Full moon in the desert

I know that I said that I wasn’t going to post any more blogs this week until the end but so much is coming to the surface to be healed and I am gaining so many insights and wisdom that it would be rude not to share.

Today is day 2 of my 7 days in the desert and it is also a full moon and it feels like I have already done a week. This morning when I got up, I started contemplating my own behaviour and why I always feel the need to reach out to people who are down, alone, helpless. Or not so much why I reach out, as I reach out because I know what it is like to feel alone and I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. But there is more to it than that, as I then start to worry that they will leave me, that when they feel better, they will move on and leave me behind. And it is this I am questioning and then I have to question my motives for reaching out in the first place. Not because I am not being genuine when I reach out but more asking where am I coming from inside when I do this. I was given the answer almost immediately. Basically, when I reach out to others, I am also reaching out to my inner child, the little girl inside me that never got the love that she deserved. The little girl inside me who felt so all alone, for all of her childhood and nobody ever paid her any attention. The one that never wants anyone else to feel like that. Although I was sort of aware of this, this revelation came at me in a way that it never had before. And the fact that I cannot fulfil my own needs through other people. I need to give myself the same understanding and unconditional love that I give other people.

And this ties nicely into the next bit because connected to that is that because I am very empathic and don’t want others to feel alone when they are hurting, I sort of have this expectation that others will do the same for me, and they never do, obviously, because of my expectation or need. It is not a conscious expectation. Rather it arrives as a feeling of being let down, or rejection when others aren’t there for me. And the more that I allow myself to care about someone, the greater this expectation of being let down is.  Truth is, thinking about it, I maybe even unconsciously create these situations, just so that I can confirm to myself how unlovable I am. And I have never ever thought of myself as needy before. But these last few weeks I have been behaving like that. Thinking about it, I am not sure whether it is that I have never been needy or whether I thought that I was so undeserving of any kind of love that I almost told myself that it didn’t matter and was part of the process so I didn’t allow myself to get too attached to people. I think that is what has been different over the last few weeks. I have allowed myself to get attached, but this has brought to the surface all of those hidden insecurities. And I don’t think that it is a major thing, because as I am contemplating and reflecting on it and these feelings come to the surface, and I am gaining insights and wisdom into it all, I am sure that I am healing. Plus anything which is brought out into the open can no longer have power over you. I am hoping anyway.

I haven’t been liking myself very much today as I have thought about some of the things that I have said and thought and the way that I have behaved. But then if these things had never happened,  the feelings wouldn’t be coming to the surface to be healed now. So I am in deepest gratitude to the people who have helped me through this process. I just seem to like to do things the hard way.

Yesterday I wrote about trust. I think that the biggest obstacle to trust is trusting yourself. Again it boils down to self love. If we can trust in ourselves to lead us where we need to go and to overcome any obstacles in our way, heal our own wounds, then this will be reflected in our outside world. We just all need to take a chill pill and enjoy the ride.


Day 1 of my 7 days in the desert

So my first day in the desert is almost completed and this is the only day that I will be posting this week. The rest I will be writing in my personal journal.

Because of work commitments, I haven’t really been able to stick to it as rigidly as set out in the book I am reading, The Law of Light: The secret teachings of Jesus, but that almost doesn’t matter. I am following my own intuition and guidance on the matter and already I am having some pretty profound results. The first thing that I did was to switch the wifi off last night and my quality of sleep was so much more improved and I woke up feeling rested and energised.

I have been easing myself into it gently, as I knew that any drastic change to my diet would cause me to feel unwell. Something which it would then make it difficult to carry out my daily work in a competent manner. I have been eating less over the past week anyway so I am not feeling as hungry and my body isn’t requiring as much food as normal anyway, and this is making the transition easier. I have more or less stuck to the diet. The only thing that I have had that wasn’t probably allowed were rice cakes and humus but I didn’t have many of these and this is only the beginning of the cleanse. And surprisingly, I don’t feel hungry at all and I have so much mental clarity and alertness already, and I feel calmer and lighter.

I have been able to carry out my normal daily work with so much more focus than normal because I haven’t had the temptation to check facebook on my phone every time I have a few spare minutes. Although I have drifted a couple of times into a parallel world lol! Actually, focus at work was becoming a bit of a problem, as it was getting to the stage where I couldn’t focus at all, except for when I was doing visits and this has meant I was getting quite behind with my work and causing me stress. Today seemed quite easy. When it got to 4.30pm though, I was losing focus and ready to switch off for the day. I think that possibly I need to start my day earlier so that I can finish earlier.

Initially,  when I finished work, I was tempted to do my usual routine of zoning out on facebook. I did have a quick peek but then switched off. Instead, I did something almost as bad as zoning out on facebook. I started watching videos on youtube about illuminati etc……………….not the best move at all. I was just trying to understand something though. The inversion of this world and the deception and twistedness of it all is unreal. It can make you paranoid and afraid. Who exactly can you trust any more? So I decided to switch off youtube and look at what I was meant to be focusing on today.

The first day of 7 days in the desert asks you to open a circle which you will spend the next few days in and then read the first line of the alternative Lords Prayer ‘Heavenly Source ALAHA/Thou who art everywhere’ and that is the focus of meditation today (or this evening). Then some breathing techniques while saying Aramaic words of I am unconditional love and I am safe. These techniques fill you with the light of unconditional love and provide protection. And at the same time you honour your forefathers and all those who have trodden ‘The Path’ before you. To forgive yourself and those who maybe need forgiveness. Also to set the intention behind your 7 days in the desert out loud. I did all of this and could feel the energies of unconditional love. After a little while of carrying out this breathing technique, I suddenly got a vision of when I was a small child and something my parents did to my brother. I was so angry with them and with the universe. How could they do this! And the tears flowed. And how could I have been born into such a family? I felt anger and shame. The tears flowed for only a short time and then they stopped and after a short time I realised that they were doing their best at that time and that was the only thing they knew what to do, with the knowledge and experience that they had. And I felt some healing of all of that. Not just for me, but for them also.

I then did some meditation, which was deep and I felt so much love for self and everything afterwards. And then did some healing, which ended in the oceans pouring through me and purifying me and I was also purifying them.

The wisdom that I have gained today is that whatever you look for in another person, you will find if you look deep enough. We are mirrors for each other. And the world responds according to how we perceive it and what we observe. A wave changes into a particle when it is observed but because we all see the world in a slightly different way due to our beliefs and expectations then that particle will respond to our beliefs in some way. Usually by illuminating what we are expecting to see. But just because the thing that we are expecting to see is illuminated and looks real, doesn’t mean that it is real. It is easy to make assumptions and judgments based upon what we see by filling in the gaps due to past experiences etc. But that might not be the case and someone might not be behaving in a certain way because of what you believe to be true or things may not be how they seem. How you judge another is how you judge yourself, and vice versa. When you have been traumatised or let down in the past it is a challenge to trust other people. You are constantly on high alert for reasons not to trust them. For that one sign. For those inconsistencies, trying to spot the time when they lie to you and them bam! You were right all along. How can you trust anyone!! They always let you down. The truth is. Or how I am beginning to see it is, that if you look for this then you will always find it because no one is perfect, and things are never as they seem, and so you will always have a self fulfilling prophecy because you are looking for it and they will sense you are looking for it and so they will begin to not trust you and then you have a double whammy! But you need discernment right, or others will just take advantage! Yes and no, I think is the answer to that. As within, so without. So, while ever there is this issue with not trusting others, you will attract people to you who have that tendency to either let others down, or to find it difficult to trust themselves. These people will be presented as an opportunity for both of you to heal. Because ultimately we are one.  When we no longer hold this in our energy field, we will no longer attract others with this tendency either, or if there is a commitment, both can be healed together by learning to trust each other and transcending the previous conditioning. It’s so easy to get lost in the mind stuff and the tricks that it plays on us. As long as we take ourselves back to our hearts then we will be ok.

Looking forward to day 2 in the desert!

Life without Facebook

Well today I finally made the decision. I have been contemplating it for a while but today I actually took the plunge, unplugged and deleted the apps from my phone. No more facebook or messenger for a few days. I actually felt a little nervous! WTF!! Do I really need it in my life this much? This is why I need to come off facebook, or fakebook as I have now started calling it. Thing is I could feel my energy getting sucked, and I’m quite a strong person. My energy is not that easy to mess with but I could feel it being sucked. Facebook had taken over my life. Time to take charge while I still can. More than that though,  I had started being triggered by stuff that was being posted. And I have spent most of my life deprogramming and overcoming stuff from my childhood in order to not be triggered and I had become pretty good at not being triggered in my real life but now this facebook thing had got into my head and I was questioning the motives of some of the posts I was seeing. But more weird and unnerving than that was that comments were being deleted or things being hidden, when they weren’t and this was actually causing conflict and suspicion for me with friends etc. Facebook is now AI (Artificial Intelligence). So I decided to unplug for a few days.

As soon as I deleted the app from my phone, I picked up a book that I was in the middle of reading called The Law of Light: The Secret Teachings of Jesus and the next page that I turned to was all about the famous 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert. It also suggested that this could be done for 3 or 7 days, and what actually happened was that Jesus went on a fast for 40 days in order to connect with his true self. The idea being that you are totally alone and unprotected and so you confront yourself with mental temptation and cleanse your body of impurities with a fast which involves drinking water and juices and eating avocado, dates and honey. The idea is that your senses are heightened and mental energy levels are also, which is conducive with visions and healing. This is an opportunity to ‘wipe the slate clean’ and re-establish the original, heavenly condition. It is this condition Jesus refers to when he says that we must be born again before we can enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 18:1-5).  This literally was the very next page that I turned after I had just deleted my apps. Ah, so this is what I was meant to do and the fact that the next 7 days lead up to Easter Sunday makes it seem even more pertinent. So this is what I need to do!

The idea is that you are meant to cut yourself off from everyone for 7 days. I can’t do that, as I need to go to work but I can do it over the weekend for 3 of the 7 days and I can do the healing and the meditation/prayers and connecting to nature in the evenings on the days when I am working. So it is feasible. Also, I will do the fasting diet it suggests, with a little tweaking but over the weekend, I will also do a parasite cleanse. The last time I did a parasite cleanse (only time actually), I felt amazing afterwards. Not at the actual time of the cleanse but I think that was because I hadn’t prepped enough, whereas this time I will have. It completely ridded my body of any nano technology. How do I know this? Because before the cleanse I would only have to think of a subject and it would appear on facebook (this was without typing anything into any searches) and afterwards this didn’t happen for a long time. I also felt so clear on all levels, mentally, emotionally, physically I had so much energy. So parasite cleanse it is then.

What will I do with my time if I am not on facebook and not seeing anyone? I will mainly spend it reading, meditating, healing, and writing (lot’s of writing)  and anything else which feels appropriate in order to facilitate this process.

So what does it mean to return to the original heavenly condition? I feel that it means our original Divine blueprint. This is massive and has the potential to be life changing.  And not just for me either. I will write in my blog each day to record my progress. Although I may not post these until the end of the cleanse.  I am not expecting it to be easy at all but I am expecting something amazing to happen. See you on the other side.


You’ve got to feel it to heal it

So I’ve not posted anything for a while. There’s been a lot going on but that isn’t really an excuse. It actually should be reason to write more as there has been so much going on that I can’t keep track any more. 2017 is definitely a different year to last year. And what it is  showing me, so far, and beyond all doubt, is that everything lies within. Now I have heard this phrase on numerous occasions, but not really felt it or knew what it really meant, but now I do. I used to think it was accessed through meditation but didn’t really understand how sitting there in a space of peace would help you to actualize your enlightened self, when there was chaos all around and you still had your own shit going on when not meditating. Except that it has been proven scientifically that by bringing your heart and mind into a state of coherence brings your whole body into balance and makes you more able to access positive emotions or bounce back when negative things happen to you, so makes you more resilient. Maybe this is what it meant but this didn’t feel like the whole story either. And plus by sitting in a state of peace, is this not escaping from reality a little bit? Just food for thought.

So thinking about how our world seems to function ie everything is topsy turvy and upside down, back to front. We live in a world which tries to suppress the outward expression of emotions, doesn’t teach children (or adults) how to express emotions in a positive and respectful way. In fact society teaches us that painful and negative emotions are wrong and that if you are feeling emotional pain, then there must be something wrong with  you because we should all be living in a positive state of happiness all of the time. Constantly busy, no time for emotions or feelings. Society is deliberately constructed like that. Then add the chaos and fear factor into it and hey presto you have a society where all emotions are triggered externally because of the information that humans are fed via the media and so this keeps people in a constant state of fear and disconnect from their internal feelings and emotions, which arise from what is happening inside that person, through human relationships. This can lead to all sorts of dysfunctional communication or lack of and if we are disconnected from our self, then we are also disconnected from others. So if we aren’t feeling fear, then we must be living the good life right? We are taught that to be successful and happy we must look a certain way, act a certain way, have a lot of money, have a good job, nice house, car etc so that is what people strive for and when they get them they then have to pretend to be happy. And yes I said pretend to be happy, because there are very few people that would be happy just with those things alone. And if someone is depressed then they are given pills to stop them from feeling sad. But these pills stop them from feeling at all!! So why don’t they want us to connect with our feelings? What is it about feeling pain that they don’t want us to discover? There must be some reason why they don’t want us to connect with our emotions and it certainly isn’t because they have our best interests at heart.

Basically it is because, if we feel pain and face it head on and allow those emotions to wash through  us and feel them fully, we are transformed. Pain is often the result of suppressed aspects of ourselves not being fully integrated and it resides as an unconscious memory in our cells. Often these memories are the result of trauma when we were a child. When an emotion is triggered by something which reminds us of that traumatic event, in an unconscious way it comes to the surface and we often project those feelings onto others. If we allow that feeling to come to the surface and feel it fully, we give ourselves the opportunity to remember the original trauma and integrate that memory into our conscious memory, which dissolves the trigger. This also gives us wisdom as we realise that we are not that emotion that we are feeling eg worthlessness, guilt etc and gives us an opp0rtunity to forgive others and ourselves. So it is healing. When we are able to transform and integrate all of the major wounds that occurred to us when we were young, and gain the wisdom from them so that we are no longer triggered by them and are able to gain a deeper understanding of ourself and know who we truly are and our purpose, then we stop looking externally for anything. We know that everything is within and it starts with self love and self awareness. The more aware we are of self, the more aware we are of everything and the deeper our connection is to everything and everyone. You can feel that connection. It is palpable. Unity consciousness has nothing to do with projecting our physical self or consciousness outside of our self to connect with others, it is about connecting totally and deeply with our self and dissolving all of our programmes, facing all of our darkness and accepting and integrating and when we deepen that connection to our self, we connect with others naturally. And we can only do this through our emotions. It is through feeling the deepest pain that we are able to feel the deepest love. It is absolutely true. And when we are able to let go of all attachment, then we are totally free. This is what self actualization is all about. But this letting go of attachment is not about flying away in consciousness to a far away dimension so that you don’t have to feel the pain. No, it is about feeling the worst possible pain imaginable, connected to attachment, until you reach a point where there are only 2 choices. You either live or end it all. I came to this point recently. Ireally didn’t want to be here any more. I asked myself what would happen if I ended it all. I would hurt my family and I didn’t think it was fair to hurt them. So that didn’t leave me with much of a choice. So by staying, what could I do to make it bearable and different to what it had been previously? I realised that the only way that I could find peace in being here would be to completely let go of any expectations of what others do. I realised that in having expectations on how others behave towards me, that I was limiting them somehow and I was also hurting myself and that I had to trust others and allow them to be who they need to be. That I am stronger than I actually give myself credit for and that I don’t need others to behave in any way towards me. I am fine. I can give myself all of what I was looking for in another person but if others want to give that then that is fine also. I realised that the right people would be in my life because of this new way of being and feeling about myself and I feel more empowered that I do not need others to feel validated.  This is totally freeing and when we integrate the dark and hidden parts of our self we allow more light in, more of our true soul essence and become more of who we truly are. This isn’t an easy process because it requires us to be totally honest with ourselves but it is the only way to self actualization in physical form. The only way to bring more light or soul essence into our physical body is to clear out the toxins and pollution that is blocking the light and most of this consists of painful emotions caused by unconscious trauma. You gotta feel it to heal it.

Spirituality and the law of attraction

When I was a small child I used to love to read. As soon as I had learnt to read, I remember being so excited, that I would read absolutely anything and everything with words on, trying to make sense of the world around me. The part of the world, which up until that point, had only been available to adults. The books that I most enjoyed to read at age 5 and 6 years old were stories about elf’s and fairies or stories such as Aesops fables and Brere Rabbit. I just seemed to understand their deeper meaning and used to love connecting with that recognition and gnosis in order to relate it to my own life or the meaning of life. I didn’t know then that these stories held the wisdom, of which I carry and am grounding into the earth,  so I was recognising myself in these stories.

As I got older, and was expected to read more academic books, my interest in reading dwindled. I think that if I could have read more fantasy, philosophy, mystic books, even at that age, I would have continued to love reading. But academia and famous five didn’t really interest me. I found them boring. What I wanted to learn about was life, and what made humans tick. Also, I was finding that I just wasn’t fitting in to teenage culture. I just didn’t  understand it and didn’t know what was expected of me. I also seemed to have this innate knowing that at some level, we create our own reality. But I took this a step too far and ended up feeling responsible for everything that happened to me in my life. This meant that I felt responsible for my parents splitting up and my father leaving us, for not feeling that my parents loved me and the abuse that I suffered, for my brother having Down’s syndrome. I literally did feel responsible for creating everything in my life, and because I was so deeply unhappy, I felt that I must have been such a bad person to have deserved all of what I had created.  I actually think that most children feel like this to a degree. I think at 7 years old it is a known fact, that children think that they create their reality, and it is dismissed as an immature phase of development, which children grow out of. But what if children have got it right. What if children are tapping into their own innate wisdom of what they are capable of and when they are aware of this they should be shown how to use this power to bring harmony to their lives and the lives of others. But if their care givers have never been taught how to harness their own creative powers, how can they be expected to teach their children these skills. So I moved through 3 key phases, as  a child. The first one thinking that everything was magical, the second phase being that I was responsible for creating the magic but the magic was full of abuse, heartache, sadness and lacking in love and the third phase was a consolidation of the fact that I was not lovable and burying the idea that I created it all but feeling more and more disempowered and alone in the world and not understanding how it worked,  if I had no control over how it was created. My childhood experiences completely messed me up for the next 20 or so years, to the point where I really struggled holding a conversation with another adult, at times, when I was in my late teens/early twenties because I had been bullied into not speaking by my mum and was afraid of what people would think of me. I started on a long hard slog to find out who I truly was and overcome this programming that had happened to me and I tried every self help book on the go but I was unable to apply any of them really, even though I understood what they were meaning.  The application was always difficult for me. I overcame much of these programmes regarding communication, through my nursing career, where obviously there is a requirement of being able to communicate with a wide variety of people and I have learnt so much in this regards and also about myself too in the process.  And I am grateful. There was still something missing from my life though.

Fast forward 20 years to my mid thirties and I am introduced to modern day spirituality via Reiki, which then made me curious about energy medicine and how it works and I would read books and watch videos (because we had the internet by this time) by people such as Gregg Braden and Bruce Lipton and I became like a child again. Like a sponge, soaking up all of this new found knowledge and a lot of it made absolutely complete sense. Parts of it, though, did feel a bit like some sort of club where everyone wears the same clothes, eats the same food etc and I didn’t really want to belong to a club so I sort of skirted around the peripheries of it all a little, but most of the time was spent gaining knowledge and I was particularly interested in relating energy medicine to science. Because I had always been a bit of a sceptic, I needed some proof and some concrete evidence as to how it all worked and I was finding it and it was blowing my mind. Why had I not come across this information sooner. Also, around this time there was the release of a movie and a book entitled ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Burn. It was huge at the time and was all about The Law of Attraction and how we create our own reality and the concept did make sense to me when I considered my new found knowledge about energy and quantum physics. Everyone was jumping on the band wagon and creating vision boards etc in order to create their perfect life but to me there was something missing. The way that it was being portrayed and used seemed a bit materialistic and third dimensional. A bit out of balance and most of all, a bit forced. As with every part of our development, particularly when it come to spiritual gifts, I have always had this innate knowing that we should not develop spiritual gifts in a forced or unnatural situation. For me, spiritual and psychic gifts will develop naturally as we develop and grow spiritually, as a person. And I have had this innate knowing proved correct time and time again. The reason being, is that we can only ever develop these skills at the level of consciousness that we are at at that particular time and there is then the possibility of tuning into or becoming distracted by a whole false ideology or by 4th dimensional entities posing as something that they are not. In regards to the law of attraction, if we have not developed sufficient spiritual maturity and expansion to fully embody the principles of the LOA at the highest levels or the skills don’t develop alongside and at the same rate that we develop overall and energetically, then there is a tendency to cause a spiritual imbalance. So, for instance, if too many people are, through intention, creating lot’s of material things that they want but they aren’t focused in love and gratitude, then it can actually have the opposite effect, because the law of balance will create the opposite of this in order to bring it back into balance because it is being created in a duality level of consciousness. Whereas if the person who is manifesting, is creating from a unity consciousness or 5 dimensional frequency of consciousness, then that person will already be in balance and so all aspects of the person unite to manifest the creation so there will be no counter creation. So although, I liked the idea of the LOA and a lot of it made sense, I instinctively knew that there was more to it than this and that we shouldn’t force it.

So where does this bring us to now. Actually, this subject has been brought to my attention a few times recently. It seemed that when The Secret, was really popular, and it became really fashionable, there was a tendency, by some people within that community, to look down on others who were having a tough time, and say that the reason why these people were having a tough time was because their vibration wasn’t high enough. This trend became so common that people within the spiritual community became too afraid to admit if they were feeling a bit down or experiencing some sort of challenge in their life because others might think they were not vibrating ‘high’ enough or were ‘less’ spiritual than other people. So what was actually happening was, was that there was an expectation that if you were very spiritual, you would be constantly vibrating at a high level and that if you are vibrating at a high level, then nothing bad can happen to you and you can never have negative thoughts. Of course, this is a load of BS. As with everything, there is some truth in it but it is not the whole story. I believe that this is actually designed to do the opposite of what people think it is going to do. It creates a  hierarchy for one. I don’t believe that ANYONE constantly vibrates at the same level all of the time. I think that we are constantly shifting between vibrations. I also think that we can manifest at any vibration, in fact we all ARE manifesting constantly, it’s just that we aren’t conscious of it. But we can only manifest at the level of consciousness that we are at. I don’t think that only good thinks happen if you are at a high level of consciousness. I just think that whatever you do manifest will be brought into manifestation in perfect balance, rather than in duality. I think that sometimes we create situations that are necessary for our growth or that we are there to help others with. It doesn’t necessarily reflect our own personal vibration as being low. So going back to me as a 7 year old child. Would you tell me as a child, that I was experiencing that abuse, my parents splitting up and unhappiness  because I was at a low vibration? Of course you wouldn’t. So why do we think it’s ok to do that to adults, who have never been shown or guided in how to use these powers when at the age when we were receptive to it? Is it fair to tell a parent with a child who is terminally ill, that the reason why they are experiencing all of these heartbreakingly horrendous things in their life, is because of their vibration? I personally, don’t think that it has anything to do with vibration at all. I think you can be functioning at a very high level of consciousness and have this sort of experience, and in fact many do because it is maybe a contract that they have agreed to or something from a past life that needs revisiting. We are not blank canvases when we come into this reality, and we have things happen to us as children that we don’t have any control over, and there is also lot’s of technology out there that targets us and our thoughts and emotions, so to tell someone that the reason why they are experiencing seemingly negative things in their life is because it’s their fault and some sort of a lack on their part is quite naïve at the very least but can potentially be damaging. It can cause isolation and separation and can make a person feel less than or a failure. In my eyes this is not what spirituality is about. To me spirituality is about embodying love and acceptance and acting with integrity and respect, it is unconditional. Making someone feel less than you, is a form of spiritual snobbery and is not love based and is full of judgement. We can only know the world through our own eyes and senses, not through someone else’s. Everyone has their unique contribution to make and we all have periods in our lives where we might struggle, so we need to be helping and supporting one another, not looking down on them and judging them. This has been brought to my attention again recently, and I was surprised because I thought that this knowledge and attitude had moved away from the spiritual community and was moving more into mainstream. I just think that we don’t really have a right to judge another person, unless they are deliberately harming another. I also think that people might be more inclined to avoid situations and people that might be perceived to be of low vibration, because people don’t want to lower their own vibrations. Again this is spiritual snobbery and this sort of attitude might well lead to slowing the person’s growth down as they may avoid situations that could help them to grow spiritually.



Rabbits and Hearts

The world is a mess. Let’s face it. And it is deliberately designed like that to confuse us. The prize is our soul and the way that they are trying to take our soul is through breaking the human heart. We, as a human race, cannot allow this to happen. This isn’t Mickey Mouse stuff, it’s for real. There are non human races out there who are seeking to take total control over the human race and the only stumbling point that they have come across is the human heart. This is the final goal before they claim their prize.

The human heart is so much more than a physical organ for pumping blood around the body. Even on a physical level, medical professionals are now discovering that it has it’s own neurons and nervous system and it’s own hormones and the energy that it produces is up to 50 times more than that of the brain. They have discovered that when we are stressed our brain and emotions are not in coherence and so the rhythm of our heart becomes chaotic, whereas when we can create coherence in our body, then the heart’s rhythm is much smoother. We can bring our body and mind into coherence by recreating positive feelings such as gratitude. This shows how powerful our hearts are, even on a physical level as, by practicing this exercise for just 5 minutes a day, we can train our brain to become more resilient and more easily access positive emotions as new neural pathways are formed towards positive thinking and emotions. On an energetic level the heart chakra is the central chakra in the body and connects all the other chakra’s. It is connected to love of all types, including self but it is also multidimensional so when we have developed spiritually we have the opportunity to access different dimensional aspects and essences of love, until we are able to experience true unconditional love, with no personal attachment and to give with no desire to receive in return. The heart is also connected to wisdom and the Divine Feminine and when our higher heart is open and connected to our heart chakra we can bring through those energies. This is done through allowing ourselves to feel and to transmute, alchemize and transform, which then becomes wisdom. And as we are alchemizing and transforming with the heart and higher heart then it is all done with love. So even the most painful of situations hold the opportunity to transform into love, although that might take a hell of lot of strength, resolve, faith, and the unwillingness to give in to anything else but love. And, of course, time. It is through the heart and through feeling that we come to understand who we are, our environment, others, nature and a big part of how we communicate. This can be on a very deep level and is totally different to mind communication. It is an inner knowing or wisdom. It is a portal to other dimensions and realities. So there is no wonder that those who want to keep us enslaved, do not want us to access it’s true power and seek to take control of it as it connects us to the whole of the universe and beyond. So until they can control the heart then they can’t take total control of us. The only way that they can take control of the heart is to shatter it. To break it into pieces through trauma so that we close it and are unable to feel and gain wisdom and become numb and mind centred. Humans are much easier to control if their consciousness is solely in the mind as there is technology to control thoughts and we become more compliant. So hence why we are made to feel that being unhappy or depressed is a sign of weakness or mental illness and that we should be happy all the time and that everyone else is having a perfect life, which of course, there is no such thing.

The truth is that our true power lies in the knowing that we are strong enough to face any adversity and that within the deepest sadness lies the deepest wisdom. When we truly know that we are strong enough (which of course we all are), it is liberating because we know that nothing can kill us. We are strong enough to take on anything and when we realise this our hearts expand and deepen until we know that not only are we strong enough to face our own darkness but we can also hold others in their darkness in complete unconditional love and acceptance. You know at an intuitive level that you can fit the whole world in your heart and it still won’t break. But the irony is that sometimes you have to experience the heartbreak first.

So look after your heart. Don’t be afraid to feel and handle others hearts with care and attention. Our hearts are the future of the human race so we need to be as connected to them as possible and to look out for each other too. I cannot emphasise how important it is. The future of the human race depends on our ability to preserve the human heart. Now how about that.





Organic v Inorganic timelines

When I first embarked upon my journey and quest for spiritual knowledge and growth, I was very innocent and not knowledgeable at all, in the 3D sense about such matters, especially when it came to such topics such as seeing and sensing aura’s, energy fields, being able to sense what was wrong with someone etc and chakra’s, and knowing what to do with someone’s energy field in order to help them to heal. Other people seemed so much more knowledgeable than I did and on the one hand I would feel quite inadequate and in awe almost, but on the other hand it never felt right to develop these skills purposefully. I always felt it was wrong (at least for me) to attend development circles and I always had a really strong sense that any skills and gifts, be they healing or psychic, would develop and reveal themselves as you develop and evolve as a person and that this is how it should be. I didn’t realise at the time, just how important this is and the significance of it all. To me it seemed that psychic gifts were being used interchangeably and an indication of your spiritual awareness and development. But I have always been of a very firm belief that well developed psychic gifts, without wisdom and personal awareness/development can actually delay and inhibit spiritual development and too greater importance can be placed upon the psychic gifts. It seemed/seems to me that these gifts are merely tools to enable us to navigate our way through this reality more easily. They are not a measure of how spiritual we are. But as with everything in this reality, the truth was inverted and manipulated by the control system, via the new cage movement to actually hinder our spiritual development rather than enhance it. I was learning so much yet there also seemed to be a gimmicky/commercial side to it that made me feel a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I realised the full significance of this.

I became aware that there were different timelines operating, fairly recently. Probably just over a year ago. Why I had not come across this information before I am not sure but, as with everything, the knowledge, information comes to us at the time that is right for us to assimilate it in order to assist our personal spiritual growth. At the time, I had become a little disillusioned with the spiritual circuit for all of the above reasons. There was a lot of spiritual snobbery around and the only spiritual people I were meeting were at mind, body, spirit fairs and these tended to be the same people trying to make a living from their spiritual work. I had run a stall at one of theses events myself but this didn’t feel right for me  either. It was too commercial for me and didn’t feel real. I took a break from it all for a while but this wasn’t the answer either as I wasn’t fulfilling a fundamental part of me. I started watching spiritual videos again and kept coming across the subject of organic and inorganic timelines. This subject caught my attention so I knew it was significant but I wasn’t sure why. There was also a lot of fear porn around, about needing to get on the right timeline or your soul would be captured and used for food and that the artificial or inorganic timelines are traps for this purpose. I understood what they were getting at and I am not meaning that it isn’t true because it might be. I do believe that there is a spiritual war for the human soul but I think that the only purpose that fear porn serves is to put people off the subject altogether and have the opposite effect that was intended. Offering the problem without a solution only tends to disempower rather than empower people. So what was a solution. What was an organic timeline? What does it look like as opposed to an inorganic timeline? How do we know which timeline we are on? And if we are on the inorganic timeline, how do we get back to the organic one. Then one day someone said to me that if we try to develop our spiritual gifts ie psychic and healing abilities deliberately by using exercises to do this then this connects to ET technology, which allows them to manipulate and control us and essentially puts us on the inorganic timeline. Well that was a revelation and confirmed why, all these years I had resisted and felt uncomfortable with participating in these activities and also that these gifts do develop naturally, in conjunction with our own personal spiritual development and that our gifts are unique to us and we are not all the same, and they develop in conjunction with wisdom. It is only through developing self awareness and wisdom , which gives us the understanding of how to use these gifts for the benefit of humanity, whereas if we lack wisdom and self awareness we might use the gifts to enhance our own ego’s and service to self rather than service to others. Sometimes the differences can be very subtle but the danger is that if you lack personal and collective awareness and wisdom then you will be very easily manipulated into thinking that you are actually benefiting mankind and may be carrying out these actions completely unaware that you might be causing harm rather than good.

It is my understanding that as we evolve and our awareness deepens, then our psychic and healing gifts and abilities take on a deeper and more multidimensional aspect to them and they connect to the authentic, inner soul knowing inside each of us, rather than the mind trying to figure stuff out. We can only develop our gifts to the level of our awareness, so in some ways does it really matter if we try to develop our gifts purposefully, as they can only develop to the level of awareness that we are already at. But I think that if we develop these gifts before we are ready, they actually hinder us rather than help us and can stunt our growth as our ego becomes attached to the idea that we are spiritually advanced because of our psychic or healing gifts.

So the conclusion that I have come to is that in order to stay on the organic timeline it is important to listen to what our intuition and our bodies are telling us about what we are meant or not to be doing. Noticing how something makes us feel and allowing things to just develop naturally are the two most important things we can do to keep us on the right track. I have also come to believe, in my quest to know which teachers are standing in their own power and not being influenced by outside forces, is to look at whether they are speaking with love and compassion and if they aren’t then I don’t follow and if they are then I listen to what they say. Never to follow blindly but to always use your discernment. So in other words, your own internal guidance system will help you to stay on the organic timeline with the help of those who are speaking from a place of love and compassion. Stay true to yourselves.

Chaotic Times down the Rabbit Hole

I haven’t posted on here for a while. Life has been quite chaotic and beautiful all at the same time and I see this as a microcosm of the macrocosm. The landscape is ever changing and this can bring uncertainty and with uncertainty comes fear. It’s all part of the human condition. Humans like to feel safe and secure. We make ourselves feel safe and secure with external things, situations and people. In fact, that is  how we are programmed to be. To be dependant. Dependant upon money for material comforts, people to validate us, careers to give us status etc etc. This infiltrates into every layer of our existence until we have totally given our power away and we don’t know who we are any more. Eventually we start to believe the programmes that we are fed and  conditioned with and if these are challenged it can cause immense discomfort and pain because we have closed our minds and hearts to other possibilities, because we believe that we are what we are told we are. So if we aren’t that which we are told that we are, then who are we? Also, if the people around us, that are in positions of power and who are meant to have our best interests at heart, are not who they  have led us to believe they are, and that they don’t have our best interests at heart, then who can we trust and who are they and who are we. It doesn’t help that we are living in a society that only values the positive elements of living and life. So anyone who exhibits behaviour that doesn’t fit into this ideology is seen at best as eccentric or at worst discarded as not being able to contribute to society eg mentally ill or people with learning disabilities, the elderly etc and so we close our minds to the possibility that they might exist, quickly shuffling past the homeless guy in the street because he makes you feel uncomfortable, while looking for the next celebrity idol to model your wardrobe, makeup, perfume, image on (ok, maybe a bit of an exaggeration unless you are a teenager, but it is a sad reflection of the society we live in). We are taught to avoid pain at all costs. And I think that this is fundamentally what is wrong with our society. Pain is part of being human and if we think that it is wrong to feel pain, that we are a failure in some way or are ill, then we will suppress these feelings and they will be expressed in other ways, either through unconscious reactions which seem more emotionally charged than the situation warrants or through depression or psychotic illness. Or worse still, we will disconnect from our emotions and our own hearts. If we are unable to acknowledge our own pain and are not encouraged and shown how to express this safely and respectfully, then we won’t be able to acknowledge other people’s pain and so won’t be able to care for the vulnerable and the hurting. This is because it will make us feel uncomfortable and the reason it makes us feel uncomfortable is because we know, deep down, that we are ignoring an aspect of our own self, in our own heart. We are ignoring our own healing and self nurturing and are too busy living a life of values and standards set by someone else based upon what we have and status rather than who we are inside.

While everything stays the same and feeds these illusions that we have about life, then all is fine and dandy and we don’t question anything because we feel safe and we feel secure and if we can’t see the suffering of other people then we don’t have to think about it and so we don’t have to feel uncomfortable. At the moment though, there is a lot of uncertainty in the world. We are finding out that our governments do not have our best interests at heart, that financial stability is not guaranteed to anyone these days, even those in careers that were once thought of as providing this, and the very fabrics of our cultures and societies are being undermined, changed, and the norm of what was once acceptable no longer applies. Plus there is scandal upon scandal of paedophilia, abuse and misuse of power coming into the open of people who were once seen as role models and, even worse, that the people who are around them were actually aware of this and supported it. Nothing seems sacred any more and if we continue to look outside of ourselves for confirmation of who we are and what we are meant to be doing with our lives then we will either disconnect more and more from our hearts and become robotic zombies or the pain will be too much to bear and we will become mentally ill because we don’t know what to do with the pain, in a world that avoids pain at all costs. We are at a tipping point and there is another way. It is no longer possible to ignore what is happening in the world any more. So we can either become part of the problem or part of the solution. It is up to us but we must be brave and we must not be afraid to confront and feel pain. The answer lies within.

A year ago exactly, I went through this very process. As a child, I suffered from mental, emotional abuse and neglect. I have spent my whole life healing from this and I was shown at 16 yrs old that I had so much love in my heart. but had never felt love until that point. It took me many years of soul searching and rebuilding to heal but there was still something missing. I still didn’t feel fulfilled. I then found Reiki and the new age movement and felt that I was now starting to move in the right direction. But there was still something missing. I then became disillusioned when I discovered that some of the teachers that I had looked up to had the same human faults as all of everyone else. I had put them on such a pedestal though, that this came as a huge shock and I began to question all of these healing modalities as how can someone, who is still acting out unconscious programmes themselves, put themselves forward as a master of anything? I didn’t realise at the time, but I had given my power away to these people big time. To me they seemed to have so much knowledge and wisdom, yet they weren’t perfect and they were unable to see that they were programmed, which to me contradicted the image they were trying to project of themselves. Or was it that I was projecting an image on to them of how I thought that they should be behaving because I had given my power away and thought that they knew more about me than I did. Probably a bit of both to be honest. But I could see, throughout the whole of the new age movement that there was a reluctance to look at the darkness and that expressing anger or sadness was seen as somehow being ‘less’ spiritual, which I didn’t understand because how can anyone be less spiritual when we are all spiritual beings. I became disillusioned with the whole spiritual movement and stopped practicing and going to groups for a good year or two and didn’t really keep in touch that much with my spiritual friends on facebook, except for perhaps once a week. I preferred to instead, connect with ‘real’ people. But still there was something missing. So I started to connect again more and more on facebook and started reading articles and listening to videos of people who were talking about organic and inorganic timelines and this made sense to me and about how it was important to be authentic and this totally resonated with me. At last! This was what had been missing from previous  teachings that I had heard. But then I soon realised that when these people had a big following that they too started to exhibit the signs of being a guru and trying to control the people who followed them. This didn’t feel right. Also, I was starting to learn about an overriding consciousness that was trying to infiltrate and mimmick the organic consciousness and so I was totally confused and didn’t know who to trust or where to look for guidance. I didn’t even trust Reiki or Angelic Reiki any more. So who could I trust? The conclusion that I came to was that I could only trust MYSELF! This doesn’t mean that I have become a paranoid, hermit who doesn’t trust another human being. Actually, what it means is, that I have taken back my power of my own innate knowing and intuition, gnosis, discernment. And I believe that this is what is going on, on a larger scale on the planet at the moment. The microcosm of the macrocosm. And we can only take back our own power if we are willing to be authentically all that we are and this includes both our light and our dark. Being true to ourselves. So what does this mean and how do we do this? More to follow…………….

The Elephant in the room(part 2)

So my brother starts at his local, smaller base, with a one to one support and everything is fine to start with and then we started getting complaints from the staff that my brother was occasionally pushing or kicking the other service users. This kind of behaviour is very uncharacteristic of my brother and he has to be either severely provoked or frustrated to lash out. Indeed he never lashes out at home. And there was never an explanation of any circumstances as to why he had lashed out. It was always made to seem as if it was totally unprovoked, which I didn’t believe for an instant.

We had several meetings with the manager, his one to one support and a community nurse for people with learning disabilities who specialised in behavioural issues. Both his family and the community nurse discussed with the manager and his one to one some strategies of how to manage his behaviour, and things such as giving him a pictorial time table etc were agreed. The manager was then meant to go back to his staff and feed back what was discussed at the meeting to the rest of his staff so that they were also aware of how to manage his behaviour. Nothing seemed to change and they were now starting to report that my brother was starting to touch the other service users inappropriately. At the time, he had a really good social worker who suggested that we look round a private day centre. We agreed to have a look around and my brother really liked it and the owner seemed nice enough. But when we told social services that we wanted my brother to go there, they said that they wouldn’t fund it. Shortly after this the social worker who had been really helpful left and another social worker was appointed who wasn’t very helpful at all. In fact he was probably the worst social worker I have ever come across and could have destroyed my brother. So we had yet another meeting to discuss how to manage my brother’s behaviour and only a week later my mum had a phonecall to say that my brother had touched a female service user inappropriately and the member of staff that was there didn’t know what to do!! And remember he was meant to have a one to one support!! By this time we had had enough. So we requested again that my brother be moved to private day care. We were told that if we wanted this to happen that we would have to put in a formal complaint (These days it is common practice to use private day care but at that time it was not common practice). We said that we didn’t want to put a formal complaint in but if that was what we had to do to get him into private day care then we would reluctantly do that. As soon as the complaint went in, everything escalated. The complaints about my brother were getting more frequent and my brother seemed to be very unhappy and the muttering and loudness when he got home were more pronounced. Also, the things that they started accusing my brother of were getting more and more worrying. I dropped my brother off one morning and there was this very abrupt young girl who was in charge. My brother’s one to one introduced me to her as my brother’s sister and this girl didn’t even look me in the eye, she just said ‘oh hello P’s sister’ in a very sarcastic tone! The one to one looked embarrassed.

The final straw came when my brother was sent home one day for allegedly hitting another service user with his communication book, which was a thin exercise book. The social worker took my brother home and let it slip who the service user was that my brother had allegedly hit. It just so happens that my mum is friends with the mum of this service user, so my mum rang her friend to see how her daughter was and to apologize. This friend said that her daughter was fine and not to worry about it. The next day this friend rang back and told my mum that her daughter had said that my brother hadn’t hit her, and that he  had caught her nose when he was taking off her glasses. I was absolutely furious!! I knew there was something seriously wrong here and that my brother needed protecting from these people who were meant to be caring for him. I was scared for his wellbeing and because he couldn’t speak very well, he couldn’t stand up for himself or tell his side of the story and so he was extremely vulnerable against these so called professionals who were meant to have his best interests at heart. I knew that we needed to take some drastic steps so we decided to seek legal advice. I also rang the manager of social services, who had previously been a nurse (and a very good nurse too). I asked her why my brother had been sent home when it had been agreed at meetings that he wouldn’t be sent home and also because the incident wasn’t even that major as the person hadn’t been knocked to the floor and there were no marks on her. The response that I got was ‘Oh yes she has. P slapped her across the face and she has red marks on her face’. I then asked, well how come the person who it happened to says he was taking her glasses off and caught her nose and there is no mark there?’ The manager was stunned and said ‘The service user said this?’ So I told her YES! She then didn’t know what to say.

As soon as the solicitors were involved, the incidents escalated even more and a week later he was sent home for allegedly having an erection at the day centre and being aggressive, and he was suspended from going back. My brother was also terrified of getting on the bus to go there anyway by now so I was very concerned as to what was happening at this day care, and we also found out through the complaints process that day services for adults with learning disabilities are not monitored by CQC. This was a huge shock for me as I presumed that they would be and I don’t understand why they aren’t as they are some of the most vulnerable people in society.

We told my brother’s solicitor that he had been suspended and the solicitor told social services that they were under a legal obligation to provide day care for my brother. So then social services pulled the dementia card out of the bag again and referred him to the mental health unit again that assesses dementia. My brother went there every day for about 6 weeks to be assessed. While he was there they said that they felt that his behaviour had deteriorated greatly since last time. But the behaviour that they were describing we had never seen at home so it didn’t add up because if it was a deterioration in his brain then he wouldn’t behave differently in different places. He would behave the same everywhere, so to me the behaviour that they were seeing was learnt behaviour that he had developed at day care, probably because the staff weren’t supervising the service users and then the other service users were picking on my brother and he was lashing out and then getting into trouble. The whole of this time was extremely stressful as I feared for my brother’s future and his care. I had written reams of accounts that the solicitor could use for evidence. Every night, when I got home from work I would be typing away. Then the mental health unit wanted my brother to stay overnight for a few nights to which my mum refused to allow because his behaviour wouldn’t improve with him staying overnight. They wanted to try him on tranquilizers!! So instead, they sent the tranquilizer home for my mum to give him. Apparently they hadn’t used this tranquilizer before and they were really strong. Imagine if my mum had given it to him and he had had a reaction?!! I was apaulled but powerless to do anything at the time because of the way that my shifts fell at work. But then came the opportunity to air my concerns as I had a Monday off and they held a ward round every Monday, which was a multidisciplinary meeting. At the meeting were all the ward staff, the Consultant and the social worker. Everyone in the room gave their account of my brother’s behaviour and then they talked about the tranquilizer. I then said that I appreciated what everyone was saying but I didn’t understand why he didn’t behave like that at home. That we, his family had never seen him behave like that. The Consultant was the only person who listened and he said that if he was behaving differently in different places then to put the medication on hold. I also offered to spend a day at the unit with my brother for me to observe his behaviour and to see if his behaviour was any different while I was there. The social worker looked really annoyed with the decision to put the medication on hold.

So a week later I spent the day on the unit. I thought that my brother was misbehaving a little but the staff thought that my brother’s behaviour had improved 100% to what it had been like, which was interesting. I found the whole experience of being there and watching him and everyone else who was an inpatient there, very distressing. It was just not a natural environment at all and felt very institutionalised, even though the staff there were very nice. It was just a horrible experience. I just kept thinking of all the people with learning disabilities who didn’t have family to stick up for them. Who didn’t have a voice and were victim to this system. How many of them were unnecessarily being medicated and sedated because it was easier than managing that person’s behaviour. So scary and worrying. But anyway, I think the fact that my brother behaved differently while I was there, made the staff think so they took him out to a carol concert and he behaved impeccably.

So during this six week period my brother had been assessed by a large multi disciplinary team and a multi disciplinary meeting had been arranged in January. By this time, I had got to the stage where, I was making myself ill with worry. I just had to let go in the end and trust that whatever happened and whatever decision was made would be in my brother’s best interests.  Just before the meeting we got the report from the psychologist, who recommended that my brother go to a different day care. Wow that was a turn around, so let’s see what everyone else had to say. There were approximately 15 professionals in the room, including the social worker and his manager. During the meeting, everyone took it in turns to feedback from their assessment and say what they thought should happen and everyone in the room said that they thought that my brother should go to a different day care. The manager, however, kept say ‘but what can another day care offer that the Council day care can’t’. In the end I just turned to her and said ‘HE IS NOT GOING BACK THERE’. So she immediately back tracked and  started suggesting domicialliary care and then suggested another day care. We went to  look round that one but my brother didn’t like it and neither did we and then out of the blue my mum was contacted by the day care that we had originally said that we wanted my brother to go to. Social services had finally agreed that he could go there. To be continued………….

The elephant in the corner of the room (part 1)

So here I am and it now feels the right time to talk about my brother. My brother the funny, larger than life, caring, sensitive,  geniously talented actor and dancer who just happens to have Down’s syndrome and the journey through a system of day services that has repeatedly tried to label my brother as being out of control because the people who were caring for him were unable to manage and not able to/willing to understand his behaviour because they saw his disability rather than the person and they weren’t willing to learn how to communicate with the person beneath the disability. A system of professionals who always thought that they knew best and that time and time again my family have proved them wrong.

Adults with learning disabilities are among some of the most vulnerable people in society and unfortunately, the people whom are meant to be there to care for them and protect them are doing far from that. 

My brother was born with Down Syndrome, which means that he has a learning disability due to an extra chromosome. People with Down’s Syndrome can range from having a mild to a severe learning disability and they can have physical problems such as heart or gut problems. My brother has a moderate learning disability and has the understanding of perhaps a 3 year old but that is hard to assess because of his communication difficulties. I don’t say that he has a mental age of 3 years old because that isn’t accurate. He is 51 years old so has gained 51 years of experience so it is impossible for him to have the mental age of a 3 year old but he is only able to understand the world probably from the level of  a 3 year old who has been around for 51 years plus he has the body of an adult so it is sort of complicated. He is short in stature, typical facial features of someone with Down’s but physically he is well, despite being diagnosed with a heart murmur when he was a few days old. 

This blog is about his journey through the daycare system and how that has impacted upon his emotional health and his care needs and how it has affected us, his family, who are his voice. 

My brother attended a special school until he was 19 years of age and then he attended the only day care which was available in those days, an adult training centre for people with learning disabilities. He attended there for many years and there never any issues reported. He had his own pictorial timetable, which he could follow himself, and he knew where he was supposed to be and what he was doing at each moment of the day with minimal supervision. They did things such as life skills where they learnt how to do things such as make a cup of tea and a light meal, use a washing machine, wash up the dishes etc, they did creative things such as art and wood work and they had an arrangement with one or two local companies where they would pack things such as nails and screws etc and would get paid £5 a week. This was seen as slave labour by some people, which is was when you look at how much they were paid but instead of giving them more money they stopped the packing at the training centre and so they also stopped the incentive. My brother enjoyed the work and bringing home the bit of money that he did so it was actually dis empowering to him because it wasn’t replaced with anything which was just as or more meaningful or purposeful. People with disabilities need a purpose just the same as everyone else does and probably more so because of the discrimination that they face on a daily basis. It is often hard for people to see past the disability where someone has a learning disability but they all have the same feelings, hopes and desires as everyone else. You can forgive someone, perhaps, who has never met someone with a learning disability before for not seeing this but for the professionals who are working with them to not see this is unforgivable in my book but unfortunately it is all too common place.

Over the few years following this the council began cutting funding to the training centre and the activities that were available became less and less. It was also announced during this time that the powers that be had decided that training centres were not a good place for someone with a leaning disability to go to because they were too big and institutional like, so the government gave local authorities a deadline for closing the training centres and ‘integrating’ the clients that went to these training centres into the community. In theory this sounds a really good idea but the reality is that firstly people with learning disabilities find change extremely difficult as they need routine and continuity and secondly there was insufficient funding made available to enable the transition and ensure minimal disruption to the existing services.

In our local authority they decided to open up smaller bases throughout the city. Some of the clients that went to the training centre were able to get a small job or go to college, and this is what the government meant by integrating into the community, and this is a great idea. However, for a lot of the clients that went to the training centre they had either been going there for so long or their learning disability was too great for them to be able to do paid employment. So the small bases were for these clients. On the surface of it, it sounds like a really good idea as the groups are smaller and instead of doing all of their activities at the same place, they would access more activities in the community. Great if there are the activities to access. 

And then there was the transition period. Our local authority decided to open the bases separately, which meant that there were some staff working at the bases as they opened while there was still staff needed at the main training centre. And I am almost certain that they wouldn’t have any extra staff to help with this phase. It was during this time that my brother started to display some behavioural issues. He was muttering quite a lot, particularly when he got home from the training centre, he started taking linger to eat his meals and he was becoming involved in ‘incidents’ at the training centre where he was either the victim or instigator of mild violence, which was quite a shock to me as I had never ever witnessed him be violent. The whole transition period into the smaller bases took a year and during that year my brother went from a happy relaxed person who was maybe a little bored due to not having as many activities to not sleeping, constant muttering, becoming more stubborn and taking longer with eating plus some outbursts of violent behaviour where he had allegedly lashed out at other service users. It was obvious to me that he was stressed. The professionals, however, could not see the link with my brothers behaviour and the transition of day services. They didn’t look for any possible environmental causes for his behaviour first but assumed it must be internal and to do with his learning disability. People with Down’s Syndrome have an extra chromosome on the gene which is associated with Alzheimer’s, which means that they are at a much greater risk of developing the disease. So my brothers care takers told my mum that they thought that he had Alzheimer’s and were referring him for an assessment. They told my mum this news over the phone and with no explanation about the correlation between the two. So for his assessment a multidisciplinary team from the mental health unit for people with learning disabilities observed my brother and worked with him both on their unit as a day visitor and at the training centre. While they observed him at the training centre they saw other service users bullying my brother and there were some staff around but they didn’t seem to notice what was going on. What was interesting though was the fact that when my brother went to tell someone about what was happening, he didn’t go to the permanent staff at the training centre but he went to the member of staff that had come to observe him from the mental health unit. This rang alarm bells for me as it seemed that my brother realised that he wouldn’t get any help from the permanent staff so he didn’t bother to seek help from them. Also, my mum visited once and she witnessed a member of staff leading a group of clients down some stairs who were all hand in hand as if they couldn’t manage the stairs on their own. My mum said it looked a scene out of one of the orphanages in Romania. To me this said that they didn’t have enough staff left at the base to provide adequate care and would explain why the bullying had started and my brothers deterioration in behaviour, because there wasn’t adequate supervision, and all of this coincided with the transition stage into the smaller bases. This must have been a massive operation to coo ordinate and plan but it seemed like no extra staffing resources had been put into place and this was to my brothers detriment. But unlike you or I when we get stressed and the behaviour disappearing when the stress has disappeared, when someone has a learning disability that behaviour stays with them and becomes a habit so it can have devastating long term consequences and nobody seemed to realise this or, for that matter, care that much. He was just a learning disability, a problem that would more than likely become more of a problem and it was his problem. Not the bullying, the changes in staff as they worked in the bases, not the changes in routine, not the fact that the staff didn’t listen to him when he told them that he was being bullied, it was all his problem and was caused by his learning disability. Anyway, the assessment that he had showed that he didn’t have dementia. There was a meeting, however, and it was decided that his behaviour warrented increased support than he was currently getting so he was given a one to one support when he moved to the smaller base. So in theory things should have improved but they got much worse. To be continued…………