Spirituality and the law of attraction

When I was a small child I used to love to read. As soon as I had learnt to read, I remember being so excited, that I would read absolutely anything and everything with words on, trying to make sense of the world around me. The part of the world, which up until that point, had only been available to adults. The books that I most enjoyed to read at age 5 and 6 years old were stories about elf’s and fairies or stories such as Aesops fables and Brere Rabbit. I just seemed to understand their deeper meaning and used to love connecting with that recognition and gnosis in order to relate it to my own life or the meaning of life. I didn’t know then that these stories held the wisdom, of which I carry and am grounding into the earth,  so I was recognising myself in these stories.

As I got older, and was expected to read more academic books, my interest in reading dwindled. I think that if I could have read more fantasy, philosophy, mystic books, even at that age, I would have continued to love reading. But academia and famous five didn’t really interest me. I found them boring. What I wanted to learn about was life, and what made humans tick. Also, I was finding that I just wasn’t fitting in to teenage culture. I just didn’t  understand it and didn’t know what was expected of me. I also seemed to have this innate knowing that at some level, we create our own reality. But I took this a step too far and ended up feeling responsible for everything that happened to me in my life. This meant that I felt responsible for my parents splitting up and my father leaving us, for not feeling that my parents loved me and the abuse that I suffered, for my brother having Down’s syndrome. I literally did feel responsible for creating everything in my life, and because I was so deeply unhappy, I felt that I must have been such a bad person to have deserved all of what I had created.  I actually think that most children feel like this to a degree. I think at 7 years old it is a known fact, that children think that they create their reality, and it is dismissed as an immature phase of development, which children grow out of. But what if children have got it right. What if children are tapping into their own innate wisdom of what they are capable of and when they are aware of this they should be shown how to use this power to bring harmony to their lives and the lives of others. But if their care givers have never been taught how to harness their own creative powers, how can they be expected to teach their children these skills. So I moved through 3 key phases, as  a child. The first one thinking that everything was magical, the second phase being that I was responsible for creating the magic but the magic was full of abuse, heartache, sadness and lacking in love and the third phase was a consolidation of the fact that I was not lovable and burying the idea that I created it all but feeling more and more disempowered and alone in the world and not understanding how it worked,  if I had no control over how it was created. My childhood experiences completely messed me up for the next 20 or so years, to the point where I really struggled holding a conversation with another adult, at times, when I was in my late teens/early twenties because I had been bullied into not speaking by my mum and was afraid of what people would think of me. I started on a long hard slog to find out who I truly was and overcome this programming that had happened to me and I tried every self help book on the go but I was unable to apply any of them really, even though I understood what they were meaning.  The application was always difficult for me. I overcame much of these programmes regarding communication, through my nursing career, where obviously there is a requirement of being able to communicate with a wide variety of people and I have learnt so much in this regards and also about myself too in the process.  And I am grateful. There was still something missing from my life though.

Fast forward 20 years to my mid thirties and I am introduced to modern day spirituality via Reiki, which then made me curious about energy medicine and how it works and I would read books and watch videos (because we had the internet by this time) by people such as Gregg Braden and Bruce Lipton and I became like a child again. Like a sponge, soaking up all of this new found knowledge and a lot of it made absolutely complete sense. Parts of it, though, did feel a bit like some sort of club where everyone wears the same clothes, eats the same food etc and I didn’t really want to belong to a club so I sort of skirted around the peripheries of it all a little, but most of the time was spent gaining knowledge and I was particularly interested in relating energy medicine to science. Because I had always been a bit of a sceptic, I needed some proof and some concrete evidence as to how it all worked and I was finding it and it was blowing my mind. Why had I not come across this information sooner. Also, around this time there was the release of a movie and a book entitled ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Burn. It was huge at the time and was all about The Law of Attraction and how we create our own reality and the concept did make sense to me when I considered my new found knowledge about energy and quantum physics. Everyone was jumping on the band wagon and creating vision boards etc in order to create their perfect life but to me there was something missing. The way that it was being portrayed and used seemed a bit materialistic and third dimensional. A bit out of balance and most of all, a bit forced. As with every part of our development, particularly when it come to spiritual gifts, I have always had this innate knowing that we should not develop spiritual gifts in a forced or unnatural situation. For me, spiritual and psychic gifts will develop naturally as we develop and grow spiritually, as a person. And I have had this innate knowing proved correct time and time again. The reason being, is that we can only ever develop these skills at the level of consciousness that we are at at that particular time and there is then the possibility of tuning into or becoming distracted by a whole false ideology or by 4th dimensional entities posing as something that they are not. In regards to the law of attraction, if we have not developed sufficient spiritual maturity and expansion to fully embody the principles of the LOA at the highest levels or the skills don’t develop alongside and at the same rate that we develop overall and energetically, then there is a tendency to cause a spiritual imbalance. So, for instance, if too many people are, through intention, creating lot’s of material things that they want but they aren’t focused in love and gratitude, then it can actually have the opposite effect, because the law of balance will create the opposite of this in order to bring it back into balance because it is being created in a duality level of consciousness. Whereas if the person who is manifesting, is creating from a unity consciousness or 5 dimensional frequency of consciousness, then that person will already be in balance and so all aspects of the person unite to manifest the creation so there will be no counter creation. So although, I liked the idea of the LOA and a lot of it made sense, I instinctively knew that there was more to it than this and that we shouldn’t force it.

So where does this bring us to now. Actually, this subject has been brought to my attention a few times recently. It seemed that when The Secret, was really popular, and it became really fashionable, there was a tendency, by some people within that community, to look down on others who were having a tough time, and say that the reason why these people were having a tough time was because their vibration wasn’t high enough. This trend became so common that people within the spiritual community became too afraid to admit if they were feeling a bit down or experiencing some sort of challenge in their life because others might think they were not vibrating ‘high’ enough or were ‘less’ spiritual than other people. So what was actually happening was, was that there was an expectation that if you were very spiritual, you would be constantly vibrating at a high level and that if you are vibrating at a high level, then nothing bad can happen to you and you can never have negative thoughts. Of course, this is a load of BS. As with everything, there is some truth in it but it is not the whole story. I believe that this is actually designed to do the opposite of what people think it is going to do. It creates a  hierarchy for one. I don’t believe that ANYONE constantly vibrates at the same level all of the time. I think that we are constantly shifting between vibrations. I also think that we can manifest at any vibration, in fact we all ARE manifesting constantly, it’s just that we aren’t conscious of it. But we can only manifest at the level of consciousness that we are at. I don’t think that only good thinks happen if you are at a high level of consciousness. I just think that whatever you do manifest will be brought into manifestation in perfect balance, rather than in duality. I think that sometimes we create situations that are necessary for our growth or that we are there to help others with. It doesn’t necessarily reflect our own personal vibration as being low. So going back to me as a 7 year old child. Would you tell me as a child, that I was experiencing that abuse, my parents splitting up and unhappiness  because I was at a low vibration? Of course you wouldn’t. So why do we think it’s ok to do that to adults, who have never been shown or guided in how to use these powers when at the age when we were receptive to it? Is it fair to tell a parent with a child who is terminally ill, that the reason why they are experiencing all of these heartbreakingly horrendous things in their life, is because of their vibration? I personally, don’t think that it has anything to do with vibration at all. I think you can be functioning at a very high level of consciousness and have this sort of experience, and in fact many do because it is maybe a contract that they have agreed to or something from a past life that needs revisiting. We are not blank canvases when we come into this reality, and we have things happen to us as children that we don’t have any control over, and there is also lot’s of technology out there that targets us and our thoughts and emotions, so to tell someone that the reason why they are experiencing seemingly negative things in their life is because it’s their fault and some sort of a lack on their part is quite naïve at the very least but can potentially be damaging. It can cause isolation and separation and can make a person feel less than or a failure. In my eyes this is not what spirituality is about. To me spirituality is about embodying love and acceptance and acting with integrity and respect, it is unconditional. Making someone feel less than you, is a form of spiritual snobbery and is not love based and is full of judgement. We can only know the world through our own eyes and senses, not through someone else’s. Everyone has their unique contribution to make and we all have periods in our lives where we might struggle, so we need to be helping and supporting one another, not looking down on them and judging them. This has been brought to my attention again recently, and I was surprised because I thought that this knowledge and attitude had moved away from the spiritual community and was moving more into mainstream. I just think that we don’t really have a right to judge another person, unless they are deliberately harming another. I also think that people might be more inclined to avoid situations and people that might be perceived to be of low vibration, because people don’t want to lower their own vibrations. Again this is spiritual snobbery and this sort of attitude might well lead to slowing the person’s growth down as they may avoid situations that could help them to grow spiritually.

 

 

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Rabbits and Hearts

The world is a mess. Let’s face it. And it is deliberately designed like that to confuse us. The prize is our soul and the way that they are trying to take our soul is through breaking the human heart. We, as a human race, cannot allow this to happen. This isn’t Mickey Mouse stuff, it’s for real. There are non human races out there who are seeking to take total control over the human race and the only stumbling point that they have come across is the human heart. This is the final goal before they claim their prize.

The human heart is so much more than a physical organ for pumping blood around the body. Even on a physical level, medical professionals are now discovering that it has it’s own neurons and nervous system and it’s own hormones and the energy that it produces is up to 50 times more than that of the brain. They have discovered that when we are stressed our brain and emotions are not in coherence and so the rhythm of our heart becomes chaotic, whereas when we can create coherence in our body, then the heart’s rhythm is much smoother. We can bring our body and mind into coherence by recreating positive feelings such as gratitude. This shows how powerful our hearts are, even on a physical level as, by practicing this exercise for just 5 minutes a day, we can train our brain to become more resilient and more easily access positive emotions as new neural pathways are formed towards positive thinking and emotions. On an energetic level the heart chakra is the central chakra in the body and connects all the other chakra’s. It is connected to love of all types, including self but it is also multidimensional so when we have developed spiritually we have the opportunity to access different dimensional aspects and essences of love, until we are able to experience true unconditional love, with no personal attachment and to give with no desire to receive in return. The heart is also connected to wisdom and the Divine Feminine and when our higher heart is open and connected to our heart chakra we can bring through those energies. This is done through allowing ourselves to feel and to transmute, alchemize and transform, which then becomes wisdom. And as we are alchemizing and transforming with the heart and higher heart then it is all done with love. So even the most painful of situations hold the opportunity to transform into love, although that might take a hell of lot of strength, resolve, faith, and the unwillingness to give in to anything else but love. And, of course, time. It is through the heart and through feeling that we come to understand who we are, our environment, others, nature and a big part of how we communicate. This can be on a very deep level and is totally different to mind communication. It is an inner knowing or wisdom. It is a portal to other dimensions and realities. So there is no wonder that those who want to keep us enslaved, do not want us to access it’s true power and seek to take control of it as it connects us to the whole of the universe and beyond. So until they can control the heart then they can’t take total control of us. The only way that they can take control of the heart is to shatter it. To break it into pieces through trauma so that we close it and are unable to feel and gain wisdom and become numb and mind centred. Humans are much easier to control if their consciousness is solely in the mind as there is technology to control thoughts and we become more compliant. So hence why we are made to feel that being unhappy or depressed is a sign of weakness or mental illness and that we should be happy all the time and that everyone else is having a perfect life, which of course, there is no such thing.

The truth is that our true power lies in the knowing that we are strong enough to face any adversity and that within the deepest sadness lies the deepest wisdom. When we truly know that we are strong enough (which of course we all are), it is liberating because we know that nothing can kill us. We are strong enough to take on anything and when we realise this our hearts expand and deepen until we know that not only are we strong enough to face our own darkness but we can also hold others in their darkness in complete unconditional love and acceptance. You know at an intuitive level that you can fit the whole world in your heart and it still won’t break. But the irony is that sometimes you have to experience the heartbreak first.

So look after your heart. Don’t be afraid to feel and handle others hearts with care and attention. Our hearts are the future of the human race so we need to be as connected to them as possible and to look out for each other too. I cannot emphasise how important it is. The future of the human race depends on our ability to preserve the human heart. Now how about that.

 

https://www.heartmath.org/research/research-library/

 

 

Organic v Inorganic timelines

When I first embarked upon my journey and quest for spiritual knowledge and growth, I was very innocent and not knowledgeable at all, in the 3D sense about such matters, especially when it came to such topics such as seeing and sensing aura’s, energy fields, being able to sense what was wrong with someone etc and chakra’s, and knowing what to do with someone’s energy field in order to help them to heal. Other people seemed so much more knowledgeable than I did and on the one hand I would feel quite inadequate and in awe almost, but on the other hand it never felt right to develop these skills purposefully. I always felt it was wrong (at least for me) to attend development circles and I always had a really strong sense that any skills and gifts, be they healing or psychic, would develop and reveal themselves as you develop and evolve as a person and that this is how it should be. I didn’t realise at the time, just how important this is and the significance of it all. To me it seemed that psychic gifts were being used interchangeably and an indication of your spiritual awareness and development. But I have always been of a very firm belief that well developed psychic gifts, without wisdom and personal awareness/development can actually delay and inhibit spiritual development and too greater importance can be placed upon the psychic gifts. It seemed/seems to me that these gifts are merely tools to enable us to navigate our way through this reality more easily. They are not a measure of how spiritual we are. But as with everything in this reality, the truth was inverted and manipulated by the control system, via the new cage movement to actually hinder our spiritual development rather than enhance it. I was learning so much yet there also seemed to be a gimmicky/commercial side to it that made me feel a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I realised the full significance of this.

I became aware that there were different timelines operating, fairly recently. Probably just over a year ago. Why I had not come across this information before I am not sure but, as with everything, the knowledge, information comes to us at the time that is right for us to assimilate it in order to assist our personal spiritual growth. At the time, I had become a little disillusioned with the spiritual circuit for all of the above reasons. There was a lot of spiritual snobbery around and the only spiritual people I were meeting were at mind, body, spirit fairs and these tended to be the same people trying to make a living from their spiritual work. I had run a stall at one of theses events myself but this didn’t feel right for me  either. It was too commercial for me and didn’t feel real. I took a break from it all for a while but this wasn’t the answer either as I wasn’t fulfilling a fundamental part of me. I started watching spiritual videos again and kept coming across the subject of organic and inorganic timelines. This subject caught my attention so I knew it was significant but I wasn’t sure why. There was also a lot of fear porn around, about needing to get on the right timeline or your soul would be captured and used for food and that the artificial or inorganic timelines are traps for this purpose. I understood what they were getting at and I am not meaning that it isn’t true because it might be. I do believe that there is a spiritual war for the human soul but I think that the only purpose that fear porn serves is to put people off the subject altogether and have the opposite effect that was intended. Offering the problem without a solution only tends to disempower rather than empower people. So what was a solution. What was an organic timeline? What does it look like as opposed to an inorganic timeline? How do we know which timeline we are on? And if we are on the inorganic timeline, how do we get back to the organic one. Then one day someone said to me that if we try to develop our spiritual gifts ie psychic and healing abilities deliberately by using exercises to do this then this connects to ET technology, which allows them to manipulate and control us and essentially puts us on the inorganic timeline. Well that was a revelation and confirmed why, all these years I had resisted and felt uncomfortable with participating in these activities and also that these gifts do develop naturally, in conjunction with our own personal spiritual development and that our gifts are unique to us and we are not all the same, and they develop in conjunction with wisdom. It is only through developing self awareness and wisdom , which gives us the understanding of how to use these gifts for the benefit of humanity, whereas if we lack wisdom and self awareness we might use the gifts to enhance our own ego’s and service to self rather than service to others. Sometimes the differences can be very subtle but the danger is that if you lack personal and collective awareness and wisdom then you will be very easily manipulated into thinking that you are actually benefiting mankind and may be carrying out these actions completely unaware that you might be causing harm rather than good.

It is my understanding that as we evolve and our awareness deepens, then our psychic and healing gifts and abilities take on a deeper and more multidimensional aspect to them and they connect to the authentic, inner soul knowing inside each of us, rather than the mind trying to figure stuff out. We can only develop our gifts to the level of our awareness, so in some ways does it really matter if we try to develop our gifts purposefully, as they can only develop to the level of awareness that we are already at. But I think that if we develop these gifts before we are ready, they actually hinder us rather than help us and can stunt our growth as our ego becomes attached to the idea that we are spiritually advanced because of our psychic or healing gifts.

So the conclusion that I have come to is that in order to stay on the organic timeline it is important to listen to what our intuition and our bodies are telling us about what we are meant or not to be doing. Noticing how something makes us feel and allowing things to just develop naturally are the two most important things we can do to keep us on the right track. I have also come to believe, in my quest to know which teachers are standing in their own power and not being influenced by outside forces, is to look at whether they are speaking with love and compassion and if they aren’t then I don’t follow and if they are then I listen to what they say. Never to follow blindly but to always use your discernment. So in other words, your own internal guidance system will help you to stay on the organic timeline with the help of those who are speaking from a place of love and compassion. Stay true to yourselves.

Chaotic Times down the Rabbit Hole

I haven’t posted on here for a while. Life has been quite chaotic and beautiful all at the same time and I see this as a microcosm of the macrocosm. The landscape is ever changing and this can bring uncertainty and with uncertainty comes fear. It’s all part of the human condition. Humans like to feel safe and secure. We make ourselves feel safe and secure with external things, situations and people. In fact, that is  how we are programmed to be. To be dependant. Dependant upon money for material comforts, people to validate us, careers to give us status etc etc. This infiltrates into every layer of our existence until we have totally given our power away and we don’t know who we are any more. Eventually we start to believe the programmes that we are fed and  conditioned with and if these are challenged it can cause immense discomfort and pain because we have closed our minds and hearts to other possibilities, because we believe that we are what we are told we are. So if we aren’t that which we are told that we are, then who are we? Also, if the people around us, that are in positions of power and who are meant to have our best interests at heart, are not who they  have led us to believe they are, and that they don’t have our best interests at heart, then who can we trust and who are they and who are we. It doesn’t help that we are living in a society that only values the positive elements of living and life. So anyone who exhibits behaviour that doesn’t fit into this ideology is seen at best as eccentric or at worst discarded as not being able to contribute to society eg mentally ill or people with learning disabilities, the elderly etc and so we close our minds to the possibility that they might exist, quickly shuffling past the homeless guy in the street because he makes you feel uncomfortable, while looking for the next celebrity idol to model your wardrobe, makeup, perfume, image on (ok, maybe a bit of an exaggeration unless you are a teenager, but it is a sad reflection of the society we live in). We are taught to avoid pain at all costs. And I think that this is fundamentally what is wrong with our society. Pain is part of being human and if we think that it is wrong to feel pain, that we are a failure in some way or are ill, then we will suppress these feelings and they will be expressed in other ways, either through unconscious reactions which seem more emotionally charged than the situation warrants or through depression or psychotic illness. Or worse still, we will disconnect from our emotions and our own hearts. If we are unable to acknowledge our own pain and are not encouraged and shown how to express this safely and respectfully, then we won’t be able to acknowledge other people’s pain and so won’t be able to care for the vulnerable and the hurting. This is because it will make us feel uncomfortable and the reason it makes us feel uncomfortable is because we know, deep down, that we are ignoring an aspect of our own self, in our own heart. We are ignoring our own healing and self nurturing and are too busy living a life of values and standards set by someone else based upon what we have and status rather than who we are inside.

While everything stays the same and feeds these illusions that we have about life, then all is fine and dandy and we don’t question anything because we feel safe and we feel secure and if we can’t see the suffering of other people then we don’t have to think about it and so we don’t have to feel uncomfortable. At the moment though, there is a lot of uncertainty in the world. We are finding out that our governments do not have our best interests at heart, that financial stability is not guaranteed to anyone these days, even those in careers that were once thought of as providing this, and the very fabrics of our cultures and societies are being undermined, changed, and the norm of what was once acceptable no longer applies. Plus there is scandal upon scandal of paedophilia, abuse and misuse of power coming into the open of people who were once seen as role models and, even worse, that the people who are around them were actually aware of this and supported it. Nothing seems sacred any more and if we continue to look outside of ourselves for confirmation of who we are and what we are meant to be doing with our lives then we will either disconnect more and more from our hearts and become robotic zombies or the pain will be too much to bear and we will become mentally ill because we don’t know what to do with the pain, in a world that avoids pain at all costs. We are at a tipping point and there is another way. It is no longer possible to ignore what is happening in the world any more. So we can either become part of the problem or part of the solution. It is up to us but we must be brave and we must not be afraid to confront and feel pain. The answer lies within.

A year ago exactly, I went through this very process. As a child, I suffered from mental, emotional abuse and neglect. I have spent my whole life healing from this and I was shown at 16 yrs old that I had so much love in my heart. but had never felt love until that point. It took me many years of soul searching and rebuilding to heal but there was still something missing. I still didn’t feel fulfilled. I then found Reiki and the new age movement and felt that I was now starting to move in the right direction. But there was still something missing. I then became disillusioned when I discovered that some of the teachers that I had looked up to had the same human faults as all of everyone else. I had put them on such a pedestal though, that this came as a huge shock and I began to question all of these healing modalities as how can someone, who is still acting out unconscious programmes themselves, put themselves forward as a master of anything? I didn’t realise at the time, but I had given my power away to these people big time. To me they seemed to have so much knowledge and wisdom, yet they weren’t perfect and they were unable to see that they were programmed, which to me contradicted the image they were trying to project of themselves. Or was it that I was projecting an image on to them of how I thought that they should be behaving because I had given my power away and thought that they knew more about me than I did. Probably a bit of both to be honest. But I could see, throughout the whole of the new age movement that there was a reluctance to look at the darkness and that expressing anger or sadness was seen as somehow being ‘less’ spiritual, which I didn’t understand because how can anyone be less spiritual when we are all spiritual beings. I became disillusioned with the whole spiritual movement and stopped practicing and going to groups for a good year or two and didn’t really keep in touch that much with my spiritual friends on facebook, except for perhaps once a week. I preferred to instead, connect with ‘real’ people. But still there was something missing. So I started to connect again more and more on facebook and started reading articles and listening to videos of people who were talking about organic and inorganic timelines and this made sense to me and about how it was important to be authentic and this totally resonated with me. At last! This was what had been missing from previous  teachings that I had heard. But then I soon realised that when these people had a big following that they too started to exhibit the signs of being a guru and trying to control the people who followed them. This didn’t feel right. Also, I was starting to learn about an overriding consciousness that was trying to infiltrate and mimmick the organic consciousness and so I was totally confused and didn’t know who to trust or where to look for guidance. I didn’t even trust Reiki or Angelic Reiki any more. So who could I trust? The conclusion that I came to was that I could only trust MYSELF! This doesn’t mean that I have become a paranoid, hermit who doesn’t trust another human being. Actually, what it means is, that I have taken back my power of my own innate knowing and intuition, gnosis, discernment. And I believe that this is what is going on, on a larger scale on the planet at the moment. The microcosm of the macrocosm. And we can only take back our own power if we are willing to be authentically all that we are and this includes both our light and our dark. Being true to ourselves. So what does this mean and how do we do this? More to follow…………….

The Elephant in the room(part 2)

So my brother starts at his local, smaller base, with a one to one support and everything is fine to start with and then we started getting complaints from the staff that my brother was occasionally pushing or kicking the other service users. This kind of behaviour is very uncharacteristic of my brother and he has to be either severely provoked or frustrated to lash out. Indeed he never lashes out at home. And there was never an explanation of any circumstances as to why he had lashed out. It was always made to seem as if it was totally unprovoked, which I didn’t believe for an instant.

We had several meetings with the manager, his one to one support and a community nurse for people with learning disabilities who specialised in behavioural issues. Both his family and the community nurse discussed with the manager and his one to one some strategies of how to manage his behaviour, and things such as giving him a pictorial time table etc were agreed. The manager was then meant to go back to his staff and feed back what was discussed at the meeting to the rest of his staff so that they were also aware of how to manage his behaviour. Nothing seemed to change and they were now starting to report that my brother was starting to touch the other service users inappropriately. At the time, he had a really good social worker who suggested that we look round a private day centre. We agreed to have a look around and my brother really liked it and the owner seemed nice enough. But when we told social services that we wanted my brother to go there, they said that they wouldn’t fund it. Shortly after this the social worker who had been really helpful left and another social worker was appointed who wasn’t very helpful at all. In fact he was probably the worst social worker I have ever come across and could have destroyed my brother. So we had yet another meeting to discuss how to manage my brother’s behaviour and only a week later my mum had a phonecall to say that my brother had touched a female service user inappropriately and the member of staff that was there didn’t know what to do!! And remember he was meant to have a one to one support!! By this time we had had enough. So we requested again that my brother be moved to private day care. We were told that if we wanted this to happen that we would have to put in a formal complaint (These days it is common practice to use private day care but at that time it was not common practice). We said that we didn’t want to put a formal complaint in but if that was what we had to do to get him into private day care then we would reluctantly do that. As soon as the complaint went in, everything escalated. The complaints about my brother were getting more frequent and my brother seemed to be very unhappy and the muttering and loudness when he got home were more pronounced. Also, the things that they started accusing my brother of were getting more and more worrying. I dropped my brother off one morning and there was this very abrupt young girl who was in charge. My brother’s one to one introduced me to her as my brother’s sister and this girl didn’t even look me in the eye, she just said ‘oh hello P’s sister’ in a very sarcastic tone! The one to one looked embarrassed.

The final straw came when my brother was sent home one day for allegedly hitting another service user with his communication book, which was a thin exercise book. The social worker took my brother home and let it slip who the service user was that my brother had allegedly hit. It just so happens that my mum is friends with the mum of this service user, so my mum rang her friend to see how her daughter was and to apologize. This friend said that her daughter was fine and not to worry about it. The next day this friend rang back and told my mum that her daughter had said that my brother hadn’t hit her, and that he  had caught her nose when he was taking off her glasses. I was absolutely furious!! I knew there was something seriously wrong here and that my brother needed protecting from these people who were meant to be caring for him. I was scared for his wellbeing and because he couldn’t speak very well, he couldn’t stand up for himself or tell his side of the story and so he was extremely vulnerable against these so called professionals who were meant to have his best interests at heart. I knew that we needed to take some drastic steps so we decided to seek legal advice. I also rang the manager of social services, who had previously been a nurse (and a very good nurse too). I asked her why my brother had been sent home when it had been agreed at meetings that he wouldn’t be sent home and also because the incident wasn’t even that major as the person hadn’t been knocked to the floor and there were no marks on her. The response that I got was ‘Oh yes she has. P slapped her across the face and she has red marks on her face’. I then asked, well how come the person who it happened to says he was taking her glasses off and caught her nose and there is no mark there?’ The manager was stunned and said ‘The service user said this?’ So I told her YES! She then didn’t know what to say.

As soon as the solicitors were involved, the incidents escalated even more and a week later he was sent home for allegedly having an erection at the day centre and being aggressive, and he was suspended from going back. My brother was also terrified of getting on the bus to go there anyway by now so I was very concerned as to what was happening at this day care, and we also found out through the complaints process that day services for adults with learning disabilities are not monitored by CQC. This was a huge shock for me as I presumed that they would be and I don’t understand why they aren’t as they are some of the most vulnerable people in society.

We told my brother’s solicitor that he had been suspended and the solicitor told social services that they were under a legal obligation to provide day care for my brother. So then social services pulled the dementia card out of the bag again and referred him to the mental health unit again that assesses dementia. My brother went there every day for about 6 weeks to be assessed. While he was there they said that they felt that his behaviour had deteriorated greatly since last time. But the behaviour that they were describing we had never seen at home so it didn’t add up because if it was a deterioration in his brain then he wouldn’t behave differently in different places. He would behave the same everywhere, so to me the behaviour that they were seeing was learnt behaviour that he had developed at day care, probably because the staff weren’t supervising the service users and then the other service users were picking on my brother and he was lashing out and then getting into trouble. The whole of this time was extremely stressful as I feared for my brother’s future and his care. I had written reams of accounts that the solicitor could use for evidence. Every night, when I got home from work I would be typing away. Then the mental health unit wanted my brother to stay overnight for a few nights to which my mum refused to allow because his behaviour wouldn’t improve with him staying overnight. They wanted to try him on tranquilizers!! So instead, they sent the tranquilizer home for my mum to give him. Apparently they hadn’t used this tranquilizer before and they were really strong. Imagine if my mum had given it to him and he had had a reaction?!! I was apaulled but powerless to do anything at the time because of the way that my shifts fell at work. But then came the opportunity to air my concerns as I had a Monday off and they held a ward round every Monday, which was a multidisciplinary meeting. At the meeting were all the ward staff, the Consultant and the social worker. Everyone in the room gave their account of my brother’s behaviour and then they talked about the tranquilizer. I then said that I appreciated what everyone was saying but I didn’t understand why he didn’t behave like that at home. That we, his family had never seen him behave like that. The Consultant was the only person who listened and he said that if he was behaving differently in different places then to put the medication on hold. I also offered to spend a day at the unit with my brother for me to observe his behaviour and to see if his behaviour was any different while I was there. The social worker looked really annoyed with the decision to put the medication on hold.

So a week later I spent the day on the unit. I thought that my brother was misbehaving a little but the staff thought that my brother’s behaviour had improved 100% to what it had been like, which was interesting. I found the whole experience of being there and watching him and everyone else who was an inpatient there, very distressing. It was just not a natural environment at all and felt very institutionalised, even though the staff there were very nice. It was just a horrible experience. I just kept thinking of all the people with learning disabilities who didn’t have family to stick up for them. Who didn’t have a voice and were victim to this system. How many of them were unnecessarily being medicated and sedated because it was easier than managing that person’s behaviour. So scary and worrying. But anyway, I think the fact that my brother behaved differently while I was there, made the staff think so they took him out to a carol concert and he behaved impeccably.

So during this six week period my brother had been assessed by a large multi disciplinary team and a multi disciplinary meeting had been arranged in January. By this time, I had got to the stage where, I was making myself ill with worry. I just had to let go in the end and trust that whatever happened and whatever decision was made would be in my brother’s best interests.  Just before the meeting we got the report from the psychologist, who recommended that my brother go to a different day care. Wow that was a turn around, so let’s see what everyone else had to say. There were approximately 15 professionals in the room, including the social worker and his manager. During the meeting, everyone took it in turns to feedback from their assessment and say what they thought should happen and everyone in the room said that they thought that my brother should go to a different day care. The manager, however, kept say ‘but what can another day care offer that the Council day care can’t’. In the end I just turned to her and said ‘HE IS NOT GOING BACK THERE’. So she immediately back tracked and  started suggesting domicialliary care and then suggested another day care. We went to  look round that one but my brother didn’t like it and neither did we and then out of the blue my mum was contacted by the day care that we had originally said that we wanted my brother to go to. Social services had finally agreed that he could go there. To be continued………….

The elephant in the corner of the room (part 1)

So here I am and it now feels the right time to talk about my brother. My brother the funny, larger than life, caring, sensitive,  geniously talented actor and dancer who just happens to have Down’s syndrome and the journey through a system of day services that has repeatedly tried to label my brother as being out of control because the people who were caring for him were unable to manage and not able to/willing to understand his behaviour because they saw his disability rather than the person and they weren’t willing to learn how to communicate with the person beneath the disability. A system of professionals who always thought that they knew best and that time and time again my family have proved them wrong.

Adults with learning disabilities are among some of the most vulnerable people in society and unfortunately, the people whom are meant to be there to care for them and protect them are doing far from that. 

My brother was born with Down Syndrome, which means that he has a learning disability due to an extra chromosome. People with Down’s Syndrome can range from having a mild to a severe learning disability and they can have physical problems such as heart or gut problems. My brother has a moderate learning disability and has the understanding of perhaps a 3 year old but that is hard to assess because of his communication difficulties. I don’t say that he has a mental age of 3 years old because that isn’t accurate. He is 51 years old so has gained 51 years of experience so it is impossible for him to have the mental age of a 3 year old but he is only able to understand the world probably from the level of  a 3 year old who has been around for 51 years plus he has the body of an adult so it is sort of complicated. He is short in stature, typical facial features of someone with Down’s but physically he is well, despite being diagnosed with a heart murmur when he was a few days old. 

This blog is about his journey through the daycare system and how that has impacted upon his emotional health and his care needs and how it has affected us, his family, who are his voice. 

My brother attended a special school until he was 19 years of age and then he attended the only day care which was available in those days, an adult training centre for people with learning disabilities. He attended there for many years and there never any issues reported. He had his own pictorial timetable, which he could follow himself, and he knew where he was supposed to be and what he was doing at each moment of the day with minimal supervision. They did things such as life skills where they learnt how to do things such as make a cup of tea and a light meal, use a washing machine, wash up the dishes etc, they did creative things such as art and wood work and they had an arrangement with one or two local companies where they would pack things such as nails and screws etc and would get paid £5 a week. This was seen as slave labour by some people, which is was when you look at how much they were paid but instead of giving them more money they stopped the packing at the training centre and so they also stopped the incentive. My brother enjoyed the work and bringing home the bit of money that he did so it was actually dis empowering to him because it wasn’t replaced with anything which was just as or more meaningful or purposeful. People with disabilities need a purpose just the same as everyone else does and probably more so because of the discrimination that they face on a daily basis. It is often hard for people to see past the disability where someone has a learning disability but they all have the same feelings, hopes and desires as everyone else. You can forgive someone, perhaps, who has never met someone with a learning disability before for not seeing this but for the professionals who are working with them to not see this is unforgivable in my book but unfortunately it is all too common place.

Over the few years following this the council began cutting funding to the training centre and the activities that were available became less and less. It was also announced during this time that the powers that be had decided that training centres were not a good place for someone with a leaning disability to go to because they were too big and institutional like, so the government gave local authorities a deadline for closing the training centres and ‘integrating’ the clients that went to these training centres into the community. In theory this sounds a really good idea but the reality is that firstly people with learning disabilities find change extremely difficult as they need routine and continuity and secondly there was insufficient funding made available to enable the transition and ensure minimal disruption to the existing services.

In our local authority they decided to open up smaller bases throughout the city. Some of the clients that went to the training centre were able to get a small job or go to college, and this is what the government meant by integrating into the community, and this is a great idea. However, for a lot of the clients that went to the training centre they had either been going there for so long or their learning disability was too great for them to be able to do paid employment. So the small bases were for these clients. On the surface of it, it sounds like a really good idea as the groups are smaller and instead of doing all of their activities at the same place, they would access more activities in the community. Great if there are the activities to access. 

And then there was the transition period. Our local authority decided to open the bases separately, which meant that there were some staff working at the bases as they opened while there was still staff needed at the main training centre. And I am almost certain that they wouldn’t have any extra staff to help with this phase. It was during this time that my brother started to display some behavioural issues. He was muttering quite a lot, particularly when he got home from the training centre, he started taking linger to eat his meals and he was becoming involved in ‘incidents’ at the training centre where he was either the victim or instigator of mild violence, which was quite a shock to me as I had never ever witnessed him be violent. The whole transition period into the smaller bases took a year and during that year my brother went from a happy relaxed person who was maybe a little bored due to not having as many activities to not sleeping, constant muttering, becoming more stubborn and taking longer with eating plus some outbursts of violent behaviour where he had allegedly lashed out at other service users. It was obvious to me that he was stressed. The professionals, however, could not see the link with my brothers behaviour and the transition of day services. They didn’t look for any possible environmental causes for his behaviour first but assumed it must be internal and to do with his learning disability. People with Down’s Syndrome have an extra chromosome on the gene which is associated with Alzheimer’s, which means that they are at a much greater risk of developing the disease. So my brothers care takers told my mum that they thought that he had Alzheimer’s and were referring him for an assessment. They told my mum this news over the phone and with no explanation about the correlation between the two. So for his assessment a multidisciplinary team from the mental health unit for people with learning disabilities observed my brother and worked with him both on their unit as a day visitor and at the training centre. While they observed him at the training centre they saw other service users bullying my brother and there were some staff around but they didn’t seem to notice what was going on. What was interesting though was the fact that when my brother went to tell someone about what was happening, he didn’t go to the permanent staff at the training centre but he went to the member of staff that had come to observe him from the mental health unit. This rang alarm bells for me as it seemed that my brother realised that he wouldn’t get any help from the permanent staff so he didn’t bother to seek help from them. Also, my mum visited once and she witnessed a member of staff leading a group of clients down some stairs who were all hand in hand as if they couldn’t manage the stairs on their own. My mum said it looked a scene out of one of the orphanages in Romania. To me this said that they didn’t have enough staff left at the base to provide adequate care and would explain why the bullying had started and my brothers deterioration in behaviour, because there wasn’t adequate supervision, and all of this coincided with the transition stage into the smaller bases. This must have been a massive operation to coo ordinate and plan but it seemed like no extra staffing resources had been put into place and this was to my brothers detriment. But unlike you or I when we get stressed and the behaviour disappearing when the stress has disappeared, when someone has a learning disability that behaviour stays with them and becomes a habit so it can have devastating long term consequences and nobody seemed to realise this or, for that matter, care that much. He was just a learning disability, a problem that would more than likely become more of a problem and it was his problem. Not the bullying, the changes in staff as they worked in the bases, not the changes in routine, not the fact that the staff didn’t listen to him when he told them that he was being bullied, it was all his problem and was caused by his learning disability. Anyway, the assessment that he had showed that he didn’t have dementia. There was a meeting, however, and it was decided that his behaviour warrented increased support than he was currently getting so he was given a one to one support when he moved to the smaller base. So in theory things should have improved but they got much worse. To be continued…………

Sacred Space Rabbits

So what have I been up to recently? Too much to write about in  one blog post but it does seem fitting to write about the Solstice and the full moon energies and what has been happening with this for me. So I have decided to write about sacred sites and work that I have been doing.

Initially I didn’t think it was safe to write about these things but after recent encounters I have decided that I am not afraid and to share my experiences.

A few years ago I visited Stonehenge and while I was in meditation I received a very clear message that people should not be performing ceremony there because it had been tampered with and in my meditation I was in a glass elevator and the different realities that were on each floor were distorted in some way. I didn’t know how and I didn’t investigate it any further.

This year I have been feeling the pull to go again and also to go to Avebury, which is another, bigger sacred stone circle. The pull got stronger and stronger and I was initially thinking about going around the  time of the solstice but decided to go a couple of weeks earlier and camp down there for a few days which was awesome as I really felt myself merge with nature. Just before the trip I watched a video of Laura Eisenhower’s and in it she mentioned about there being alien technology underneath Stone Henge, called the Nephilim Reversal Grid which was preventing the merger of the masculine and feminine. I didn’t do any research of my own, though, before the trip. When we arrived we had to go in separately because of the dog. I went in first and decided that I would concentrate on balancing energies within myself as I was worried about influencing and trying to affect any of this alien technology, in case it had an adverse effect as I didn’t know much about it. I had decided to use an old meditation that was taught to me years ago, whereby I imagined the sun and the moon in my heart, which represented the masculine and the feminine. The sun and the moon then moved closer to each other until they merge.

When I carried out the meditation I was aware of a dark coloured energy with a redish tinge to it. I saw this clear and there was a sky blue energy that was trying to break through but the dark energy was resisting. Suddenly a translucent, irridiscent energy came pouring through and it was covering the earth in a sparkly hue of haze and all of nature. But the opening wasn’t permanent and seemed to close back over. The energy of Stone Henge reminds me very much of a watered down version of The Pyramids of Giza as it has that same masculine feel to it.

Then off to Avebury but first a stop off at West Kennit where there is a Neolithic burial mound and a sacred tree. On the way back, while chanting mantra’s of love and dancing around this tree which had ribbons attached to it as offerings, we were joined by 2 blue backed swallow’s, which flew round and around the tree with us and even after we had stopped. I had stopped for a while to connect with the tree and I felt it send me love through the ground and up through my feet and then the birds came. Such a magical experience and I truly felt one with nature.

Avebury has a very masculine energy and a road has been built right through the middle of it, which has obviously been done to deliberately diminish the feminine power but it is still a very powerful place and I felt so much love when meditating here. While I was at Avebury I bought a book called The 13 moons – conversation with the Goddess by Peter Knight. I had definitely felt the Goddess energy of Gaia so strongly while on this trip and wanted to maintain that connection as much as possible as it felt the right thing to connect with and I could feel the information and wisdom which it held for all to connect to. I felt really strongly that it was our true nature to merge with the natural world in order to receive insights and wisdom and learn about our true nature as we also, are part of the goddess and part of nature. I suddenly understood how important this was.

On my return I decided to look up Nephilim Reversal Grid on the internet and discovered that the headquarters are under Stone Henge and that it is an alien technology which is syphoning sexual energy from lot’s of other energy centres around the world and distorting it so that they can use it for their own purposes and that this is preventing the masculine and feminine energies merging and affecting sacred union, which is necessary for the evolution of consciousness and this planet. When I learnt about what the NRG was I had been initially worried about any comeback on myself for doing the meditation and trying to merge the masculine and feminine.  Even though this hadn’t deliberately been directed at the portal, it felt that some healing had taken place on some level there. So I was a little bit afraid but I have since changed my view about that. Hence writing about it now. I also started to read the book that I had bought in Avebury and the first chapter was about he author’s trip to Arbor Low and what he encountered there. As soon as it was mentioned, I knew that this was the next place that I needed to go and so I decided to visit here close to the Summer solstice……………….

I visited Arbor Low on Sunday the 19th June. It was surprisingly easy to find. There were some people there but hardly any compared to other more commercial stone circles and it was in the middle of a field on a farm with sheep and the connection that it had to the Goddess and Gaia was relatively unspoiled. There was the main circle of stones, which have all been laid down. This has apparently been done by early Christians in order to take away it’s power. There were also two large stones in the centre of the circle which, I presume, were the alter. I decided to meditate while sitting on one of the central stones. As I closed my eyes I saw and felt a pale magenta energy which was turning clockwise. This felt soothing and feminine. I concentrated on merging the masculine and feminine within myself. I saw the sun and the moon in my heart and then merged the two together, as I have done at other sacred sites. Immediately I felt something shift in myself, as I have felt previously. After the initial pale magenta colour I started to see a pale, sky blue colour clearing the magenta. I have seen this before at other sacred sites too. As soon as the sky blue colour came in I then saw the face of a grey alien. I was a bit shocked to start with and tried to switch my focus to a different part of my consciousness and the sky blue colour came in again and once again the alien grey face came in again, which felt soulless and very mind focused. This happened 3 or 4 times and then I realised that these experiences were being felt in my third eye so I decided to switch my focus to my heart. I sent my awareness to my heart with no intention except to connect with my heart. As soon as I did this I felt a woosh of energy come out of the ground and through my heart and body and I was  travelling down a tunnel of energy and orange/pink light. I just allowed this to happen until eventually the whole space became light and pure as if it had opened right up and there were no grey aliens as if they had dissolved. There was so much love and purity in this space and I felt at one with everything and everyone.

I am not totally sure what happened that day but I have had a big upgrade since then and I have also been heavily attacked. I feel as if I have suddenly realised my true power and all our true power, as this is something that we are all capable of. I know that they cannot destroy me while ever I am in this body. I did experience being attacked by lot’s of grey aliens the night after visiting Arbor Low and they were trying to stop me from getting back into my body, but they did not succeed obviously. What I have learnt is that the only power that these aliens have over us is through technology. They have no power of their own, whereas humans have lot’s of power but most of us haven’t realised it yet. In order to step into our true power, all we have to do is be in our core centre and then activate our heart energy. It really is that simple. They are angry that I know but they can’t do much about it. They also tried to affect my thoughts by making me think irrational thoughts and triggering emotions from things that haven’t been totally healed in the past and then totally magnifying it out of proportion. I sort of knew I was being targeted but it’s sort of hard to stop once you are in it but because I recognised it for what it was, they haven’t been able to do this since. So what next? I am prepared but I am also going to make sure that as many people know about this as possible 🙂

 

 

A small pause to contemplate authenticity

And so I haven’t written anything in my blog for a couple of weeks now. I thought that I would take a small pause, intake of breath, if you like, from my story to contemplate authenticity.

All of my life I have struggled to become my most authentic self. As a child I wasn’t allowed to be me unless it fitted in with the idea that my mother had of who I was meant to be. So much so that I forgot who I was. I had no identity, no self esteem, no self worth, no idea how to behave in social situations and no idea of who I was. So consequently I spent my whole childhood and a good part of my adult life trying to please others and learning exactly who I was. This was programming and brainwashing to the max, as I was also told that I was useless, just like my dad, selfish, etc etc on a regular basis until I believed it and I hated myself so much that at 11 years of age I wished that I’d never been born. Heavily programmed to be the most inauthentic person, as I disliked myself so much that I was convinced that nobody else could possibly like me or love me for who I am. After all my own mother thought that I was worthless. So I constantly tried to behave in a way that I thought I was meant to behave in. But I didn’t even know what that was, as I didn’t know what I had done  wrong to be treated the way that I had. How could I be wrong for being me? Deep deep down I knew this but I was so heavily programmed by my childhood that I wasn’t consciously aware of it. So instead I chose to withdraw from people as they were too cruel and unpredictable and I just had a few close friends but I always felt anxious in social situations.

I now believe that authenticity is the gateway to self realization. Authenticity is the true ascension. How can it be any other way? In order to be authentic we have to know and love ourselves totally and completely and this means bringing any hidden parts of ourselves to the surface and making them conscious, breaking down any false programming that  doesn’t align with and represent who we truly are. Ascension is expanding our consciousness and awareness and raising our vibration to it’s highest potential in this physical vessel. We can only do this if we make the unconscious conscious and heal and transform any hidden wounds and break down and dissolve any programming that is not aligned with our highest version of ourselves. So essentially they are the same thing while we are in a human body. You can’t have one without the other.

I also believe that we have to experience what we are not in order to know who we truly are. So in that context I had the most perfect childhood as I was totally shown what I was not. I did not know who I was. So from this perspective it was easier for me, in some ways to become who I am today because I had to start from scratch as an adult and I was already in a place where I felt extremely uncomfortable with the version of myself that I was living with as I knew that it wasn’t really who I was so I had a huge incentive to grow and to change, whereas if I had been brought up in a loving environment I would have found it much harder to question who I was and any programmes that I had obtained in childhood as they would have been much more subtle and so there wouldn’t have been as much incentive. As it stands, I feel that I am very much my own person, I am not afraid to look honestly at myself and my behaviour and I am not afraid of change. This all helps in becoming authentic and living by your own core values and integrity. I have literally had to fight to become who I am now.

It might seem quite obvious and it is in some ways but at the same time, like most spiritual truths there is a subtle paradox which can lead to us being tricked and trapped by the negative ego. You might think that to be authentic is an easy concept but, I have decided, there is confusion. For me, being authentic means not being afraid to be honest about my feelings, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to express those feelings. Especially if it will hurt someone else. I think that if the other person has mistreated me or disrespected me then it is important to express how I feel, but I would try and do this in a respectful manner. But I would never express my anger or irritation to someone just because they were getting on my nerves or because I didn’t like them or something about them. This wouldn’t be fair on the other person because I recognise that this would be my stuff and that I have no right to project my stuff onto other people. Because that it is what it is a projection, which probably bears no resemblance to the truth of the matter. Similarly I am becoming more acutely aware of when other people are projecting their stuff onto me and I am learning to not react to this and so therefore not giving them my energy. Because that is all it is, a play for energy so I just ignore it and it seems to work. At the end of the day it is none of my business what other people think of me, unless they disrespect me and then I would say something but I am trying not to take such things personally and I am starting to get better at that but it’s still a work in progress as it totally depends on the situation and who is involved.

So I guess that a big part of being authentic is allowing other people to be authentic too and recognising that it isn’t all just about us. In the allowing we become, because we are all connected.

Crunch time down the Rabbit Hole

So the last part of my blog took us up until I was around 30 years of age. It’s funny because when I was 20 years old I remember thinking to myself that if I hadn’t had children by the time I was 30, I would start to look at fertility treatment. As if 30 was really old and past it and here I was 30 years old, partnerless, childless and not really any intentions of settling down just yet and definitely not past it!  Part of the reason why I hadn’t settled down with anyone was because I was still quite screwed up emotionally and I didn’t want to pass this onto either my partner or onto my kids. The second reason was because I still had very severe acne so I didn’t feel attractive around men. I remember my mum’s next door neighbour saying when I was about 18 or 19 that I would never marry with skin like that. I’m sure she put a curse on me!! I had been out with men but they hadn’t lasted very long as I didn’t feel the deep connection and love that I was looking for. So instead I had thrown myself into my career, just like I had thrown myself into my education when I was at primary school (not so much when I was at comprehensive school!!). I was good at my job and I new it. I was very respected by the medical team and amongst my peers but the ward sisters and nurse managers didn’t see it. I think probably because of my low self esteem. And I wasn’t very good at interviews as I was so nervous, so I went for a few junior sisters posts and didn’t get them and this knocked my confidence immensely. I did then eventually get a junior sisters post on a new ward that was opening and I worked there for a couple of years. I had only been there about 8 months when the senior sister went on long term sick and I was left to manage the ward on my own. I rose to the occasion but the ward was starting to get busier and busier and then a new senior sister was appointed after 4 or 5 months and things were good but it wasn’t giving me the fulfilment that I was longing for but that at that time I didn’t realise. Until one morning, it was particularly busy, there was no senior sister, no nurse manager and no bed manager and there were  twice as many children needing beds than there were actual beds and we couldn’t cancel any admissions or the hospital would get fined. We had managed to find beds for all of the children we thought until we discovered that there was one that hadn’t and I just flipped and burst into tears (by which time there was management there). I couldn’t stop crying and eventually, after beating myself all morning about it I realised that I didn’t actually want to do it any more and the tears of self pity actually turned into tears of relief when I realised that I didn’t have to do it any more. So I went home and was sick for a couple of months, in which time I got some counselling from the hospital, which she was actually quite good and it did help a bit. I did take prozac as well, which I actually do think helped me. But I know that there is a lot of controversy around these sorts of drugs. Do they make the condition worse, do they dumb people down? I’m not sure but they did help me. I remember that I decorated my kitchen while I was off sick. But I do remember this was very much a dark night of the soul for me and I remember being in total despair and physically getting onto my knees and asking that if there was a God, please would he make himself known to me and please would he help me. Within a couple of weeks I saw a job advertised as a Children’s Community Nurse in my local town and so I went along for the interview and got the job and I told them that I was off sick and why I was off sick but they still wanted me to have the job. Maybe there was a job, I thought to myself. About 6 months later I came across some books called Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsh and this book (or series of books) was a big game changer for me. Up until this point I had been anti God, anti religion, anti the bible and this was because I couldn’t understand how there could be so many religions and they all be correct and that religion was the thing that caused all wars in this world so it seemed hypocritical to me. This book presented God in a different way that totally resonated with me and it was the beginning of a deep journey within. I was now 34 years old………………………..

The beginning of a slow death of Normality

So back to the story……. I was almost 21 when I started my nurse training and this was in Liverpool. In many ways I was still like a child but I had an innate wisdom which was way beyond my years and this was something which I had always had.

My student days were pretty wild and mostly spent drunk but I also realised that I was a pretty damn good nurse. My social skills still remained problematic for me but I transformed from being scared to speak in front of the qualified nurses at the beginning of my training to being a lot more confident in this sort of thing by the end of my training 4 years later. I was dual qualified, which means that I can look after children and adults but my heart lay with children’s nursing and I enjoyed the challenge.

It was at around this time that I decided that I wanted to heal these problems that I had with communication, especially with people in authority but I wasn’t very assertive with my peer group either and this sort of led me to just falling into friendships, rather than seeking out like minded people, instead I would latch on to people who showed an interest in me, which in those days wasn’t many because of my low self esteem. So this was a vey mixed time of my life. There were highs and there were lows but there was still this feeling of numbness and disconnection but with an underlying knowing that there was so much more to me. I also had an encounter with someone who I believe was a satanist (I won’t actually call him satan as I don’t know if that would be true but maybe he embodied that energy, I’m not sure) . Myself and my flat mate met him while we were on a night out and invited him back to our flat. He seemed really nice and chatty, but I do remember him saying how open we both were. When another friend came round another day that he was there, she said for us not to give him specific things if he asked for them because she thought he was a devil worshiper  and I laughed at her because it sounded too far fetched to me. Anyway after a while we got a bit fed up of him and stopped letting him as he would just turn up unannounced. Shortly after that my flat mate had an experience where she was stood at a train station and she felt as if she was being throttled. She felt a constriction around her throat and she couldn’t breathe and she felt that for some reason that it was him that was doing it to her. I didn’t experience anything like that but I do remember standing at the bus stop near our flat and I heard this snorting sound and when I looked it was him walking down the street but he looked a bit taller than he normally looked and he was breathing like a bull would snort but looked as if he was a bit spaced out. I hid in the bus shelter as I didn’t want him to recognise me. I hadn’t seen him like this before and he scared me and after that I was convinced he was a satanist.

So my student days were filled with many laughs but there was also quite a bit of darkness still as I carried with me the experiences of my childhood. My acne was also really bad at time, and I had huge cysts that were painful, unsightly and caused me a great amount of psychological distress. None of the treatments that I had tried ever worked for very long and it destroyed my self esteem in many ways. I found it difficult to look in the mirror when I was with others and to go to the hairdressers would have been torture so I cut my own hair, which was a mess but at least I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to heal though, and would buy every self help book I could afford. But I found it difficult to sustain any advice that they gave. The best way for me to heal and integrate has always been through experience and reflection. And that is where wisdom then comes from.

When I finished my training I got a job straight away at a hospital in Leeds on a children’s ward. And even though I had asked for a surgical ward, they put me on medical ward, so I hated it. One day I was having a particularly bad day and I just handed my notice in and left. I then thought, oh shit, what am I going to live on now. How am I going to survive.  I had an idea in my mind that I fancied working in Portugal. I started frantically looking for nannying jobs but there were never any nanny jobs in Portugal. Then one day (about a week after I handed my notice in) I was looking through the adverts and there it was. Nanny job in Portugal. I applied, got an interview and was working out there a month later, after selling my car etc. I worked out there for 6 months and had a ball. I would have stayed out there but there were no other job opportunities and I was bored as a nanny. But I met some great people from Canada and Australia who were passing through on their travels around the world and stayed for a few months. In a lot of ways it was like a long holiday and it was right on the Algarve so being near the beach and the sea all the time was really beneficial health wise, physically and mentally.

After 6 months of working out there I decided that it was time to come back home, which in hindsight was probably not the best idea but it has led me to where I am now. Initially I registered with an agency and did a few shifts on a children’s surgical ward in Leeds and within a couple of months I had a job on there and I absolutely loved it. But it was extremely busy, with lots of very sick children and we were alway short staffed. Because I was young I could handle it and I actually thrived on the challenge but I think I was running on my adrenalin a lot of the time. I worked there for a number of years and in that time I bought my own house and this was the thing, more than anything else that has clipped my wings because it meant that I couldn’t suddenly decide to leave a job and not have another one to go to as I had a mortgage to pay. At the time I thought that this was a good thing but now I realise that it wasn’t really as it was stifling me.

Also in that time I was having a more coincidences and psychic experiences. I seemed to attract what most people would call ghosts. So if there was a spirit somewhere in a building it would normally let me know in some way such as a breeze wafting past my cheek, or objects having moved places. Hospitals are a hotspot for spirits that haven’t passed over, for obvious reasons and the ward that I worked on had a particularly active spirit which seemed to get it’s kicks out of inducing fear in me. Some night shifts I would be shaking because I was afraid of what might happen as it used to tamper with equipment etc (and no it wasn’t a member of staff, it was definitely a ghost/spirit as things happened that a physical human wouldn’t have been able to do). One of the things that happened to me was that while I was in the toilet, a baby’s dummy that we had been looking for all night, just fell out of mid air into my hand. But it also used to change the rate on iv infusions, turn saturation monitors off, all sorts of things. It turned out that this spirit was  a nurse who had committed suicide because she had accidentally overdosed a child on insulin some years previously and the child had died and so she had hanged herself in the toilet, which is why things used to happen in the toilet! Other things that happened to me was that a colleague recommended an amazing book to me, out of the blue, called The Celestine Prophecy and this was the first step onto my spiritual path. I found the book intriguing but there were parts of it that I didn’t grasp at the time but later I did. I was also having experiences such as smelling strange aromas and knowing that my next door neighbour was pregnant and then being freaked out when I found out that she was pregnant so I didn’t have an experience like that again for a long time as i was frightened of it because I didn’t understand where it came from because it wasn’t a physical smell. As a child I used to have precognitive dreams all of the time but then when I dreamt of a face and woke up and saw that same face on the front of a newspaper (Princess Grace of Monaco when she died) it really scared me so that stopped happening then. I have also, always been telepathic but lost this to some extent for a while in my young alcohol laden adult days. Being telepathic and empathic used to cause me extreme distress as a child as I thought that everyone was like me and so I couldn’t understand why people would be horrible to me because I thought that they could see my true essence, as I could see their true essence. And because of this and the way that I was treated by my parents, I thought that there was something really wrong with me. I also didn’t think that I needed to speak that much because I assumed that others would just know what I was thinking or how I was feeling. It took me until I was in my mid teens to realise that others couldn’t perceive what I could, on the whole.

I was also still battling severe acne and had 3 treatments of roaccutane and you weren’t meant to have more than  two because of how it can affect your health and it had to be monitored by a dermatologist and each time it would work initially and then it would come back after a year or two. This was quite demoralising. And I was also trying to heal myself emotionally and psychologically, with self help books but they still weren’t doing anything for me and it was still my daily life experiences and how I reflected upon them which were helping me to heal. When I first started on the ward I don’t think that I was particularly liked by some staff members but as staff left and new staff came there was a really nice team of staff and I got on well with the majority of them both professionally and personally but I still had a long way to go as there was still something missing…………