react to every situation from unconscious beliefs and patterns, with no awareness of why they are doing it or what the consequences might be for themselves or others.

So the first stage of self awareness is when someone becomes aware of the other ie why someone might behave the way that they do. So they recognise that there might have been an event in the past that might have caused the other person to behave in a certain way. An obvious example of this would be if someone had just lost someone close to them and the person was grieving. We would then recognise that the person was upset because someone close to them had just died and that this is a natural reaction and we would be mindful of this and adjust our behaviour. Whereas a person who had no self awareness at all would not make any adjustments in their behaviour because they would not see that it was necessary to do so. So therefore they would be lacking in empathy. They wouldn’t be able to relate to the other persons grief or have any understanding of how it would impact that person, so they could not empathise with them and so would not feel it necessary to change their own behaviour in order to minimise any distress to the grieving person. Or they would not be very tolerant of the grieving persons behaviour and so would expect them to carry on as normal. As crazy as this scenario sounds, you do see this in society to some degree, and more than most people would realise. I think that themajority of people would recognise that a person would be upset when someone close to them dies but they would maybe not fully realise the true impact and might expect them to only be upset for a few days and then go back to being  their normal self. But again, this relates to their own experience of death and how then they are able to put themselves in the other persons shoes. BUT it also relates to their own willingness to really look at the situation of the other, who is going through the grief. And this is a big part of the journey through self awareness, is the fear factor and how willing we are to face our fears, and death is truly one of the biggest fears that we face, as humans and it infiltrates into every aspect of our lives. So often people are not able to truly look at someone elses grief, because they fear their own mortality. And this can then lead to a lack of empathy as they are only able to support the other person, who is experiencing the grief, to the extent and the depth that they are able to look at death and their own mortality. Most people would be able to show some level of kindness and support but some are not even able to do that because they fear death so much. So stage one is the recognition of why someone might behave in a certain way, and it is related to our own experiences, in the most part or our own observations. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that we fully accept their behaviour. And when we take into account that the external world is a reflection of our internal world we can see here how this is the beginning stages of self awareness, as it is the external, here that is reflecting something back to us and we are able to recognise it but on an unconscious level.

Stage two is when we start to recognise and understand our own behaviour. This might start when we begin seeing certain patterns reoccurring in our lives. Maybe, we attract certain people into our life who treat us badly and we start to see that this is connected to patterns from our childhood where we were treated badly then and so we have developed a certain behaviour pattern which encourages others to treat us badly in our adult lives. Maybe we find it difficult to be assertive with others etc so we aren’t able to communicate our needs effectively to, and so we feel disempowered and then this perpetuates as we seem to seek people who will misuse their power against us and likewise, those who unconsciously seek to abuse their power over others, will subconsciously seek out people who they can do this with. Or also, because of our behaviour, or the energetics that we carry within us, we can trigger these unresolved aspects in each other, even if we don’t behave like this with everyone. So stage two is starting to recognise our own behaviour and the programmes that are not who we really are, and that there is usually (but not always on a conscious level) an identifyable reason or cause for this behaviour or belief pattern and this means we can then start to do something about it. Whereas in the unaware person, they will think that all their behaviours and belief patterns are who they really are. We start to become aware of our own patterns when we feel some discomfort with the way that our lives are. This is our spirit talking to us and telling us that this isn’t who we truly are and it gives us the impetus to look at this a little deeper and understand why we behave in a certain way.  Similarly, when similar events keep appearing in our lives that seem to trigger certain emotions or behaviour, it is our spirit that it giving us an opportunity to look at it and see what is truly going on.

These two stages, in and of themselves, form the basis of the development of self awareness. And although I have called them stage one and stage two, and that stage one has to happen before we can reach any level of stage two, it isn’t linear, in that we are always learning about others and we are constantly learning about ourselves. So it is like a dance as we flit between the two. There are also many layers and so there is always the opportunity to go deeper into ourselves and deepen the self awareness. And it is a symbiotic process then, for as we deepen our own self awareness, then our empathy and compassion deepens for others. So I guess that this process could be called stage three, but as I said, it is not linear and it is not something which can be achieved with the mind. It is an alchemical process that happens when when our spirit is merging with our physical vessel. If you can imagine that our spirit is purity. Our spirit is our true self. Our spirit is our higher awareness and so therefore can only ever be in integrity. Our spirit longs to be merged with our physical body but it can only do that if the physical vessel is of the same level of integrity and authenticity. So as our spirit tries to merge with our body, when it comes across something within us that is not who we truly are ie a belief pattern or behaviour, trauma etc that is held in our cells, it will trigger us in some way or attract events or situations to us that give us the opportunity to look at it and dissolve it or integrate something which we have maybe blocked. And I say an opportunity, because it is a choice. We have to choose and be willing to be totally honest with ourselves and that can be extremely difficult and extremely painful. When I look around I see that everyone is in a different stage and that the majority of people tend to build a wall of protection around them so that they can avoid looking at too much pain. They build a life that is comfortable and they surround themselves with people who only reflect their positive aspects and they will block the negative because they are so protected that they don’t need to look at it or the pain that might ensue. It is perhaps only when some tragedy happens to them or someone close to them that they are then forced, maybe to look at the something which they may have been avoiding. But even then, they may not choose to look at it, they may choose insanity. And this is the fear factor, and there are many therapies etc out there that can help us with these fears but we have be willing to go there. For me, there is no choice. I had, what most would call, including me for a long time, a challenging and traumatic childhood. And I know I am not the only one who has. But this gave me the motivation to overcome everything that happened to me and through this process has led me to a deeper and deeper awareness of myself and it never stops. There is always more to know and learn about yourself and your relationship to the world and to others. There is always more to know because the universe is constantly expanding and therefore so are we. If we are able to face the things that we are afraid of then we can see how the things that we feared would kill us are nothing. Energy cannot be killed and we are all energetic beings. Fears can, however, block our spirit and it is our spirit which helps us to reach our full potential and access our gifts and our purpose.

Our external reality is designed to discourage us from doing the inner work and from merging with our spirit. This is done through a variety of means, through additives and manipulation of our food, to keeping us busy and in our heads all the time and constantly doing, disempowering us and keeping us in a state or comparing ourselves to others and making the others that we compare ourselves to an unattainable ideal for most  people, in order to make people feel inadequate, and through making people feel that having negative emotions is not normal so that people either hide  them and are not authentic in their relationships or that they medicate to numb the feelings either with alcohol, drugs or prescription medication. All of this is a distraction to prevent us from becoming self aware, or spirit aware and spirit embodied.

There does seem to be another stage, or that is how I am perceiving it anyway. And that is that when you see, what could be classed as a negative behaviour in someone else or someone does something  to you that you find hurtful, then you instantly see this behaviour in yourself. This is kind of difficult to explain as it is more the impact that this has on you, rather than just it’s recognition. So what I have found is that even when someone does something which you once perceived as being wrong and is wrong in the eyes of society (and I’m not talking about taking another persons life or rape or any physical violation here) is that after my initial anger, I am then shown (after I ask what my part in it all is) how either I behave like that sometimes or if I don’t behave in exactly the same way, I am shown why they are behaving the way that they are and that not only that, often I have had similar experiences and have similar patterns, which have mostly healed but there are still more layers and that even though there are similar patterns, the way that I externalise it is different to the other person. For me, this can only lead to greater compassion and forgiveness. Not only for the other person but also for myself. And in that forgiveness comes healing, for all parties.

What I have just realised over the past couple of days is that you eventually reach a level where you have cleared, transmuted, dissolved, healed, integrated most of the false beliefs, behaviours, and patterns but there is a residue of it still left and a realisation that it will never go away and that then leads to the final stage of acceptance and true compassion and unconditional love of self and others. I am not there yet but this was quite a profound realisation for me and I am well on my way from just having this realisation. There are some things that happen to us when we are children that we can’t completely eradicate from our body.  When we have eliminated all of the emotional responses and unconscious behaviour that resulted from those experiences, the experiences are still there. It’s not going to go away. It is part of us and so the next stage is to accept it as such. Not because we condone it but because it just is and we can’t change it. The beauty of this is that in the unravelling of these experiences and journey of healing and integration, we have learnt so much about who we are but also as well, we have become more than we were before, through the process of alchemy of our spirit with our human vessel. I am not sure if I am explaining this very well as it is so hard to put into words but this is how it feels to me and I hope that you can get the basis of what I am trying to say.

So the inner work is THE most important work that you can do. In fact it is the ONLY work.  Life and listening to our body shows us what we need to do next. It isn’t a mental process that happens through studying or reading books or from positive thinking or even from meditation necessarily (although meditation helps some people).  It is a natural process of that longing to merge with your spirit and become the truest and best version of yourself while in physical form in order to live your full potential and your life purpose. Most people are severely compromised by external forces but we can break through it. We can and we must and we must not become complacent with the person who we are now. There is alway more work to do. We can always become more of who we really are.


Implants, why we should get checked and why they need deactivating/removing!!

I think that when most people hear the word implant, if they don’t laugh it off as some sort of magical new age thinking to make the person making claims to having them seem interesting, they are usually seen as happening to some far out hippie type that live in some sort of parallel reality. Certainly in the past this has been the case but I think that with more advanced techniques and more and more people coming forward, it is now becoming a more accepted phenomenon. And truth is they happen to anyone, and they wouldn’t necessarily know that they had them. And you don’t have to believe in them either. I was a sceptic. I used to be one of those people who thought that this was all in the imagination of some wishful thinking or disturbed individuals. But I was wrong and I am now a believer. They deliberately insert this belief in their subjects so that the implants won’t be discovered. It is the perfect disguise because the person affected doesn’t believe in them so won’t go looking for them. This also applies to other things that they do to people against their will.

But who are THEY? To be totally honest I am not entirely sure. It is definitely alien technology but the governments signed treaty’s with some ET races and let them experiment on humans in exchange for technology. But the military industrial complex also experiment on people against their will ie MKUltra programmes and Milabs, so I am not entirely clear where one ends and the other begins and whether there is some sort of collusion and working together. It is further confused as a lot of abductees are given screen memories that make the abductee think that they have been abducted by ET’s when in fact they were abducted by the military. It is all a very dark and seedy affair. But I also think that this is just the tip of the iceburg and I think that they have been perfecting these implants so well that they are now able to implant people through nano technology in vaccines and medication, as well as in the fallout of chemtrails. I would think that the majority of people on this planet have implants of some sort. But there are many different types of implants too, I have discovered. And they have many different functions. Some can cover a whole organ, whereas others might be nano technology and not visible to the naked eye. Most implants, these days, are placed in the etheric body, so there is no need to perform physical surgery any more. And a person or being skilled in astral travel, could place implants in someone’s consciousness just by looking at them. It may sound like a science fiction movie but most science fiction is based upon fact but called science fiction in order to make people disbelieve again.

So why are people implanted? I am not an expert on implants per se, but I do have my own experiences and I have listened to other people’s experiences, plus the wider knowledge that I have gained about the NAA (negative alien agenda) and the MKUltra and Milabs experiments. It seems that there are a variety of reasons and they can be placed anywhere in the body. The main reason is to prevent people from waking up to who they truly are and to reaching their full potential. This can again, be done in a variety of ways, ranging from nano tech in vaccines, which, along with the heavy metals, will lodge in the brain and cause a certain level of brain damage or prevent them from accessing their higher self. But the implants can get more and more sophisticated, depending upon the result that is required and the person who they are implanting. Some devices may have timers on them that activate at certain times of the person’s life or they may have more than one use. Some implants are tracking devices and they make it easier for military personnel or ET’s to track them in order to abduct them for further experimentation. Some implants are placed to prevent you from being fully grounded. This is a major issue as when we are not fully grounded we are not fully present and not only will it affect the quality of our lives but it can leave us open to being taken over by other beings. I had some of these implants. I also had the tracking devices, one of which was only deactivated recently. Some implants are to transmit frequencies through, which affect the person in a negative way. So they are to lower the persons frequency or they might be to mind control them or influence them in some other way. Some implants cause physical illness or malfunction. I have been having a lot of problems with my feet over recent months and discovered I had an implant in my hip which was causing this and not only preventing me from moving forward on a physical level, but also in my life and with my life purpose. A lot of these implants are experimental but there are a lot that they have perfected too so they might place a few that they know work, alongside some that they are experimenting with. It is obscene really, what they are doing to people. I was in shock and grief, the first time I realised what was going on and the more recent time too, just the sheer shock of the extent to what they will do to stop someone from reaching their potential, particularly if they are a threat to them. And how do they find the ones who are a threat to them? They use looking glass technology for incoming souls and when they are born they monitor them and they usually start the experiments when they are children but they could start later in life too. It all depends on the person being targeted, why they are being targeted and if they are going to be recruited to any military programmes. I’d had one implant for many lifetimes and it was placed in such a way as to try prevent me from accessing my higher self.

So why is it important to have implants removed/deactivated? Well I am sure that just by reading the reasons why they are placed and what the implants actually do, will give you a clue as to why it is important to get them removed or deactivated. If they are preventing us from reaching our full potential then they definitely need removing as they could be stopping us from achieving something really important for this planet. They may also be preventing us from escaping this matrix and keeping us locked here due to keeping us in a certain frequency. Spiritual work and self development work will help but if we have implants that are preventing us from reaching our full potential, then no amount of spiritual work or working on ourselves will get us to the point of reaching our full potential and our life purpose. And for some people, who have been part of certain programmes, and are deemed to pose a threat to the elites plans, they may have implants that keep them dumbed down or try to prevent them from waking up and if they do start to wake up then they might target them in a different way and actually try and stop their connection to their higher self and literally starve them of their soul essence or suffocate them and eventually this would lead to the death of that person.

So I would advise anyone to get themselves checked. If you’re not sure who to go to for this, just ask the universe and it usually responds by bringing people into your life that have this sort of skill. Don’t think, well I haven’t got any symptoms, so I don’t think I can have implants. I didn’t have any symptoms to start with either. In fact for a long time. It was only when I started to wake up that they all started to kick in and also because it seemed that no matter how much spiritual work I did on myself or healing I got, I was stuck and I knew that something wasn’t right. But we all have our own way of discerning. What is right for one is not necessarily right for another.  Until you get yourself checked though, you might never know what your potential is or you might feel you are stuck. Before I had mine removed, I felt very ungrounded, I lacked focus, I couldn’t concentrate, I had reached a point where I could only do minimal around the house, and I felt stuck spiritually and that I wasn’t able to move forward with my life. I felt like I was withering and dying in so many ways. I had become apathetic. And now, my head is clearer and much less noise, I am very grounded and rarely ungrounded any more. I am more focused and I am doing things around the house that I have been putting off for years. Plus so much more that I won’t go into here. So this has been a huge journey for me over the past few months, and a huge learning curve and I am looking forward to the next stage of my journey.

Wake up call

Today is the day that I realised just how bad things have got! A wake up call, which I don’t need to go into here but it has made me look around me – my house, my life, my reclusive behaviour – and see that I am barely holding on by a piece of string. I have not been looking after myself, not tending to things in my life that I should have been. And I’m not even sure why really. But I have developed some pretty strange phobias around things that I don’t deal with when I should. So I leave them even longer, until I just get overwhelmed with everything, to the point that I can’t even do the simplest task. Well that’s how I was feeling this morning. Only able to put one foot in front of the other, get food for myself, do a bit of shopping, take the dog out and feed it. Everything else was feeling too much to deal with. Except, I hadn’t realised how much of everything was too much to deal with until this evening. Then something happened to jolt me into the realisation that if I didn’t get my act together pretty sharpish, then things are going to go tits up in a big way for me. After this jolt, I was able to clean the kitchen and tidy and hoover the living room in about half an hour (although still some to do) and this had seemed an insurmountable task! Hmmm!! So what is going on here?

On reflection I think there are a few things going on. Part of it is childhood programming and ancestral stuff. And part of it is breaking out of mind control via programming and implants too. And part of it is feeling let down by people who were important to me.

Procrastination, putting things off until I get stressed and until the task seems much bigger than it actually is, has always been a trait of mine. I have always ‘worked better  under pressure’. So what does ‘working better under pressure’ actually mean? Interesting question. To me it means that I leave myself just enough time to complete the task in the deadline that has been set. This often involves rushing the task, which inevitably means that you do not put your best effort in, because there is not enough time. And this is always then a good excuse, is it not, if you do not perform to the desired standard, as if you had given  yourself more time, you could have performed the task better. But usually I do perform to the desired standard so then there is even less incentive to not leave things to the last minute.  There is also a little bit of thrill seeking from this type of behaviour, as there is a certain level of excitement in trying to get something finished in a short deadline. And usually I have it timed to the minute. It’s also a habit. And habits are hard to break. Lately though, over the last few months, there has been something more sinister going on. Something which is making me behave in ways that I wouldn’t normally behave. Whatever it is has been exaggerating all of the usual feelings that I would get when procrastinating and this has led to phobia type feelings and then avoidance of the task or issue completely, which could have quite serious repercussions. It’s like I am sitting with my fingers in my ears going lalalalala, at the top of my voice in order to avoid it. I guess, what I realised this evening was, that I had given up, and that scared the shit out of me more than the actual tasks that I have been avoiding. Sometimes I can’t see the point in doing some of these tasks, when I am the only one who will see or benefit. Can’t be bothered doing that just for me. It won’t matter if I leave that a bit longer, as there is only me that will see it. Then I end up leaving stuff until they become a problem. If I lived with someone else or there was a significant other in my life, I am sure this wouldn’t have got to this stage. But that shouldn’t be the reason for doing stuff anyway.

I have been let down by so many people over the last year and this has affected me more than I realised. Particularly as I trusted the most recent two people and trust is extremely difficult for me due to past conditioning. This has made me turn into a bit of a recluse for a while. And I am happy with my own company but the self love is something that I am still working on. So hence the not taking care of my environment and everyday tasks.  But I am starting to meet new people now, which is really good and these are more genuine connections, with no hidden agenda or inauthenticity. So there are definitely positive changes taking place.

Plus there was the alien implants. I won’t go into too much detail about that here but I have had numerous alien implants and technology removed, plus attachments and I am pretty sure that these implants have had something to do with mind control and exaggerating my phobias, and my behaviour too. Plus I have recently found out that parts of my childhood are not how I remember them and that horrendous stuff has happened to me and been part of and then had false memories inserted and the real memories wiped. This is a complete mind fuck, as trying to get your head around the fact that your childhood is different to how you remember it is extremely challenging. I will write about all of this another time but I did need to mention it as it is a big part of all of this and my behaviour. And I am also on a homeopathic detox, to detox vaccines and roaccutane. So this will help to unlock, open up and release stuff from cells, also. So I am clearing, releasing and healing on many levels simultaneously at the moment. I have also been shown how to protect my energy, shield myself and command my personal space. And learning how to do this is essential as we move through these chaotic times as there are so many vampires and parasites out there waiting to feed from us and suck us dry. This has made a huge difference to my overall energy levels and to how I look.  And so, I received the wake up call this evening. And this has shown me that I am not ready to give up yet and I will never give in.


The completion of 7 days in the desert.

Sunday was the final day of my 7 days in the desert. I could have stuck to it better than I did but I did feel that I got a lot out of the week anyway.

Day 6 was connecting the heart to the third eye and I got a headache after doing the breathing exercises and power words, right in the middle of my head. I also had the same headache plus feeling ungrounded yesterday as if there was some energetic shifting taking place.  I didn’t write this right after I finished as I felt I needed to integrate and assimilate first. What is interesting is that there seem to be some significant shifts happening. Firstly, I have come across a course to help me put together my website better and increase it’s search engine rankings. So this website is up for a revamp so watch this space. Secondly, I think that as my energy has shifted, so have the people around me and I now feel that my friendships are becoming more honest. It seems that people who I was having issues with previously, things are now ok and more relaxed and the one’s where things seemed ok, the cracks are showing where the friendship wasn’t authentic. And I knew this anyway, as I had seen signs. And, as always I have looked at my own behaviour. But ultimately, I can’t have people in my life who insist on projecting their unconscious judgments onto me that aren’t true. I can’t participate in that any more. And thirdly, I have decided that this fast would be a good thing to do as a retreat, so I am going to organise a 3 day retreat to start with and it will be based upon the principles outlined in The Law of Light: The secret teachings of Jesus.

I have been back on facebook but it’s not going to be at the level it was previously. And I have just been inspired by a documentary that I watched on youtube entitled Weight loss Documentary transformation Elle Ip. Which is an amazing documentary about a woman who transformed her body after just giving birth, to competition level for sports modelling. Very inspiring, showing that if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything you want in life. On that note……………..

Day 5 in the desert


Today is about connecting to the throat chakra and speaking your truth. Saying yes when you mean it and no when you mean it. The power mantra is I am truth – Inana Shrara. I was surprised at the emotions that came up when practicing this breathing technique. Breathing in through the heart while repeating Inana and out through the throat while repeating shrara. I felt grief and sadness and suddenly wanted to vomit and wretch, which is an indication that something is clearing. The emotions came on suddenly and lasted seconds but they were deep. Thoughts then came to me, reminding me of the fact that I am 50yrs old this year and so I am starting to age and I started to ask myself what have I achieved with my life and have I achieved what I want to. The answer was a resounding no and then I felt immense grief for wasting so much of my life and the gifts that have been given to me and so I have made a vow to myself to make the most of the life that I have left and share my gifts with the world. Time is ticking along and I don’t want to leave this world with only having existed. I want to make a difference. I want to live my mission. I want to live MY truth and no one else’s.  I want to have rich, deep, meaningful relationships. I want to find my life partner and experience the deepest love in physical form. I want to develop as a person on all levels to the best that I can possibly be in this physical body. So in that case I have to rid myself of the last remnants of lack of self love and go for it. I deserve to be happy and have a life filled with love now. I am love. Inana Rakhma. I have lot’s to offer this world, as has everyone and it is time to stop telling myself anything less and selling myself short.  I have always felt that I haven’t got anything new to share within the spiritual movement/community but over the last few weeks, I am realising more and more that I have lot’s of insights and personal points of view of how I see the world and how it works that might be valuable to others to help them on their journey also. And even if my views are not totally new, I might put the information forward in a way that reaches people that haven’t seen or resonated with this stuff before. We all help each other. We are all walking each other home. I had thought that there couldn’t possibly be anything new to share and who am I to think that I have anything new that is of value to offer but then I thought to myself that I was buying into the old paradigm by thinking that others know more than I do. We all have pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and by sharing my piece then others might share theirs too. We all activate each other and turn on the dormant DNA that spirals us to an ever increasing understanding of ourselves and our own true power. The secret is quite simple LOVE!!

Full moon in the desert

I know that I said that I wasn’t going to post any more blogs this week until the end but so much is coming to the surface to be healed and I am gaining so many insights and wisdom that it would be rude not to share.

Today is day 2 of my 7 days in the desert and it is also a full moon and it feels like I have already done a week. This morning when I got up, I started contemplating my own behaviour and why I always feel the need to reach out to people who are down, alone, helpless. Or not so much why I reach out, as I reach out because I know what it is like to feel alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. But there is more to it than that, as I then start to worry that they will leave me, that when they feel better, they will move on and leave me behind. And it is this I am questioning and then I have to question my motives for reaching out in the first place. Not because I am not being genuine when I reach out but more asking where am I coming from inside when I do this. I was given the answer almost immediately. Basically, when I reach out to others, I am also reaching out to my inner child, the little girl inside me that never got the love that she deserved. The little girl inside me who felt so all alone, for all of her childhood and nobody ever paid her any attention. The one that never wants anyone else to feel like that. Although I was sort of aware of this, this revelation came at me in a way that it never had before. And the fact that I cannot fulfil my own needs through other people. I need to give myself the same understanding and unconditional love that I give other people.

And this ties nicely into the next bit because connected to that is that because I am very empathic and don’t want others to feel alone when they are hurting, I sort of have this expectation that others will do the same for me, and they never do, obviously, because of my expectation or need. It is not a conscious expectation. Rather it arrives as a feeling of being let down, or rejection when others aren’t there for me. And the more that I allow myself to care about someone, the greater this expectation of being let down is.  Truth is, thinking about it, I maybe even unconsciously create these situations, just so that I can confirm to myself how unlovable I am. And I have never ever thought of myself as needy before. But these last few weeks I have been behaving like that. Thinking about it, I am not sure whether it is that I have never been needy or whether I thought that I was so undeserving of any kind of love that I almost told myself that it didn’t matter and was part of the process so I didn’t allow myself to get too attached to people. I think that is what has been different over the last few weeks. I have allowed myself to get attached, but this has brought to the surface all of those hidden insecurities. And I don’t think that it is a major thing, because as I am contemplating and reflecting on it and these feelings come to the surface, and I am gaining insights and wisdom into it all, I am sure that I am healing. Plus anything which is brought out into the open can no longer have power over you. I am hoping anyway.

I haven’t been liking myself very much today as I have thought about some of the things that I have said and thought and the way that I have behaved. But then if these things had never happened,  the feelings wouldn’t be coming to the surface to be healed now. So I am in deepest gratitude to the people who have helped me through this process. I just seem to like to do things the hard way.

Yesterday I wrote about trust. I think that the biggest obstacle to trust is trusting yourself. Again it boils down to self love. If we can trust in ourselves to lead us where we need to go and to overcome any obstacles in our way, heal our own wounds, then this will be reflected in our outside world. We just all need to take a chill pill and enjoy the ride.

Day 1 of my 7 days in the desert

So my first day in the desert is almost completed and this is the only day that I will be posting this week. The rest I will be writing in my personal journal.

Because of work commitments, I haven’t really been able to stick to it as rigidly as set out in the book I am reading, The Law of Light: The secret teachings of Jesus, but that almost doesn’t matter. I am following my own intuition and guidance on the matter and already I am having some pretty profound results. The first thing that I did was to switch the wifi off last night and my quality of sleep was so much more improved and I woke up feeling rested and energised.

I have been easing myself into it gently, as I knew that any drastic change to my diet would cause me to feel unwell. Something which it would then make it difficult to carry out my daily work in a competent manner. I have been eating less over the past week anyway so I am not feeling as hungry and my body isn’t requiring as much food as normal anyway, and this is making the transition easier. I have more or less stuck to the diet. The only thing that I have had that wasn’t probably allowed were rice cakes and humus but I didn’t have many of these and this is only the beginning of the cleanse. And surprisingly, I don’t feel hungry at all and I have so much mental clarity and alertness already, and I feel calmer and lighter.

I have been able to carry out my normal daily work with so much more focus than normal because I haven’t had the temptation to check facebook on my phone every time I have a few spare minutes. Although I have drifted a couple of times into a parallel world lol! Actually, focus at work was becoming a bit of a problem, as it was getting to the stage where I couldn’t focus at all, except for when I was doing visits and this has meant I was getting quite behind with my work and causing me stress. Today seemed quite easy. When it got to 4.30pm though, I was losing focus and ready to switch off for the day. I think that possibly I need to start my day earlier so that I can finish earlier.

Initially,  when I finished work, I was tempted to do my usual routine of zoning out on facebook. I did have a quick peek but then switched off. Instead, I did something almost as bad as zoning out on facebook. I started watching videos on youtube about illuminati etc……………….not the best move at all. I was just trying to understand something though. The inversion of this world and the deception and twistedness of it all is unreal. It can make you paranoid and afraid. Who exactly can you trust any more? So I decided to switch off youtube and look at what I was meant to be focusing on today.

The first day of 7 days in the desert asks you to open a circle which you will spend the next few days in and then read the first line of the alternative Lords Prayer ‘Heavenly Source ALAHA/Thou who art everywhere’ and that is the focus of meditation today (or this evening). Then some breathing techniques while saying Aramaic words of I am unconditional love and I am safe. These techniques fill you with the light of unconditional love and provide protection. And at the same time you honour your forefathers and all those who have trodden ‘The Path’ before you. To forgive yourself and those who maybe need forgiveness. Also to set the intention behind your 7 days in the desert out loud. I did all of this and could feel the energies of unconditional love. After a little while of carrying out this breathing technique, I suddenly got a vision of when I was a small child and something my parents did to my brother. I was so angry with them and with the universe. How could they do this! And the tears flowed. And how could I have been born into such a family? I felt anger and shame. The tears flowed for only a short time and then they stopped and after a short time I realised that they were doing their best at that time and that was the only thing they knew what to do, with the knowledge and experience that they had. And I felt some healing of all of that. Not just for me, but for them also.

I then did some meditation, which was deep and I felt so much love for self and everything afterwards. And then did some healing, which ended in the oceans pouring through me and purifying me and I was also purifying them.

The wisdom that I have gained today is that whatever you look for in another person, you will find if you look deep enough. We are mirrors for each other. And the world responds according to how we perceive it and what we observe. A wave changes into a particle when it is observed but because we all see the world in a slightly different way due to our beliefs and expectations then that particle will respond to our beliefs in some way. Usually by illuminating what we are expecting to see. But just because the thing that we are expecting to see is illuminated and looks real, doesn’t mean that it is real. It is easy to make assumptions and judgments based upon what we see by filling in the gaps due to past experiences etc. But that might not be the case and someone might not be behaving in a certain way because of what you believe to be true or things may not be how they seem. How you judge another is how you judge yourself, and vice versa. When you have been traumatised or let down in the past it is a challenge to trust other people. You are constantly on high alert for reasons not to trust them. For that one sign. For those inconsistencies, trying to spot the time when they lie to you and them bam! You were right all along. How can you trust anyone!! They always let you down. The truth is. Or how I am beginning to see it is, that if you look for this then you will always find it because no one is perfect, and things are never as they seem, and so you will always have a self fulfilling prophecy because you are looking for it and they will sense you are looking for it and so they will begin to not trust you and then you have a double whammy! But you need discernment right, or others will just take advantage! Yes and no, I think is the answer to that. As within, so without. So, while ever there is this issue with not trusting others, you will attract people to you who have that tendency to either let others down, or to find it difficult to trust themselves. These people will be presented as an opportunity for both of you to heal. Because ultimately we are one.  When we no longer hold this in our energy field, we will no longer attract others with this tendency either, or if there is a commitment, both can be healed together by learning to trust each other and transcending the previous conditioning. It’s so easy to get lost in the mind stuff and the tricks that it plays on us. As long as we take ourselves back to our hearts then we will be ok.

Looking forward to day 2 in the desert!

Life without Facebook

Well today I finally made the decision. I have been contemplating it for a while but today I actually took the plunge, unplugged and deleted the apps from my phone. No more facebook or messenger for a few days. I actually felt a little nervous! WTF!! Do I really need it in my life this much? This is why I need to come off facebook, or fakebook as I have now started calling it. Thing is I could feel my energy getting sucked, and I’m quite a strong person. My energy is not that easy to mess with but I could feel it being sucked. Facebook had taken over my life. Time to take charge while I still can. More than that though,  I had started being triggered by stuff that was being posted. And I have spent most of my life deprogramming and overcoming stuff from my childhood in order to not be triggered and I had become pretty good at not being triggered in my real life but now this facebook thing had got into my head and I was questioning the motives of some of the posts I was seeing. But more weird and unnerving than that was that comments were being deleted or things being hidden, when they weren’t and this was actually causing conflict and suspicion for me with friends etc. Facebook is now AI (Artificial Intelligence). So I decided to unplug for a few days.

As soon as I deleted the app from my phone, I picked up a book that I was in the middle of reading called The Law of Light: The Secret Teachings of Jesus and the next page that I turned to was all about the famous 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert. It also suggested that this could be done for 3 or 7 days, and what actually happened was that Jesus went on a fast for 40 days in order to connect with his true self. The idea being that you are totally alone and unprotected and so you confront yourself with mental temptation and cleanse your body of impurities with a fast which involves drinking water and juices and eating avocado, dates and honey. The idea is that your senses are heightened and mental energy levels are also, which is conducive with visions and healing. This is an opportunity to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and re-establish the original, heavenly condition. It is this condition Jesus refers to when he says that we must be born again before we can enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 18:1-5).  This literally was the very next page that I turned after I had just deleted my apps. Ah, so this is what I was meant to do and the fact that the next 7 days lead up to Easter Sunday makes it seem even more pertinent. So this is what I need to do!

The idea is that you are meant to cut yourself off from everyone for 7 days. I can’t do that, as I need to go to work but I can do it over the weekend for 3 of the 7 days and I can do the healing and the meditation/prayers and connecting to nature in the evenings on the days when I am working. So it is feasible. Also, I will do the fasting diet it suggests, with a little tweaking but over the weekend, I will also do a parasite cleanse. The last time I did a parasite cleanse (only time actually), I felt amazing afterwards. Not at the actual time of the cleanse but I think that was because I hadn’t prepped enough, whereas this time I will have. It completely ridded my body of any nano technology. How do I know this? Because before the cleanse I would only have to think of a subject and it would appear on facebook (this was without typing anything into any searches) and afterwards this didn’t happen for a long time. I also felt so clear on all levels, mentally, emotionally, physically I had so much energy. So parasite cleanse it is then.

What will I do with my time if I am not on facebook and not seeing anyone? I will mainly spend it reading, meditating, healing, and writing (lot’s of writing)  and anything else which feels appropriate in order to facilitate this process.

So what does it mean to return to the original heavenly condition? I feel that it means our original Divine blueprint. This is massive and has the potential to be life changing.  And not just for me either. I will write in my blog each day to record my progress. Although I may not post these until the end of the cleanse.  I am not expecting it to be easy at all but I am expecting something amazing to happen. See you on the other side.


You’ve got to feel it to heal it

So I’ve not posted anything for a while. There’s been a lot going on but that isn’t really an excuse. It actually should be reason to write more as there has been so much going on that I can’t keep track any more. 2017 is definitely a different year to last year. And what it is  showing me, so far, and beyond all doubt, is that everything lies within. Now I have heard this phrase on numerous occasions, but not really felt it or knew what it really meant, but now I do. I used to think it was accessed through meditation but didn’t really understand how sitting there in a space of peace would help you to actualize your enlightened self, when there was chaos all around and you still had your own shit going on when not meditating. Except that it has been proven scientifically that by bringing your heart and mind into a state of coherence brings your whole body into balance and makes you more able to access positive emotions or bounce back when negative things happen to you, so makes you more resilient. Maybe this is what it meant but this didn’t feel like the whole story either. And plus by sitting in a state of peace, is this not escaping from reality a little bit? Just food for thought.

So thinking about how our world seems to function ie everything is topsy turvy and upside down, back to front. We live in a world which tries to suppress the outward expression of emotions, doesn’t teach children (or adults) how to express emotions in a positive and respectful way. In fact society teaches us that painful and negative emotions are wrong and that if you are feeling emotional pain, then there must be something wrong with  you because we should all be living in a positive state of happiness all of the time. Constantly busy, no time for emotions or feelings. Society is deliberately constructed like that. Then add the chaos and fear factor into it and hey presto you have a society where all emotions are triggered externally because of the information that humans are fed via the media and so this keeps people in a constant state of fear and disconnect from their internal feelings and emotions, which arise from what is happening inside that person, through human relationships. This can lead to all sorts of dysfunctional communication or lack of and if we are disconnected from our self, then we are also disconnected from others. So if we aren’t feeling fear, then we must be living the good life right? We are taught that to be successful and happy we must look a certain way, act a certain way, have a lot of money, have a good job, nice house, car etc so that is what people strive for and when they get them they then have to pretend to be happy. And yes I said pretend to be happy, because there are very few people that would be happy just with those things alone. And if someone is depressed then they are given pills to stop them from feeling sad. But these pills stop them from feeling at all!! So why don’t they want us to connect with our feelings? What is it about feeling pain that they don’t want us to discover? There must be some reason why they don’t want us to connect with our emotions and it certainly isn’t because they have our best interests at heart.

Basically it is because, if we feel pain and face it head on and allow those emotions to wash through  us and feel them fully, we are transformed. Pain is often the result of suppressed aspects of ourselves not being fully integrated and it resides as an unconscious memory in our cells. Often these memories are the result of trauma when we were a child. When an emotion is triggered by something which reminds us of that traumatic event, in an unconscious way it comes to the surface and we often project those feelings onto others. If we allow that feeling to come to the surface and feel it fully, we give ourselves the opportunity to remember the original trauma and integrate that memory into our conscious memory, which dissolves the trigger. This also gives us wisdom as we realise that we are not that emotion that we are feeling eg worthlessness, guilt etc and gives us an opp0rtunity to forgive others and ourselves. So it is healing. When we are able to transform and integrate all of the major wounds that occurred to us when we were young, and gain the wisdom from them so that we are no longer triggered by them and are able to gain a deeper understanding of ourself and know who we truly are and our purpose, then we stop looking externally for anything. We know that everything is within and it starts with self love and self awareness. The more aware we are of self, the more aware we are of everything and the deeper our connection is to everything and everyone. You can feel that connection. It is palpable. Unity consciousness has nothing to do with projecting our physical self or consciousness outside of our self to connect with others, it is about connecting totally and deeply with our self and dissolving all of our programmes, facing all of our darkness and accepting and integrating and when we deepen that connection to our self, we connect with others naturally. And we can only do this through our emotions. It is through feeling the deepest pain that we are able to feel the deepest love. It is absolutely true. And when we are able to let go of all attachment, then we are totally free. This is what self actualization is all about. But this letting go of attachment is not about flying away in consciousness to a far away dimension so that you don’t have to feel the pain. No, it is about feeling the worst possible pain imaginable, connected to attachment, until you reach a point where there are only 2 choices. You either live or end it all. I came to this point recently. Ireally didn’t want to be here any more. I asked myself what would happen if I ended it all. I would hurt my family and I didn’t think it was fair to hurt them. So that didn’t leave me with much of a choice. So by staying, what could I do to make it bearable and different to what it had been previously? I realised that the only way that I could find peace in being here would be to completely let go of any expectations of what others do. I realised that in having expectations on how others behave towards me, that I was limiting them somehow and I was also hurting myself and that I had to trust others and allow them to be who they need to be. That I am stronger than I actually give myself credit for and that I don’t need others to behave in any way towards me. I am fine. I can give myself all of what I was looking for in another person but if others want to give that then that is fine also. I realised that the right people would be in my life because of this new way of being and feeling about myself and I feel more empowered that I do not need others to feel validated.  This is totally freeing and when we integrate the dark and hidden parts of our self we allow more light in, more of our true soul essence and become more of who we truly are. This isn’t an easy process because it requires us to be totally honest with ourselves but it is the only way to self actualization in physical form. The only way to bring more light or soul essence into our physical body is to clear out the toxins and pollution that is blocking the light and most of this consists of painful emotions caused by unconscious trauma. You gotta feel it to heal it.